I grew up in a time where it was in appropriate for a dude to comment on another dude’s outfit. But as Sean Penn so excitedly put it in his acceptance speech, we’re all a bunch of homo-loving, Communist sons of nuns. A black guy is president and a biopic about an openly gay politician was nominated at The Oscars. I can gossip cattily about some dude’s tux if I want to without fear of insult or loss of street cred.

First off, Mickey Rourke is a buffoon. I stand whole-heartedly behind his life of eccentricity and inappropriate racial comments, but wearing gaudy, punk twelve year old chains to a classy, sophisticated award ceremony is just plain inappropriate. Grow your blonde hair down to your ass and your beard out to the sky, if you so please, but make sure you look presentable for the Oscars. Kanye might look like an asshole twenty percent of the time, but at least he tries.

Huge marks for Frank Langella. He might not have made the riskiest outfit choice of the night, but he certainly looked the most classy and debonair. If producers ever let James Bond grow up, he’ll look something like that. I’m also liking Brad Pitt with the facial hair. It makes him look like a man of contentment, the type of guy who drinks scotch on the rocks in Southern France. It probably helps that he is that guy now. Facial hair is rising like a Phoenix from the gel.

Here’s a look at the leading men mentioned, a guy with the cake, and dozens more of Hollywood testosterone…