As far as I can tell, most aliens are a lot like Vikings. They're mainly interested in resources and occasionally, women. They don't operate with any sort of value system, and they're more than willing to sneak up on you. They're the type of assholes who will kill you while you're taking a shit or during the last five minutes of the X Factor
results show. There's no moral compass in play, and if they can smite you while your back is turned, all the better. That's why you need to be willing to utilize anything around you as a weapon.
Think of an extraterrestrial brawl like an episode of Project Runway
. Sometimes you'll be given a half hour to shop at Mood, but more often than not, you'll be dropped off at a pet store with a hundred bucks in your pocket and told to make it work. It takes craftiness to wow Michael Kors, and it takes that same outside the box ingenuity to slay Martians. You're not going to have mad scientists engineering absurd and deadly doodads for you like Tommy Lee Jones, and Big Willy one-liners will only amuse the creatures for so long. You need to exploit the terrain around you, and the best place for inspiration is movies.
Later this week, Attack The Block
will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray. In its honor, Cinema Blend is proud to bring to you 7 crazy examples of movie characters killing aliens in utterly bizarre ways. In the event you do find yourself endangered by hideous creatures, think of the following weapons and act just as creatively. Nothing is ever off limits.
Drugs in The Faculty
Just as with humans, you never know how an alien may react to illegal substances. The invader might be particularly susceptible like Len Bias or it might have an incredibly high tolerance like Charlie Sheen. I suspect it likely has something to do with the atmospheric conditions on various planets, but since it's unlikely you'll have access to samples, it's probably worth taking a gamble. If you don't have a pen handy like Josh Hartnett, consider rubbing a bullet in whatever drugs you have available and firing. Even if it doesn't kill the marauder, it may stun him long enough to implement a plan B.
Music In Mars Attacks
Slim Whitman was beloved in the early 1950s for his voice and impressive yodeling skills, but the aliens in what might be Tim Burton's strangest movie are not fans. In fact, their brains explode following prolonged exposure. This might seem absurd, but rock music was used to coax General Noriega out of hiding and Alex freaks out in A Clockwork Orange
every time he hears Beethoven's Ninth. I wouldn't count on your favorite tracks stopping Martians in their tracks, but keep this in mind after you've exhausted every other possibility.
A Glass Of Water In Signs
Leaving half-filled water glasses around the house is considered a messy habit, but that clutter could actually save your life. An alien in Signs
is done in by the liquid from one of Bo's discarded receptacles, and it's certainly possible your extraterrestrial's skin might have the same aversion. Even if it's totally fine with water though, no diversion, apart from cleavage, is as time-tested and consistently successful as a glass of water to the face. It disorients just long enough for a quick-footed escape.
A Flamethrower In The Thing
Apart from those dudes in the circus that breath fire, I'm pretty sure everyone is terrified of being burned to death. It seems like the most awful way possible to go out; so, it should come as no surprise that most movie aliens hate fire as much as us. The dudes in The Thing
pick up on this fact pretty quickly and burn a dog alien to death in a scene that gave my twelve year old self nightmares. It's probably worth mentioning that the fire doesn't destroy that particular alien entirely, but since it does away with part and kills others later, we'll roll with it. Important side note: flamethrowers should not be used on any aliens you suspect may have come from the sun. Elevated temperatures will make them more comfortable, and there's no point in showing hospitality to something trying to murder you.
Dandruff Shampoo In Evolution
You can chalk this one up to a win for the periodic table. Science always comes through in the clutch. It's just a matter of having someone who knows what the hell they're doing. Curiously, in Evolution
, it turns out to be Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and William from Mallrats
that realize Head & Shoulders has selenium sulfide. Seeing as how the aliens are a nitrogen-based life form, the dandruff shampoo eviscerates their ranks. You might not have the scientific wherewithal to know what chemicals might prove poisonous to the hideous organism you're battling, which is why I recommend you just throw weird shit at it. Empty the medicine cabinet. If you've got Proactive sitting around, chuck the bottle. We put some weird shit into products, and some of it is bound to screw with alien blood.
Gold In Cowboys & Aliens
We often think of aliens as oddly-colored higher life forms, but the truth is sometimes they want exactly the same thing we do. In Cowboys & Aliens
, they're after gold, but one wannabe Hernan Cortes is given the ultimate King Midas insult after he dies by the very treasure he sought. Doused in gold, he perishes through boiling or burning or maybe steam inhalation. I'm no coroner; so, let's just say he was hoisted by his own petard. It's unlikely you'll have a vat of anything to work with, but the same principal can still be applied. If you know what it wants, dangle it in front of him. Use his resource lust to lower his guard and then strike. You might not win, but at least you'll land a sucker punch.
Fake Surrender In Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
Listen: let's just be honest about the odds here for a second. I know I've spent this whole article mentally pumping you up for a hypothetical altercation, but aliens are mostly bigger, tougher and smarter than us. They have higher pain thresholds, and they're not worried about how massacres might play with the media. They have a lot of built-in advantages, which is why playing as dirty as possible is a necessity. Chivalry should be checked at the door. Go for the groin, go for the throat and go for the fake peace offering. That's how Captain Kirk does it in Star Trek III
. He waves the white flag, invites the enemy over to his vessel for a formal surrender and then blows the ship up with them on it. It might not be a story to tell the grandkids, but at least you'll be alive to keep that secret.
What do you think? What's your favorite way an alien has been killed? Sound off by voting in the poll below, or let us know if we missed another bizarre and brilliant murder by leaving a comment.
Which weapon do you prefer?