More often than not, a woman’s goal on the Oscar Red Carpet is to look elegant, sophisticated, and sexy--usually, in that order. They go hog wild at the other award shows with skimpy little numbers and see-throughs, but slutting it out for the Oscars is like slutting it out for your Grandpa Ned’s funeral. Discreet seduction is the name of the game, and most of Hollywood’s most glamorous women looked more like wives than mistresses. That’s a good thing, at least for tonight.

The big winner among the women for me this evening was Marisa Tomei, who looked absolutely gorgeous in her multi-tiered lavender dress. Phoebe Cates of Fast Times At Ridgemont High fame also looked pulled off just the right balance of classiness and sin with her red-on-red dress.

Among the losers were Amy Adams of Doubt who somehow attempted to meld a Roaring 20s updo with a stoner chick necklace and heroin chic eyeliner. Not for me. Sophia Loren was also an epic failure with a make-up job possibly done out of Divine’s trailer and a puzzling gold dress which mixed in random asymmetrical shades of tan. Also, not for me.

Enough with my yammering though, thumb through these keepsakes and make your own slanderous indictments…