The 100 Most Likely People To Die In 2009

By Mack Rawden 2009-01-05 11:38:34
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I feel like a meteorologist right before Hurricane Katrina, feigning some sort of professional objectivity when only unmitigated bluntness and candor can truly describe the impending atrocity. This shit is fucked up. That’s probably what Al Roker wanted to say before hell, fire and saxophones reigned down upon New Orleans but instead mumbled out terms like upgraded tropical storm and gale force winds. Well, this shit is fucked up. Hollywood and premature death mix together like SoCo and Mountain Dew in my glass, white people and Negros on the Corny Collins Show. 2009, like 2008, will contain its share of funerals. The only question is who‘s? Which actors, musicians, politicians, movers, shakers and poor sons of bitches will be swallowed by the seedy underbelly, engulfed by Jonah’s whale?

The truth is I don’t know. Miss Cleo is in jail, and Hitler killed off the gypsies. Death and taxes will come. But to whom? Famed seventeenth century scholar Robert Burton is said to have read the date and time of his own death in the stars. It drove him to madness until, like predicted, he passed on January 25th, 1640, some say by his own hand. My apologies to those doomed with a placement upon this list. I do not seek to chastise you, curse you with Burton’s sordid fate or steer the reaper’s boney finger in your direction. But if the overwhelming fear rears its ugly head as an unfortunate byproduct of said position upon this nefarious countdown, well, that’s the rub of the greens. Acts 2:38 may tell you to repent, be baptized and accept the Holy Ghost, but getting the goddamn needle out of your arm might be a start.

Numbering among these 100 persons selected for this particular post-it note of putrescence are the greedy, the slothful, the whorish, the vile, the indecent, and the just plain old. Actors, politicians, athletes, and, yes, even members of the media litter this bulletin of blasphemy. No doubt some will heed this morbid wake up call, while others saunter off gently into the good night. Here are the 100 people most likely to die in the next year…

1) Andy Rooney
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: Only God and his doctor truly know what Andy Rooney’s blood pressure is, but years and years of wild bloviations and tasteless ranting have left this nearly ninety year old man looking like a cross between Blue from Old School and Brooks from The Shawshank Redemption, not the best of signs considering both those characters died.
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 75%


2) Tom Sizemore
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Once a noted alpha male character actor, Tom Sizemore’s life has been in freefall for more than five years. Arrested for assaulting Madam-to-the-stars Heidi Fleiss and smoking crystal meth among other things, Sizemore spent months behind bars but has been relatively quiet lately (except for that gross sex tape). Still, anyone who’s seen Intervention knows the chances of relapsing are astoundingly high. Plus, will power doesn’t seem to be his primary skill.
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 65%


3) Senator Robert Byrd
Cause: Natural Causes (Or By Duel)
Reason: As bluntly outspoken as he is decrepit, Robert Byrd once wrote, “I shall die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels.” The great state of West Virginia has elected him every six years since 1958. Yes we can!
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 65%


4) Peter Falk
Cause: Alzheimer’s
Reason: Currently battling old people’s kryptonite, as I call it, TV’s Columbo has an evidence locker full of ailments and problems, probably set on by living life for eighty-one years (not opium). I got a chance to meet Falk once, and he seemed like a hell of a nice guy. Unfortunately, you can’t kill death with kindness. Besides, you didn’t expect him to be able to read you stories every night for the rest of your life, did you, Fred Savage?
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 63%


5) Amy Winehouse
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Regularly injecting herself with heinous cocktails of crack, heroin, meth, and alcohol before shoving her fingers down her throat to purge, Amy Winehouse is pretty much fucked six ways to Sunday. Best case scenario, if she quits tomorrow, her body will slowly erode from the years of degradation, turning her into a low-functioning Ozzy Osbourne or a high functioning adult with developmental disabilities.
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 60%


