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Let’s face it: we all love wasting company time. Like right now, I’m about to go have a smoke even though I’m technically working. My boss’ll never be the wiser, that douche bag. But if there’s one thing better than getting paid to destroy your lungs, it’s getting paid to meticulously dissect irrelevant hypotheticals about pop culture. Which James Bond incarnation would last the longest in a sanctioned UFC fight? Daniel Craig. Would you rather fuck Angela from The Office or get a hand job from Pam? Miss Beasley. These questions are fundamental to life itself, and yet, the esteemed Liberal media rarely, if ever, even bothers posing them. Well, to quote Ed Harris in The Rock, here and now the lies to stop. I decree we shall now discuss these catty quagmires in an open forum over at Celeb Stink every Wednesday. Because what the hell else were you going to do? Watch Top Chef? Well, it’s the reunion show tonight and that’s not even a real episode. So, let’s bullshit about others…
This Week’s Question: Which movie fat kid would you rather go to an all-you-can-eat buffet with?
Why It Matters: Since the dawn of time, every man, woman and child has dreamt of a place he could stuff his face with more calories than needed for a moderately-priced one time only payment. That these places have popped up on nearly every street corner in Uncle Sam’s favorite neighborhood is a testament to just how far we’ve come since Pocahontas showed Sir Walter Raleigh how to grow corn. From CiCi’s to Golden Corall to that one Chinese hole in the wall we all love, the buffet must be loved in moderation but indulged in its fullest whenever we attend. That’s why it is imperitive. Let me repeat--imperative to bring a fat, maybe even obese male along. This larger individual will make you feel good about yourself, even while punishing your arteries, because he will go bigger, go longer, and even go after the transfats. He won’t condescendingly say, “I see you got pizza and steak.” No. He will loudly decree, “Goddamnit. I didn’t even see the pizza.”
Who We’ve Got To Choose From: These four affable doughfaces are among the best loveable sidekicks cinema and television have to offer. They’re loyal, hungry and maybe even willing to skip lunch to maximize profit margin. Here’s why you should choose each member of this bloated, motley crue…
A) Hamilton Porter: A catcher by trade and foul-mouthed hoodlum by personality, The Great Hambino ruled The Sandlot for one summer back in ’62. He makes an above-average Smore and feels a fundamental, genuine need to share that recipe with the world. So, don’t worry about eating dessert before, during and after your meal. He’d probably encourage that sorta thing, likely indulging in the extravaganze himself. Plus, did you see him grabbing food off the Fourth Of July table spread? Just a stunning feat of coordination and gluttony.
B) Greg Goldberg: Probably not a better goalie than Julie ’The Cat’ Gaffney, Greg Goldberg would certainly make a better buffet partner than that waifish eye candy. He even works around food, as seen when he’s rounded up by his fellow Mighty Ducks in the opening scene of D2. Known for his caustic wit and always arousing suspicion after farts, I’d happily head for the pasta and sausage with him, though preferably get their first.
C) The Man Show Boy: Whether it be peddling beer on the streets or hitting on women more than twice his age, The Man Show Boy shows a love for belligerence and uncompromising excess which far exceeds any of his esteemed competitors in this hypothetical. Maybe that’s why he’s the fatest? Regardless, The Man Show Boy carries with him the added bonus of drinking while on the prowl for scalloped corn, which, as anyone who’s ever ordered drunk pizza at a 4 A.M. on a Tuesday can tell you, is a wistful treat rivaling the birth of a child or random twenty dollar bill find.
D) Vern Tessio: Best known as the fat kid from Stand By Me or Jerry O’Connell before he stole John Stamos’ wife, I heard Vern, visibly shaken and miserable over the caterers forgetting macaroni n cheese, actually tried to eat the leech pried off of Gordie’s unmentionable. That’s not true but would it really surprise anyone if it were? Poor Vern is hungry from the start of that hiking trip and his seven cents aren’t going to get him into Pizza Hut Buffet in this economy.
So, who’s it going to be? Which one of these wildly unhealthy adolescents would know where to find the rolls without looking and or to get you an extra meatball because your plate was full? Vote in the poll below or leave a comment and we’ll argue it out…
Which movie fat kid would you rather go to an all-you-can-eat buffet with?
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