If you’re looking for a safe, quiet place to have sex, don’t sneak into Howie Mandel’s bathroom. The situation will be misinterpreted, authorities will descend on the scene and you’ll be forced to explain that what happened was not rape but consensual, booze-induced sex.

Last night, the America’s Got Talent judge decided to throw a little Fourth of July shindig at his Calabasas home. During the event, two twenty-one-year-old guests hit it off and headed for Howie’s bathroom. Of course, an unaware Mandel headed into his bedroom not long after, overheard what was happening and reportedly mis-concluded that someone was being sexually assaulted in his home. Rather than deal with the attacker himself, he phoned the police, who descended on the scene and interviewed all involved.

According to TMZ, both the guy and girl offered authorities the same story. No charges are being pressed for the misunderstanding, though it’s hard to know who actually wound up getting the short end of the stick here. Having sex in someone else’s house is obviously poor form. Getting busted by the police is a nice measure of revenge for the owner. Ordinarily, these two things would probably balance each other out, but since Mandel has a well-documented obsession with germs, he’s probably the ultimate loser as he’ll be spending the next week or so obsessively cleaning.

Long story short: if you’re in someone else’s house and you feel like fornicating in their bathroom, at least turn the fan on and try to be quiet about it.

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