6) Patrick Swayze
Cause: Cancer
Reason: “I knew I would regret this pick,” I will later say as Patrick Swayze puts me down with one roundhouse kick before zealously pummeling my emotionless face with borderline unnecessary hammer fists. “Never bet against the Swayze,” he will say as the clock strikes Midnight, welcoming in 2010. At least that’s what I hope happens, but betting against pancreatic cancer is like starting a knife fight at the Double Deuce.
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 55%


7) Pete Doherty
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Just because he wasn’t famous or acclaimed enough to die at 27 doesn’t mean he won’t pack it in at 29 or 30. Thought by some naïve experts to have been clean since the latter part of 07, the lead singer of the Babyshambles was recently outed for excessive drug use by his own manager. I don’t know his manager personally, but that’s normally a position which adheres to the strictest of secrecies unless the situation is life or death. Let’s hope he follows the advice on George Michael’s iconic shirt.
Chance Of Seeing An Obituary: 50%


8) Artie Lange
Cause: Coke, Booze And Weight Induced Heart Attack
Reason: There are two types of fat guys in Hollywood: Chris Farley on his first season of Saturday Night Live and Chris Farley in Almost Heroes, John Candy in Blues Brothers and John Candy in Wagons East, Fatty Arbuckle before the rape scandal and Fatty Arbuckle after the rape scandal. Artie Lange has been batting above his Dirty Work days for years. Add the extra pounds with recent reports he’s stopped seeing a drug counselor and missed some work on The Howard Stern Show, and things don’t look peachy for the man who mused in a recent stand-up special on how much money he could have gotten in Vegas for outliving Heath Ledger.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 40%


9) Roger Ebert
Cause: Overall Ailing Health
Reason: One of three writers who inspired me enough to make it my occupation, Roger Ebert is perhaps the greatest film critic the world has ever seen. Thyroid cancer and the loss of his voice have taken their tolls, but Ebert is still punching the keys like a man half his age, though, his blogs have recently become a little more somber. If heaven exists, I can’t wait to see why he only gave it three and a half stars.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 30%


10) Barack Obama
Cause: Foul Play
Reason: Still awaiting his official appointment to the nation’s highest office, Barack Obama has, as a sitting President Of The United States, a nineteen percent chance of dying in office. Four former Presidents have died of natural causes and four have perished by sniper. I wish I could say Barack’s odds of survival were roughly the same as his white predecessors, but there are a lot of stupid, hateful douche bags out there.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 25%


11) Jake LaMotta
Cause: Numerous Punches In The Face/ Old Age
Reason: Who the hell would have thought the inspiration for Raging Bull would have lived to be at least eighty-seven? Ending his storied career with eighty-three wins and nineteen loses, LaMotta went on to buy a bar and drink himself into a stupor daily. If you’re keeping score at home, he outlived Dr. Atkins by more than fifteen years.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 18%

12) Jerry Lewis
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Still young enough to inappropriately blurt out “faggot” and carry a concealed handgun, it seems like Jerry Lewis has been fighting off Hades for a decade now. Hopefully he’ll survive long enough to host his annual MDA telethon on Labor Day.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 17%

13) Keith Richards
Cause: Too Much Brown Sugar
Reason: How Brian Jones could die “by misadventure”, as the coroner put it, before he turned thirty while Keith Richards is still kicking in his mid-sixties is one of life’s great mysteries. This is the same man who’s fall out of a tree was broken by his head.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 15%

14) Ted Kennedy
Cause: Cancer
Reason: He survived brothers JFK and RFK by more than forty years, but this hard-living, hard-drinking Senator doesn’t have much time left. Diagnosed with brain cancer and recently suffering a seizure, I hope the cameras are rolling in heaven when he gets confronted by a probably still irate Mary Jo Kopechne.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 15%

15) Joaquin Phoenix
Cause: Choking On Vomit (Though Maybe Not His Own?)
Reason: Newly retired from acting, Joaquin has been looking down and out recently, leading many to suspect he may be following in his older brother’s footsteps. River famously overdosed outside the Viper Room in ’93.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 10%

