Aaaaarr matey! It’s time to for you land lubbers to walk the plank, drink some grog and ahh, blimey, pirate talk is so freaking annoying. Forget it. But Disney didn’t get the memo so Captain Jack Sparrow is back with another summer blockbuster in the making.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let’s take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
*The following analogy works with the sexes reversedYou head out on a Friday night looking for a good time, make eyes at an attractive girl across the bar and strike up some small talk. This lady is hot, quirky, smart and your conversation has a natural ebb and flow over shots of Patron and a jukebox playing Elvis Costello. You take her home, have a great night, and naturally wonder where she’s been all of your life. Saturday morning, the booze has worn off, her quirkiness is now replaced with an oddball sensibility that’s mildly off-putting and she slurps a little too much over her bowl of Special K. On Sunday she still hasn’t left your apartment, talks incessantly about animals and is now just acting plain old weird, wearing too much makeup and telling jokes that make no sense. The things that attracted you to her on Friday are now just annoying, and you’re worried because the spare key for the front door and deadbolt have gone missing. On Monday, after dropping a litany of hints about work, and obligations and just generally ignoring her for long stretches of time it’s pretty clear she’s never leaving and you're stuck with her forever (the only upside being she seems to be from a family of great wealth, so you’ve got that going for you). And that pretty much sums up the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
All the things that made The Curse of the Black Pearl (78%) eminently creative and entertaining began to wear a little thin as Dead Man’s Chest (54%) and At the Worlds End (45%) churned out more stories of Captain Jack Sparrow prancing around in flowing garb and braids, spitting out one-liners, sailing to and fro while telling a convoluted story with no discernible end game.
On Stranger Tides, directed by Rob Marshall (Chicago - 88%, Nine - 37%), could mark the Monday morning in the franchise though it’ll surely keep the billions flowing despite its flaws. Reviews are generally split down the middle waffling between praise for the film’s quirkiness and complaints over what could just be a money grab.
I think the critical decline continues with this latest installment as the masses begin to suffer from pirate fatigue. The Rotten Watch for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is 44%.
Recapping last week...
Bridesmaids (Predicted: 80%, Actual: 90%) was even better than expected, keeping its high perch on the critical ladder as the week pressed on. This is an astounding score for a comedy and bodes well for a new brand of female ensembles. I was happy to be off a bit with this score.
Priest (Predicted: 11%, Actual: 20%) sucked, but not as bad as I expected. Although its worth it to mention that the critics with fresh ratings for the flick seemed to almost do so apologetically. Like they felt bad for liking it.
Next week we get a couple of sequels as Phil, Alan, Stu and Doug get loaded again and Po returns to his Kung Fu ways. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!