As an anxious world chews its fingernails down to the nub, Gwen Stefani prepares to expel the contents of her womb. Among the many mysteries surrounding the sacred spawn of two rich and famous people, the biggest one is the gender of the unborn Super Fetus. In accordance with the injunctions in Section 6, Paragraph 28 of The Female Celeb Ordinance, Stefani will not poop the Super Fetus out of her celeb vagina but will rather cut open her uterus open and pull it out. Yay!
'Us Weekly' has some further particulars:
"A very pregnant Gwen Stefani and rocker husband Gavin Rossdale arrived at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles this morning where doctors plan to induce labor and deliver the couple’s child via C-section at noon PST. Rossdale dropped his wife off at the maternity ward, parked Stefani’s silver Range Rover and “seemed a little nervous and he checked the baby car seat before he got out,” according to a witness."
E!’s Answer Bitch reveals the latest in celebrity uterus-ripping: "The procedure has also saved Elizabeth Hurley, Claudia Schiffer, Madonna, Victoria Beckham and singer Toni Braxton from the rigors of natural birthing. And Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton? She's had four."
UPDATE: Behold! That most scared of events: The Birthing of Celebrity Spawn has occurred as Jesus enviously frowns from the heaven’s at the progeny of Gwen Stefani’s waxed loins. The Sacred Spawn bears male genitalia and has been anointed Kingston James McGregor Rossdale.
As tabloid editors rejoice and rabid fans binge and purge in ecstasy, Mother Stefani readies herself to take a backseat to a uterus far more important than hers: the uterus of Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, the world is delighted to find that Mother and Spawn Stefani are doing well. As Us Weekly dutifully informs us:
"Kingston James McGregor Rossdale was born by Caesarean section at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, according to Stefani spokesman Dave Tomberlin. The baby weighed 7 1/2 pounds and was born with a thick thatch of hair.
"Both mother and child are doing well," Tomberlin said in a statement.
Sources tell Us that after the delivery, Stefani’s husband, Gavin Rossdale, and Stefani’s father walked out of the operating room and greeted family waiting in a private room. Rossdale announced the baby’s arrival and the entire room started screaming and clapping...
Rossdale, 38, has a 16-year old daughter, Daisy Lowe, from a previous relationship. Sounds like a built-in babysitter to us. Congratulations!"
Contributions to Daisy Lowe’s therapy fund are welcome.