16) Doyle Brunson
Cause: Obesity
Reason: Still nearly as sharp as when he won back to back World Series Of Poker Main Event titles, Doyle’s weight has been quite an issue for awhile. The legend once lost a hundred pounds in a year to win a million dollar bet, but Texas Dolly’s seventy-five year old frame won’t be able to support him forever.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 10%

17) Elizabeth Taylor
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Elizabeth Taylor has been so old for so long I remember people openly wondering about her death when I was in middle school. Plus, eight marriages and countless relationships take their toll.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 10%

18) Pat Robertson
Cause: Too Much Hatred
Reason: You can only obstreperously rant about humanity’s sinful ways for so long; even Methuselah keeled over eventually.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 9%

19) Chuck Berry
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Predating the Beatles rise to stardom, Chuck Berry founded Rock N Roll and ended up in jail three times. He’s outlived Elvis, Bo Diddley, and nearly everyone of his rivals, but like Beethoven, he’ll roll over soon enough.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 9%

20) Darlene Cates
Cause: Obesity
Reason: Being 500 pounds for long periods of time does not equate to picturesque long-term health. Still, Gilbert Grape’s mother survived long enough to watch Arnie grow up and become the biggest movie star in the world.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 9%

21) Jeff Conaway
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Celebrity Rehab: Season 1. Celebrity Rehab: Season 2. You could suffocate a mastadon with all the heinous chemicals Kenickie has destroyed his body with.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 9%

22) J.D. Salinger
Cause: Old Age
Reason: It’s impossible to say what the reclusive ninety year old’s health might be like, but he’s ninety and seems to avoid exercise at all costs.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 8%

23) Chuck Connelly
Cause: Suicide--Leaving Las Vegas-Style
Reason: Chuck Connelly should have been his generation’s Andy Warhol. Instead he burned every bridge he had and hit the bottle like Zelda Fitzgerald. Oh what could have been.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 8%

24) Dick Clark
Cause: Stroke
Reason: Since having a stroke in 2005, America’s Oldest Living Teenager has looked progressively worse for ware each New Year’s Eve. I hope he has at least one more in him, but chances are good he won’t return to welcome in 2010.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 8%

25) Lauren Bacall
Cause: Probably one of the hottest women who ever lived, Lauren Bacall will turn eighty-five this year, though she still makes the occasional film or television appearance. I wonder if the statue of limitations has run out on her nefarious crimes in Murder On The Orient Express.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 7%

26) David ‘Tank’ Abbott
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: Always overweight even in his UFC prime, David ‘Tank’ Abbott is a legend in the world of mixed martial arts--both for his staggering knockouts and taste for the alcoholic lifestyle. It’s rumored Tank has been in over one hundred bar fights and still continues throwing back the six packs when not trying to knock men unconscious for money.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 6%

27) Nancy Reagan
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Eighty-seven years young, Nancy Reagan is making less and less public appearances these days, a pretty good indication of her failing health. She’s already survived her late husband by four years, and I can’t imagine she’ll last much longer, which is a real shame considering all of the activism and humanitarian work she’s done over the years.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 6%

28) Harry Dean Stanton
Cause: Old Age
Reason: His character almost died last season on Big Love, and he was almost a little too convincing. Stanton was good friends with Hunter S. Thompson, and while I don’t expect him to end it with a firearm, the eighty-two year old actor will more than likely pass in the next few years.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 5%

29) Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones
Cause: Gunshot Wound
Reason: After an almost unparalleled string of horrid publicity landed Pacman on the NFL’s year long suspension list, he returned this season to punch his bodyguard in the face and play rather poorly on the field. You can only associate with hoodlums for so long before the lifestyle catches up to you.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 5%

30) Ed McMahon
Cause: Old Age/ Cold Weather
Reason: Nearly homeless and still recovering from a broken back, Ed McMahon is eighty-five and in desperate financial straits. Besides, he was mocked for being clueless and borderline senile by Phil Hartman who died more than ten years ago. Jesus, it’s been ten years since Phil Hartman died. Time fucking flies.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 5%

