Before I get to this week's predictions I want to take a second to crack open a bottle of Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet, light up a Cohiba, ad bask in the glow of victory. Last week
, I gave these numbers:
Hot Tub Time Machine: 61% (Actual: 63%)
Chloe: 49% (Actual: 51%)
How to Train Your Dragon: 84% (Actual: 97%)
Folks, there's no other way to put it: that was a grand slam. I needed a week like that to lift my spirits and boost the old self confidence (this is the same guy who is still only a few weeks removed from getting pelted with tomatoes). I want to keep the good times rolling. Let's take a look at this week's flicks.
Clash of the Titans
It's not often we get the Greek gods covered for all ages in one year. If anything, parents now can head to the theaters with their kids, buy four tickets, drop the little ones off at Percy Jackson, head into Clash of the Titans, and meet up two and a half hours later for a little discussion on mythology. I like when my movies are quasi-educational.
Clash of the Titans is one of those, “I should probably see it on the big screen” movies. And you know what good readers; I'm going to do just that as soon as Josh T sends me my monthly movie-watching stipend. When it comes I'll head right out to the theaters. At the risk of sounding blasphemous, I never saw the original so I'll be going in relatively fresh. Although after seeing this picture of the original kraken I don't know how much I'm missing.
This movie has a lot going for it critically. The director Louis Leterrier has a resume of not totally mangling big budget action movies (The Incredible Hulk, Transporter) and the cast is something to actually write home about. Huge money remake projects like this are relatively hit (King Kong) or miss (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Poseidon). I think Clash of the Titans ends up more Ocean's Eleven than Planet of the Apes. The Rotten watch is 68%
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too
To be honest, I have never seen anything Tyler Perry related. I've never watched his television show (but am always mad when TBS does a marathon of it) and have never sat down for one of his movies. Before I started looking up things about Why Did I Get Married Too?, I don't think I could have even picked him out of a lineup. But one thing I did know about him is that dude is crazy rich. Like f-you, swimming through gold bullion rich. That doesn't really count for anything when making a movie, but I just thought it worth mentioning.
Now that I've admitted my Tyler Perry ignorance, you'll know that I never saw this movie's predecessor. The critics were generally on the fence over its merits. After watching the trailer for the sequel I was legitimately confused. It appeared more a thriller than some sort of coming of age, let's explore our relationship, love story. Honestly, I thought everyone was just going to kill each other. Even the tag line, “One of these couples won't make it,” seemed like they were all going to get butchered at some island resort. So label me perplexed.
I can't in good conscience go higher than the original with my score because rarely does a sequel outperform the first installment. Then again, movies about couples just exploring their relationships don't usually think to put out sequels or follow-ups (believe me, I looked) so what do I know? The Rotten Watch for Why Did I Get Married Too is 37%.
The Last Song
I learned something this week while watching American Idol: Miley Cyrus can't sing, like at all. When she hit the stage singing (off-key) and playing the piano (poorly), it took me exactly thirteen notes to reach for the mute button. It was embarrassing. But she, kind of like Tyler Perry, is a modern day King Midas. Just touch it and it turns to gold. Combining Miley with a Nicholas Sparks novel will have the teeny-bopper crowd swarming the box office.
Normally, I would never even stop to mention or think about a movie like The Last Song. But after watching the trailer I kind of feel like becoming a pitcher and making the movie step up to the plate. Let's see how The Last Song does in its at-bat. Strike one: Nicholas Sparks novel. No other way to put it: if Nicholas Sparks wrote the book, the movie sucks. Dear John, Nights in Rodanthe, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember all came up well short in the eyes of critics and me. It's probably because they're predictable, cheesy, obvious, cheesy, stupid, cheesy and unrealistic. Strike two: Miley Cyrus's character is completely unbelievable. She's a confrontational and emotional teen turning down an acceptance from Julliard. Please see paragraph one for more explanation on her musical talent, but also this is just reeks of Miley's handlers saying, “Look we need to upgrade your image a bit here. You're getting a little older and so are your fans. They want to see you get a little edgier, but let's not have them forget you still are a cleancut musician. So take this movie, frown a lot, play a little piano, maybe kiss a boy, argue with your parents a tad but in the end you'll still do the right thing.” Uggghh. Strike three: Kids and family struggling when it's obvious the parents are just crazy ass rich. Who can possibly identify with this problem? Hey look how tough our childhood is, except the part about our extra-loving dad owning this sick beach house where we get to spend the whole summer.
The Last Song strikes out on three pitches and heads back to the dugout. It never even had a chance. The Rotten Watch for Miley Cyrus and company is 31%.
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?