The Amazing Race Watch: This is the Most Stupid Day Ever

Before I begin this recap, I just would like to send out my heartfelt sympathies to the people of Japan, who were hit by the worst earthquake felt in that country in recorded history, not to mention the double-whammy of the tsunami that followed. I would ask that if you can spare it, donate whatever minute amount you can afford to the Red Cross. Every little bit counts.

Last week, the ten remaining teams set out from Australia to, ironically, Japan. Five teams that boarded a flight that was supposed to give them a 30-minute head start ran into trouble and ended up an hour behind; however, stalwart friends Zev/Justin were able to overcome that deficit and finished in first place for the second straight leg. Former NFL cheerleaders Jamie/Cara got into a car accident and were in last place for the entire leg, but were spared elimination because father/son team Mel/Mike were unable to cope with the frigid temperatures of a muddy challenge and had to seek medical attention. Nine teams remain.

Leg Four returns us to the Commodore Perry monument in Yokosuka, and looking at it, I can now only wonder how much of it and the surrounding city was able to withstand the events of this past week. Zev/Justin tear open their first clue at 8:44 p.m. and are told that they need to make their way 2,700 miles to the city of Lijiang, China (in the Yunan province).and find the Jade Dragon Snow Mountain. Because of limited availability, all teams were pre-booked on a flight to Kunming Airport. After landing, teams may individually choose to go from Kunming to Lijiang by plane or by train.

Zev espouses that he may struggle in the most populous country in the world, not being a “people person”. Justin has carried most of the water since the race started, something that will have to change, if that rule about teams dividing up Roadblock duty still exists. Ron/Christina are particularly excited about this leg, given that they speak the native language, a language that I know from years of watching TV is an impossibly difficult language for Westerners to approximate or mimic. Kisha/Jen, Jamie/Cara and Margie/Luke have also been the China before, during their season.

Most of the teams leave the mat and find the airport with many hours to spare before the flight to China, which leaves the next morning. I say “most”, however, because Kent/Vixsyn have the worst start to any leg in history. After leaving the mat professing that their watchword for the leg will be “PMA (Positive Mental Attitude)”, disaster strikes in every way possible. First, it takes them forever to find their car, and then are again delayed because they can’t figure out how to open the door with their key. Then they get on what they think is the highway that will lead them to the Tokyo airport, but by the time the remaining eight teams are boarding their flight, Kent/Vixsyn suddenly realize they’ve been driving for hours in the wrong direction. Yowch. Yeah, PMA won’t last long under this barrage of incompetence, which is ironically similar to the several wrong turns they took in Italy in Season 12. Mercifully, they finally find the airport and are forced to take a flight that leaves a full six hours after the leading teams.

Speaking of which, the eight who didn’t shoot themselves in the foot land in China at just past 7:00 in the evening. Ron/Christina are the first to find out that taking a train to Lijiang is much preferable than going by air, and they are the only teams to catch the second-to-last train of the day. The remaining seven catch the last train leaving ninety minutes later, and knowing that Kent/Vixsyn are not even in the country yet takes a lot of the pressure off. The Goths end up arriving after 1:00 am, and have no choice but to find a hotel to stay at until they can arrange a mode of transport.

Ron/Christina, firmly in the lead, stop off for some authentic Chinese breakfast dumplings (yum!), but when their taxi arrives at the designated location, all they find is a shuttle bus that doesn’t leave until 8:00 the next morning. And just like that, their lead is gone. All the teams board the shuttle, just as Kent/Vixsyn board the first available flight to Lijiang. That flight ends up landing at 8:15 a.m., so they’ve shaved a lot of time off of their deficit. Will it be enough?

The shuttle deposits the eight lead teams in front of a marked box, and their next clue tells them that they have to saddle a yak (a popular mode of transportation in that area of China), which would then be ridden by one team member across a section of the Jinsha River to receive their next clue. Jamie, Jet and Mallory choose fairly docile creatures, and finish this task quickly, followed by Ron and Kisha. They all receive the next clue, which tells them to ride a gondola to a location called Spruce Meadow, which is about three miles above sea level. Wow, that’s no joke. The air is so thin that any physical exertion will put you flat on your back.

Roadblock. Gasping for breath, several teams find the clue box simultaneously, and are met with this leg’s Roadblock: to search through thousands of wooden charms for the twelve symbols of the Chinese zodiac, and then assemble them in the correct order before they can get their next clue. Luke, Cord, Cara, Mallory, Christina, Jen, Zev and Flight Time start their search together. Meanwhile, Kent/Vixsyn arrive at the yaks and start saddling up (no idea whether this is in real time or not).