31) Andy Dick
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Remember earlier this year when a coked-out Andy Dick sexually harassed a bunch of teenagers outside a Buffalo Wild Wings? God only knows how often nonsense like that isn’t reported.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 5%

32) Fidel Castro
Cause: Old Age
Reason: If there was anyway and I mean any possible way Fidel Castro could still be ruling over Cuba, that power-hungry bastard would still be steering the ship. Dictators don’t just turn over power because they feel like playing thirty-six holes everyday.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 5%

33) Monty Hall
Cause: Old Age Or Maybe Escaped Goat Attack
Reason: The Let’s Make A Deal host will be eighty-eight this year. That’s one hundred and six point five four in Canadian years.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

34) Pope Benedict XVI
Cause: Poisoned
Reason: I’m just playing a hunch on this one, but the last Pope to be poisoned was Gregory V in 999 AD. Seems like we might be due. If not by nefarious hand, he’s eighty-one.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

35) The Iron Sheik
Cause: Pissing Off The Wrong Person
Reason: The Iron Sheik is without a doubt the most entertaining former wrestler on the planet. Sorry, anyone appearing on Hogan Knows Best. Sheiky has made a second career out of making inflammatory, anti-Semitic, racist, and homophobic remarks about pretty much everyone in the world. I love the man to death, but somebody’s gonna put a bullet in him. Or the years of drug abuse will do him in. One or the other.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

36) Queen Elizabeth II
Cause: Old Age
Reason: The eighty-two year old ceremonial head of state has been sitting out some functions as of late, but she’s dutifully protested never to abdicate the throne. That’s probably why family has outlived the Romanov’s.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

37) Bob Barker
Cause: Old Age
Reason: The man is eighty-five and he speeds around the streets of Hollywood like James Dean. Barker was thirty-two when the Rebel Without A Cause died---in 1955!
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

38) Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano
Cause: Murder By Shiv
Reason: Kicked out of the Witness Protection Program for dealing crystal meth, Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano is now in his sixties and spending time in jail. By his own admission, he may have murdered over a hundred people and then pissed off the entire New York Mafia by turning state’s evidence and testifying against all his former partners. Rorschach had a better chance of surviving jail.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

39) Dan Rather
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: Kenneth, what is the frequency? With Peter Jennings already in the afterlife, conventional wisdom would tell you Tom Brokaw should go next since the two anchors pummeled Rather for years in the ratings, but that likely won’t happen with the CBS anchor having ten years on his NBC counterpart.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

40) Don Imus
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: You could have an entire E! countdown chronicling people Don Imus has feuded with. The misanthrope recently took on Pacman Jones, another unfortunate soul on this list, but only time will tell who outlives whom. My money’s on Imus but not by much.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

41) Joe Paterno
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: The man is eighty-two years old and still trying to coach a talented but troubled Penn State team. JoePa was relegated to the press box for several late season games because of health problems, but the wrinkly-faced curmudgeon has agreed to coach another three years, if he makes it that long.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

42) Don Rickles
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Can an eighty-two year old man really still continue to verbally harangue an audience with such venom? He looked pretty good on the recent HBO special Mr. Warmth, but I can’t imagine he can keep this up for too much longer. Hopefully, he’s still kicking when Toy Story 3 voice work is recorded.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

43) Becky Fischer
Cause: Obesity/ Too Much Rage
Reason: I can’t wait until the fat lady from Jesus Camp ends up being the fat lady in Hell.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

44) Judge Joseph Wapner
Cause: Old Age
Reason: I grew up watching The People’s Court all the time. While other kids were playing soccer, I watched The People’s Court with my friends. I remember smiling at how much he reminded me of my grandfather--who died---more than ten years ago.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

45) Marion Suge Knight
Cause: Murder
Reason: How many close calls has this man survived? He was two feet from Tupac when thirteen shots were fired at him.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

