I’ll be honest—I look down on people who watch wrestling. The conundrum there is that some people I like and respect watch it… so usually I just try to block that part of their personality out. Ok, sure, I may have played a wrestling video game or two with some friends back in the late 80’s era of Nintendo dominance, but that’s as far as that sickness ever went. Those of you reveling in the redneck heaven that is the WWE… just remember you’re not watching a sport, you’re watching a soap opera. Far too many of you have rebel flag stickers on your truck

Well, WWE honcho Vince McMahon is as usual, poised to take full advantage of your strangely homo-erotic, sweaty man-grappling obsession by putting wrestling in theaters. He’s planning a slew of self-funded genre films, all with small $20 million dollar budgets and probably plenty of bad acting. WWE fans will eat it up like NASCAR fans throwing themselves at a Dale Earnhart movie.

The first film flung out to clog theaters (reported on by us late last year here) will star John Cena as a marine who returns home to find his girlfriend has gone and gotten herself kidnapped. Some sort of turnbuckle justice ensues. Maybe he’ll even turn around a small town with a two-by-four.

Cena’s movie will be followed by films featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, The Game, and the Big Red Machine (whose machine I hear is not big, but very red). Not getting a movie will be Chyna Doll, who shot herself in the foot by abandoning Vince before the really big movie money got flowing. Instead, you can find her on TV stealing closet space from Mini-Me.