Every week I've written this critically acclaimed column there's been at least one movie to praise and one movie to pound into oblivion. Not this week my friends. We're headed into the dregs of the big screen and for the first time I'm setting the Rotten Watch at the exact same number for both movies. That's what happens when you get a J-Lo vehicle and a Sylvain White movie popping into theaters at the same time.
It's a perfect storm of suck in this Rotten Week:
The Losers are part A-Team, part Charlie's Angels. They're the kind of guys and gals that like blow something up first and make a hilariously witty joke about it second.
I want to be into this movie (I'm a sucker for comic book adaptations), but I just can't be for a number of different reasons (two to be exact).
One, it looks stupid. Don't confuse, I'm not saying the action scenes don't appear “realistic” or that the concept (rogue government ops need to clear their name) isn't on point. No, what I'm saying is that everything put together just looks like a massive waste of time that critics will pound into the ground. The Losers shoot people and give their partners a wink and a nod. They blow something up and high five each other. I had trouble getting through the trailer because I felt like I'd been there, done that. It pains me to say that to some degree because, again, I want to like this movie.
The second, director Sylvain White isn't doing The Losers any favors. His two previous forays into the directing game have, well to put it nicely, been massively epic failures. Those previous works are Stomp the Yard and wait, for it, I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. Rather than try and sum up the critics' views on his work, I thought I'd just throw out some quotes from reviews of his flicks. Enjoy:
“Aggressively dull and downright unwatchable.”
“Sylvain White should be chained to a chair...for the migraine-inducing crimes he commits...”
“The film introduces too many elements, doubles back on itself, repeats and repeats the same information, starts and stops...and is in every way a flabby mess.”
And finally this one gets to the heart of why I worry for The Losers: “There is so much yet so little on the screen: so much movement and action, but so little to cling on to.”
Does that last review sound like it could be about a little action movie coming out in theaters this week with a group of ex-soldiers running around blowing things up? Yup, I thought so. The Rotten Watch for The Losers is 29%.
The Back-up Plan
Well here's a realistic scenario: a woman that looks like Jennifer Lopez is so undesirable and unlucky when finding Mr. Right, she finally needs to head to her family-Plan B. She heads down to the fertility clinic to get turkey basted with a few magic mystery seeds so she can start having kids. But what do you know, no sooner is she impregnated than the love of her life shows up in a taxi cab. Perceived hilarity ensues.
I love making fun of movies like this because, well, they deserve it. The Back Up Plan is sure to be so predictable that I'll spill the ending right now because I know exactly what's going to happen. J-Lo gets preggo, meets Mr. Right, can't tell him right away about her bun in the sexy oven, dates him, finally tells the poor sap about the kid, he accepts it even though he's confused, they prepare to be parents, something causes them to question their relationship, they work through it, fall in love and raise a family, roll credits.
Plot predictability aside, J-Lo has a track record of stinking up on the big screen in awesome fashion. Not only did she aid and abet Ben Affleck by taking part in one the worst movie crimes of all time, Gigli, but she's a certified rotten recipient of critical analysis. Throughout her career she's struggled to do anything of substance in the film world, but hey, she looks good right? Rotten Watch for The Back-Up Plan is also 29%.
Which Rotten movie do you think will have the highest final Tomatometer rating?
Recapping last week: Sometimes you just don't want to be right. Last week I predicted Death at a Funeral at 33% because my ultra-secret Tomatometer formula spit out that number. If left to my own devices I would have gone somewhere around 1% with that prediction. The formula was right though as Death now hangs at 40% (even CB's own Mack Rawden says it pretty much sucked). And as evidenced by Josh's superb breakdown of remake scenes compared to the original, this thing should have been dead in the water. You win some, and you don't want to win some.
Next week we'll look at Furry Vengeance (sounds like a porn movie, but is actually a family comedy with Brendan Fraser) and Nightmare on Elm Street. It's going to be a Rotten Week!