46) Mike Tyson
Cause: Some Sort Of Misadventure
Reason: Convicted rapist, spousal abuser and bankrupt motherfucker Mike Tyson has never really found his place. He could have been the most revered and loved Heavyweight Champion of all-time; instead, he’s a broken, down-on-his-luck former Superman.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

47) Betty White
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Did you get a load of Betty White? She sure has some big _________. Gene Rayburn has passed. Charles Nelson Reilly is gone, as is Brett Summers. I wonder if Jesus likes cheesy double-entendres as much as I do.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

48) Governor Rod Blagojevich
Cause: Murder
Reason: Spoiler alert: Rod Blagojevich is going to prison. I wish I could tell you he’ll fight the good fight… Oh who am I kidding? Governor jerk off tried to extort fifty grand from a children’s hospital and just sat back as his wife made inflammatory comments about my Chicago Cubs. I wonder where that’ll put him on the prison totem pole.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

49) Angela Lansbury
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Admit it, you used to watch Murder She Wrote--in the late eighties--when Lansbury played a nice old woman who solved crimes--in the late eighties--that’s more than twenty years ago.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

50) George Jones
Cause: Heart Attack From Years Of Substance Abuse
Reason: Think you have a drinking problem? Talk to me when two separate ex-wifes both tell stories about hiding your keys only to find you’d driven to the liquor store on a lawnmower.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

51) Gary Busey
Cause: Overdose/ Possible Misadventure
Reason: Years of cocaine abuse and a traumatic head injury have taken their toll on the Slap Shot 2 star. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gary Busey died tomorrow in a gunfight with Keyser Soze; I also wouldn’t be surprised if he outlived every last one of us.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

52) Kate Moss
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Far lower than she may have been at one time, the waifish model still has tendencies toward wild excess and current boyfriend Jamie Hince isn’t exactly Ken Jennings. That being said, he’s still a step in the right direction from Pete Doherty.
Chance We’ll See an Obituary: 4%

53) Joe Franklin
Cause: Old Age
Reason: How this nice old man hasn’t slipped and broken his neck in his legendarily cluttered office is anyone’s guess, but workplace fall or not, at eight-two years old, Joe Franklin seems to be entering the twilight of his life.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

54) Phil Spector
Cause: Stress-Related Heart Attack
Reason: The wild-haired recluse is set to undergo yet another trial this year, and with nearly his entire legal team dismantled, odds of an acquittal are rather low. All that stress and uncertainty can’t be good on a nearly seventy year old heart.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

55) Gore Vidal
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Now walking with a cane, the essayist has slowed quiet a bit recently, appearing in less interviews than he has in recent years. With the 2003 passing of his long-time partner, it might not be long now.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

56) Dwight ’Doc’ Gooden
Cause: Overdose/ Maybe Drunk Driving
Reason: It’s never a good sign when someone chooses prison over rehab. Dwight Gooden pissed away perhaps one of the greatest natural arms in the history of baseball and, in turn, spoiled what could have been a New York Mets dynasty with fellow addict Darryl Strawberry. Though in fairness to Gooden, it should be noted most of the 1986 Champion New York Mets were higher than fucking kites on most nights.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

57) Tatum O’Neal
Cause: Overdose
Reason: From winning an Oscar at nine to blaming a dog’s death for buying crack at forty-four, Tatum O’Neal has been an absolute mess outside of the brief period she married John McEnroe. Let’s think about that. John McEnroe put her back on the right track. Now, she’s single and once again spiraling downhill fast.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

58) Bobby ’The Brain’ Heenan
Cause: Side Effects From Surgery
Reason: After breaking his jaw, hilarious wrestling commentator and former Andre The Giant manager Bobby Heenan fell into a coma. He’s now lucid but still unable to speak more than a few sentences at a time.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

