I think I speak for every forward-minded, sexually grownup American when I say get that giant stick out of your ass, America. This whole fiasco started a few months back when Howard Stern announced an “Ugliest Dude, Hottest Wife” contest. Just good clean fun, right? Not so much. A second grade teacher took a paid sick day and won the five thousand dollar prize, only to return to work and find herself jobless.

Here’s the problem with closeted, hypocritical Middle America. We want our daughters (or at least other people’s daughters) to be sexually-tempting hotties, but as soon as the aforementioned women have children or are put in a position of responsibility, the same behaviors are suddenly considered icky. Well, I call bullshit. I want my wife to strut around in a bikini and be sexually adventurous for years after we tie the knot.

I know what you’re thinking: but she took a paid sick day, Mack. That’s poor form and causation for being fired. Bollocks! Anyone who’s never taken a paid sick day on the company dollar is a douche bag who I wouldn’t want to hang out with. Blowing off the occasional Tuesday to hit up a baseball game or find some afternoon delight is as American as apple pie and Planned Parenthood. You shouldn’t actually be fired for that.