In arguably the most absurd Hail Mary pass attempt since Doug Flutie’s in 1984, the producers of Maury have invited Justin Bieber to have his paternity DNA test done on the show. The daytime talker, once known for its troubled teen boot camps and fat babies, has carved out a niche covering lowlifes trying to figure out who their babies’ fathers are. Depending on your perspective, twenty year old Mariah Yeater, the Biebs’ supposed baby mama, may qualify as one of those lowlifes, but the pop star himself is about as far away from the normal Maury guest as you can get.

Still, that hasn’t stopped the show from dreaming, and it hasn’t stopped me from hoping. Amy Rosenblum, a former executive producer who conceived the first you-are-the-father episode of the daytime talk show, told The Huffington Post, Justin’s potential appearance would be “a huge TV event”. That’s probably a wild understatement. I’m not sure I know anyone who wouldn’t DVR that episode. What would Justin and Mariah’s faces look like as Maury prepared to open the results envelope? Would the Biebs jump around screaming, “What?” and “I told you!” like every other asshole that’s ever been on? These are questions I need to know.

Sadly, I don’t expect this to ever happen. Bieber will likely take the paternity test quietly, then reveal the results through his publicist before filing the lawsuit he’s already said was coming. Intentionally generating publicity out of the allegations through an appearance on Maury would hardly let him argue her allegations had a negative effect. Plus, it’s not exactly like the show is 60 Minutes. Maybe if he was a little less popular or the show was a little less trashy.

Until I hear a definitive no, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

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