BloodRayne - Preview

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Rated: Likely R

Distributor: Romar Entertainment

Release Date: 2006-01-06

Starring: Kristanna Loken (Rayne), Ben Kingsley (Kagan), Michelle Rodriguez (Katarin), Michael Madsen (Vladimir), Billy Zane (Elrich), Matthew Davis (Sebastian)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Produced by Dan Clarke, Shawn Williamson

Written by Guinevere Turner

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Previewed by Joshua Tyler : 2006-01-11 22:53:02

Uwe Boll's next video game adaptation based on the female half human, half vampire game character.

As much as I’m usually a glass half-empty kind of guy, I have a lot of things to be thankful for in my life. One of those things is that I’ve never seen an Uwe Boll movie. That’s actually something a lot of us have in common. We’ve been lucky enough, or smart enough to let others test him out for us, and report back on the cinematic horrors he procreates. His movies are flops, and we’re all better for it.

So look, I’ve never seen an Uwe Boll movie, so maybe it’s a little unfair to trash him. Normally, I’d agree with that… but come on, it’s Uwe Boll. He defines the word suck. You don’t need to see his work to know that. Ever read an Uwe Boll interview? That should tell you just about all you need to know. The man’s not exactly a mental giant. Mensa isn’t on the phone to the Boll house. Paul Walker maybe, but not Mensa.

Now the question you have to be asking is, if the man is really that stupid, if his movies are really that bad, and what’s more no one bothers to see them anyway, what’s he doing making another? Better directors have been drummed out of the business for less sucking than this. The answer is… I have no idea. The worse his movies are, the more they’re hated, the worse their box office take, the bigger his projects seem to get and the better his cast. My current theory is that Uwe Boll is the first recorded instance of an actual tear in the space time continuum. You know, one of those things that sends the Enterprise spinning into alternate universes, like the one where Spock had that kickass goatee. Uwe Boll is one of those, only without the evil facial hair. Or maybe he’s a black hole. Wait no, that’s Paul Walker.

Whatever he is, the worse he fails, the more highly Uwe Boll seems to be regarded. BloodRayne is his most star-studded, big-budget movie yet. Ben Freakin Kingsley has an Oscar folks! And what’s more he deserved it! It wasn’t a Halle Berry style win. Even former female Terminator Kristana Loken is too good for this, though at least I understand why she’d do it. A starring role in any movie is a step up for her. But Michelle Rodriguez? You’re on “Lost”… you don’t to roll around in the muck with Uwe Boll. Michael Madsen? You work with frickin Tarantino for crying out loud!

The most interesting thing about BloodRayne isn’t whether or not it’ll be good. We already know the answer to that (It’s no in case you haven’t been keeping up). What’s worth understanding his how the heck is this movie getting made? What are these people thinking? What sort of depraved, self-loathing individual will see it? Don’t let it be you.

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