59) Courtney Love
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Anyone who’s ever read Courtney’s blog can tell you she’s either fighting off deteriorating mental faculties or hitting the bottle really hard. The a-grammatical ramblings are often contradictory, confusingly-worded, and downright crass.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

60) Joe Francis
Cause: Murder/ Maybe Suicide
Reason: In a whole heap of trouble over using underage girl and avoiding his taxes, the Girls Gone Wild sleazebag reportedly didn’t respond well to prison, and he might have years of incarceration ahead of him.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

61) Frederic Prinz von Anhalt
Cause: Misadventure
Reason: If ever anyone other than D.B. Cooper was bound to die by strange misadventure, it’s Prinze von Ahole, as TMZ refers to him. Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband is an absolute nightmare. Two years ago, he claimed he was stripped naked and robbed by a rambunctious gang of beautiful women. That was around the same time he claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and started selling his aristocratic name at two million dollars an adoption.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

62) Philip Baker Hall
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: The infamous library cop from Seinfeld, Baker Hall played a gameshow host with a slew of medical problems and demons in Paul Thomas Anderson’s brilliant Magnolia. That was almost ten years ago. Considered by at least me to be one of the greatest character actors working today, at seventy-seven, he might not have much time left to achieve the fame and award nominations he deserves.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

63) Danny Bonaducci
Cause: Overdose
Reason: From Celebrity Boxing to his own reality show, Danny Bonaducci has come off as nothing but an unstable mess for the last decade. His notoriously bad temper and predilection for being a boozehound may well do him in sooner or later.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 4%

64) Yoko Ono
Cause: Old Age
Reason: At seventy-five, Yoko Ono now spends her time envisioning bizarre art and billboard campaigns which puzzle and confuse the masses. She was seven years older than John Lennon, and he died twenty-eight years ago.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

65) Nick Nolte
Cause: Overdose
Reason: The Cape Fear star was recently discovered all bewildered and passed out on his way to begin shooting Tropic Thunder. Two steps forward, three hops into the airport bar.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

66) Dick Van Dyke
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Anytime the media is reporting with cautious optimism that you’ve gotten over a battle with bronchitis, well, you’re probably teetering gently on the cliff. The Diagnosis Murder star is eighty-three.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

67) Louie Anderson
Cause: Obesity
Reason: Often lampooned by the media for his less than enthusiastic demeanor on Family Feud, I actually preferred Louie’s morose take over Richard Karn’s unrelenting optimism. Still, Louie Armstrong is a large human being, and I can’t imagine the fifty-five year old comedian’s body is holding up well.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

68) Ray ‘Menards Guy’ Szmanda
Cause: Old Age
Reason: If you live anywhere near a coast, you’ve probably got no idea who the hell Ray Szmanda is. That sucks. He’s become a Midwestern legend as the old guy who tells you to “Save Big Money At Menards!” He’s now eighty-two years old and still appears in the occasional promotional spot for Menards.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

69) Mickey Rourke
Cause: Drunken Bar Fight
Reason: More than likely about to grab an Oscar nomination, Mickey Rourke is an outspoken madman who lives life by his own set of codes and maxims, most of which involve drinking heavily and obstreperously slurring anyone within ear shot.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

70) Jack Hanna
Cause: Animal Attack
Reason:

Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

71) Frank Gifford
Cause: Old Age
Reason: The former eight-time Pro Bowler was being tackled for a living in 1952. I’m not sure what the average age football players live to be is, but he’s probably well passed it at seventy-eight. Remember when The Globe paid that skuzzy flight attendant seventy-five grand to seduce him? I bet Kathy Lee does too.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

72) David Blaine
Cause: Illusion Gone Wrong
Reason: Less an actual magician and more a dumbass who signs up to systematically punish his own body, David Blaine has been in rough shape a few times before but always managed to come out smiling--at least eventually. Someone tell him to watch out for sucker punches to the stomach. Bill Haverchuck from Freaks And Geeks told me that’s how Houdini died.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

