To make up for the fact that they aren’t the Oscars, the Golden Globes are overcompensating for their second-rate status by pushing themselves as the big party of awards shows. They aren’t, but the winners are worth paying attention to anyway.

The 63rd Annual Golden Globes were presented tonight, and we’ve got the winners. I’ll try to update them as they happen for you, but if you don’t want to keep refreshing, just check back in the morning for the full list of winners. For a full list of who was nominated, click here.

Well, with the worst intro song in the history of awards shows out of the way, let’s get to the winners with traditional CB commentary:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE
George Clooney - Syriana
Bad movie, good Clooney.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE
Rachel Weisz - The Constant Gardener

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES OR MINISERIES
Paul Newman – Empire Falls

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES OR MINISERIES
Sandra Oh – Grey’s Anatomy
Superman came out with the old Lois to present a TV award! Kind of creepy. Do you think Dean Caine is jealous? Of Brandon Routh’s career, not Teri Hatcher.

And now a break as Drew Barrymore chooses not to wear a bra while showing a clip from Good Night, and Good Luck.

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES – DRAMA
Gina Davis – Commander in Chief
Three winners from nominees in the political genre. Syriana, The Constant Gardener, and now Commander in Chief. The beginning of a trend?

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES – DRAMA
Hugh Laurie – House
After randomly drawing names to thank out of his pocket, Hugh thanks his writer for writing the best lines he’s ever saved.

BEST TV MOVIE OR MINISERIES
Empire Falls
I haven’t watched a mini-series since that terrible version of Dune on the Sci-Fi channel. I think I’m better for avoiding them… but that’s probably just because I don’t have HBO.

BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Steve Carell – The Office
Remember when critics were desperate to hate this show for ripping of the BBC version? Sorry, this version is better. Ha. I win. Steve thanked his wife, sort of.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line
Not exactly stiff competition, but she deserves it. Reese really loves Ryan Phillipe.

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV COMEDY
Mary Louise Parker – Weeds

BEST ACTOR IN A TV MOVIE OR MINISERIES
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers – Elvis

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MOVIE OR MINISERIES
S. Epatha Merkerson – Lackawanna Blues
I was dreading this one… just for the spelling hazards. Worst speech of the night so far, and of course she won’t get off the stage.

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana - Brokeback Mountain
Larry thanks his typewriter for keeping him out of the dry embrace of a computer. It’s a Hermes 3000.

BEST TV MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Desperate Housewives

BEST FOREIGN LANUAGE FILM
Paradise Now – Palestine
Did it win because it’s really the best foreign language film, or because it’s politically relevant?

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
John Williams – Memoirs of a Geisha

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
A Love That Will Never Grow Old – Brokeback Mountain

Gwyneth Paltrow honors Sir Anthony Hopkins by showing clips from his films and then presents him with the Cecile B. Demille. - It’s amazing how Sir Anthony has changed. That young actor in his early films doesn’t even look like the same person. Every new wrinkle improves his acting, and his voice. Donald Sutherland is on the verge of tears when Anthony takes the stage.

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain
Ang Lee gives a gracious speech about the power of movies, and calls Clint Eastwood “The Man”.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Joaquin Phoenix - Walk the Line
John Travolta acts weird and struggles to get applause. Then gives the award to “his friend” Joaquin Phoenix. Hopefully this doesn’t mean he’s on the verge of converting Joaquin. Joaquin is as confused by the category he’s in as we are, and he owes Ryan Phillipe money since he won. He bet against himself!

BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Walk the Line
Nice win. Not sure it means much since it’s the weird musical or comedy category. It’s kind of like the category for movies that the GG’s don’t think are good enough to win in Drama.

BEST TV SERIES – DRAMA
Lost
The entire cast crowds up on stage… at least the ones that aren’t in jail. Steve Carell’s wife is thanked again.

Dennis Quaid strides on stage to show a clip from Brokeback Mountain… and looks much like a penis wearing a bad toupee.

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Felecity Huffman - Transamerica


BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Capote


BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Brokeback Mountain
On to an almost certain win at the Oscars.