Part alcoholic beverage/ part energy drink/ part trip to the doctor, Dallas Stampede Light Plus is the new beer with vitamin additives that’s sure to help you fuck that fat girl and get your complex glucose fix. And if that’s not enough, it’s being peddled by Tony Romo girlfriend and big-boobed beauty Jessica Simpson. Isn’t that just confusing?

According to The L.A. Times, Simpson’s endorsement has netted her a fifteen percent stake in the Texas-based brewery, as well as some further diversification of her monetary portfolio. One semester of college-level business taught me that. Speaking about the disgusting-sounding beverage, Simpson said, "Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while."

This is a terrible idea, but if there’s one thing Idiocracy taught me, it’s people can’t say no to electrolytes.