73) Rip Torn
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: People forget what a crazy bastard Rip Torn is now that’s he cultivated this loveable angry old man persona. He once hit Norman Mailer in the face with a hammer, which directly led to his own ear almost being bitten off. Plus, he’s had two DUIs in the last four years.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

74) Lindsay Lohan
Cause: Bizarre Accident
Reason: Oh what a difference a year can make. No longer passing out in the passenger seat or stealing Steve-0’s coke, Lindsay Lohan seems to be at least closer to the straight and narrow. Removing her from this list would be ignoring her rather seedy history, but she no longer seems to be destined for an end like Judy Garland’s.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

75) Ryan O’Neal
Cause: Overdose
Reason: I’m not sure there’s any crime under the sun in which Ryan O’Neal hasn’t been at least loosely affiliated with. Along with son Redmond, the Academy Award Nominee was arrested for meth possession last year. Add that tomfoolery to his history of Leukemia, and the actor seems unlikely to make it too much longer.
Chance We’ll See an Obituary: 3%

76) George McGovern
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Possibly the nicest and most candidly honest man ever to run for the Presidency of the United States on a major ticket, George McGovern befriended Hunter S. Thompson, stood for for amnesty, abortion, and acid and even hosted Saturday Night Live. He’ll be eighty-seven this year.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

77) Bobby Brown
Cause: Overdose
Reason: I’ve been to jail before; that’s American! Two years ago, Bobby Brown had a heart attack and then publicly denied the story. We’ll see if he does the same with future overdoses.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

78) Quinton ’Rampage’ Jackson
Cause: Violence
Reason: Punching people in the face for a living is dangerous enough, but Quinton ’Rampage’ Jackson seems headed for a full emotional breakdown. The mixed martial arts fighter recently led police on a high speed chase in his monster truck and his own entourage alerted authorities about his increasingly bizarre and elusive behavior.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

79) Mike Wallace
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Starting to slow down at ninety, Mike Wallace has appeared less and less frequently on 60 Minutes, leading many to assume he might soon be assaulting Gabriel and the other angels with his eight-to-ten minute curmudgeonly diatribes.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

80) Casey Kasem
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Casey Kasem still hosts four radio shows. That has to do a number on the seventy-six year old. He looks old in his Wikipedia picture which was taken in 1989.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%


81) Harry Knowles
Cause: Heart Attack
Reason: Recently diagnosed with diabetes and coming off an extensive bypass surgery, the leader of Ain’t It Cool News may not have much longer to gush over superhero movies and give the middle finger to the English Language in agrammatical fashion.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%
Editor's Note: Knowles just informed me he had Lapband surgery--not a bypass as was previously reported. I apologize for any confusion.

82) Bob Dole
Cause: Stroke
Reason: The long-time Senator from Kansas is eighty-five years old and still making appearances for good causes. He was punished by Bill Clinton in the ’96 Presidential Races, as many voters felt he was too unstable and elderly for the job.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

83) Michael Moore
Cause: Obesity
Reason: Muckraking is a tough, polarizing business, one which tends to create a hoard of enemies. Michael Moore is certainly no stranger to controversy and likely tipping the scales at three hundred pounds doesn’t help an already stressed out heart.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

84) Bernie Madoff
Cause: Heart Attack/ Maybe Murder
Reason: Reasons? How about fifty billion of them. Bernie Madoff duped nearly all of Wall Street in possibly the most nefarious Ponzi Scheme of all-time. Who knows how much longer it might have gone on if his own board of directors hadn’t blown the whistle?
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 3%

85) Magic Johnson
Cause: HIV
Reason: Still seemingly a picture of good health, it’s astounding Magic Johnson was diagnosed with HIV in the early 90s and fifteen years later only makes this list at number eighty-five. Maybe having unprotected sex with all those women was worth it.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

86) Gary Coleman
Cause: Suicide
Reason: Gary Coleman is not in a good place right now. Going on Divorce Court probably didn’t help things. The Diff’rent Strokes star has tried to kill himself before, and if a few too many things go wrong in 2009, he may very well try again.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

