I’m still not allowed to talk about Observe and Report, so I really wish someone else was writing this. But I’m the only one here, so you’re stuck with me writing nothing in the face of an embargoed movie. All I can really confirm is that I’ve seen it, and I have an opinion on it. No, you can’t know what that opinion is, at least not unless I get a job with Variety. So here’s the studio’s stock plot synopsis followed by two new clips from Seth Rogen’s latest flick:

“At the Forest Ridge Mall, head of security Ronnie Barnhardt patrols his jurisdiction with an iron fist, combating skateboarders, shoplifters and the occasional unruly customer while dreaming of the day when he can swap his flashlight for a badge and a gun. His delusions of grandeur are put to the test when the mall is struck by a flasher. Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won’t give him the time of day. But his single-minded pursuit of glory launches a turf war with the equally competitive Detective Harrison of the Conway Police, and Ronnie is confronted with the challenge of not only catching the flasher, but getting him before the real cops do.”