Mallory is the first to finish, and is sporting enough to let Luke copy off of her to get the order right. She receives the next clue, which tells them to board a marked shuttle that will take them to Old Town Lijiang, where they must locate an “ancient prayer wheel”, whatever that is. All the other teams finish with the exception of Zev, who is having a hell of a time finding the Rabbit. (Just like Alice.) Kent/Vixsyn, meanwhile, are now on the gondola, catching up fast.

After the commercial break, Zev finally finds the Rabbit, but his Asperger’s is kicking in and he gets increasingly frustrated when he attempts to arrange the charms in order. The other teams board their marked buses, but Ron/Christina end up getting on an unmarked shuttle instead, and are halfway down the mountain before they realize their mistake. Kent/Vixsyn finally catch up to Zev/Justin; Justin asks Kent what happened, and Kent lies that their car broke down. Justin then points out that they didn’t take the flight that they were “required” to take, which brings up the possibility that the Goths could very well incur an additional time penalty. We’ll have to see.

On the way back up the mountain, Ron/Christina are lucky enough to catch the marked shuttles going down. They leap out and are successfully able to flag down the one with the Globetrotters inside it. Hmm… the scene where Ron completely lost his s**t seems to have been skipped over, thank goodness. Back up at the top, Zev still can’t get the order right, and Vixsyn has nearly collected all of her charms.

Detour. Margie/Luke are the first team to arrive in Old Town Lijiang, and their next task is to write down a small prayer and insert it into the slot of the prayer wheel corresponding to each racer’s proper zodiac sign. They do this, and are then given this leg’s Detour: Hammer or Horn. In the former, the teams find a sweetshop and use wooden hammers to make a traditional candy, after which they would cut it and box it to the confectioner’s satisfactdion; in the latter, the teams find a local square and carry a large traditional horn, leading a group of Nakhi (pronounced “NA-shee”) dancers, across town. They choose Hammer, followed by Gary/Mallory and Ron/Christina. Flight Time/Big Easy, not having a clue what their sign is, is forced to hysterically try all of them. Darn, these guys are funny. Back at the Roadblock, Vixsyn continues to struggle while Zev has realized that he doesn’t have the right twelve charms. He finds the one he’s missing, and they get their clue. PMA, guys!

Gary/Mallory, Jet/Cord, Ron/Christina and Margie/Luke all start pounding their candy while only Flight Time/Big Easy opt to tote the humongous horns. Jamie/Cara try the horns as well, but they turn out to be too heavy and they have to switch. By the time they find the sweetshop, several teams have already finished boxing their candy, and receive their next destination: the Wangu Pavilion at the center of Lijiang, also known as the Eternal Tower. It’s gonna be close!

Front-Runners. Margie/Luke win the footrace to the mat and score a vacation to Aruba. Nice! But… huh? After being informed of their good fortune, Phil hands them another clue and tells them to keep racing. What the…?! Another mega-long leg? This is the second two-episode leg this season, and we’re only four episodes in! Are they trying to draw the season out? Have they cut down on the non-elimination legs? Inquiring minds want to know! Anyway, being as out of breath as they are, Margie has to bite her tongue to keep from cursing at Phil as they read their next clue, the contents of which are not revealed to us. Jet/Cord finish in second.

Next Best. Gary/Mallory and Ron/Christina finish in third and fourth, respectively. Not much to say this week, except that I worry for Christina having to carry her dad after his imminent coronary, which will happen if he doesn’t learn to control his anger.

Stuck in the Middle. Kisha/Jen come in fifth, followed by Flight Time/Big Easy and Jamie/Cara. Not much to say about these teams either, since so much time was spent on Zev/Justin and Kent/Vixsyn this week. Speaking of…

Back of the Pack. The episode ends rather abruptly, so abruptly that we don’t even see Zev/Justin or Kent/Vixsyn finish up the leg. When we break, Zev/Justin are still carrying their horn, and incompetence strikes the Goths AGAIN: on the bus down the mountain, Kent realizes that they left their fanny pack, which contain their passports, back up at the top, and the roads being what they are, the bus driver is unable to turn them around. My God, what else can go wrong for them?

Next week: the notorious double U-turn. And can Kent/Vixsyn make the comeback of all time?