87) Steve-0
Cause: Overdose/ Misadventure
Reason: Coke, booze, and wild stunts don’t mix together as well as Rum N Coke. Steve-0 has recently tried to clean up his life a bit, but I can’t imagine the temptation to get rambunctious with Pontius isn’t overwhelming.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

88) John McCain
Cause: Old Age/ Maybe Trying To Sodomize Iran With His Good Arm
Reason: Affable loser John McCain has been through a lot in his seventy-two years. The so-called Maverick’s prisoner of war injuries have left him a little worse for wear. Plus, his wife has had numerous pill problems which greatly increase the chance of succumbing to addiction.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

89) Michael Jackson
Cause: The Wind Blowing Him Over
Reason: Even if the recent stories about him going blind and needed a new liver are false, Michael Jackson is one stiff wind away from breaking his hip and getting pneumonia. The poor bastard wouldn’t have survived in the days before air conditioning and Penicillin.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

90) Aretha Franklin
Cause: Obesity
Reason: The Queen Of Soul may very well be the greatest singer of the Twentieth Century, but years of overeating have left her with more than just love handles. Watch The Blues Brothers and marvel at how much different she looks.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

91) Matt Bradley
Cause: Being Punched In The Face
Reason: Anyone who follows hockey knows Matt Bradley is probably one of the worst fighters ever to lace up the skates. Ballsy and willing to defend his teammates against anyone, you have to admire his grit, but it won’t be long before a right hand from Milan Lucic or Josh Gratton does some serious damage.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

92) Vincent Bugliosi
Cause: Old Age
Reason: The seventy-four year old author and former prosecutor successfully imprisoned the Manson Family, but his recent wild, speculative book about bringing George W. Bush up on murder charges doesn’t lend credibility to his mental health.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

93) Pat Boone
Cause: Old Age/ Maybe The Rapture
Reason: Devoted Christian and ruiner of early black Rock N Roll music, Pat Boone recently lampooned evolution and wrote a children’s story in which Prince Charming fucked a dwarf and died of AIDS. No, I’m not kidding.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

94) Dennis Rodman
Cause: Overdose
Reason: Rodman has been relatively quiet over the last few years, but years of binge drinking the night before basketball games will leave their share of aftereffects. Early last year, he was charged with Domestic Abuse and is now working to complete his community service.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

95) John Madden
Cause: Polish Sausage Lodged In His Heart
Reason: The seventy-two year old former Raiders’ coach could eat any of us under the table and has enough money to do so thanks to tons of lucrative endorsement deals. He also drives everywhere, which statistically, is more dangerous than flying.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

96) Little Richard
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Seventy-six and still singing “Tutti Frutti”, Little Richard is as eccentric as ever. He might outlast Chuck Berry, but there can’t be too much gas left in that old tank of his.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

97) Gene Wilder
Cause: Old Age
Reason: Looking like a cross between Billy Murray in Kingpin and that old lady who mumbled about Islam at the McCain rally, Gene Wilder has turned to writing after a recent cancer scare, publishing two novels. Even Willy Wonka had to turn the factory over eventually.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

98) Jeremy Piven
Cause: Overdose
Reason: When not freaking out about mercury poisoning, Jeremy Piven has been hitting the nightclubs hard over the last year. On more than one occasion, he’s been spotted with a little blood in his nose, a possible indication of cocaine abuse.
Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

99) Billy Dee Williams
Cause: Old Age/ Storm Trooper Attack
Reason:

Chance We’ll See An Obituary: 2%

100) Paula Abdul
Cause: Prescription Pills
Reason: For a woman who claims never to drink, Paula Abdul is way too consistently acting a fool. The American Idol judge frequently slurs her words, behaves outlandishly without seeming to notice, and even walks off the set. Plus, that recent stalker suicide outside her house can’t have helped the nerves.
Chance We'll See An Obituary: 2%
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