There’s always a point in American Horror Story when it becomes so very clear that this series is partly written via several games of MASH. How many characters should this person kill tonight? Which sexual deviancy should be put in the spotlight? What kind of a fake-out should we use to waste viewers’ time with introspection into half-conceived characters? I always end up coming back around to the show’s sadistic charms, but I don’t know how anyone can return to any form after the inexcusable narrative shaming that was “Tupperware Party Massacre,” which may damn well be the worst episode American Horror Story has ever expelled from its mother-loins.

Let’s take a look at some very real plot points from tonight’s episode, shall we?

Jimmy Porked the Obese Lady

Whatever the opposite of an Emmy is, that’s what Evan Peters should win for Drunk Jimmy, the alcohol-propelled force of non-orgasming nature. Emma Roberts catches him getting his bone on with the food-inhaling woman that Elsa brought in last week. His pounding away presents conflict between him and Emma Roberts, who probably isn’t too turned on by the boob-pawing skills of Jimmy’s claw-hands. This scene was pretty despicable for all sorts of reasons, but most of all for performances. Jimmy also bangs another woman later and then embarrasses himself by hallucinating his dead mother and burying his face in a stranger’s bosom.

Dandy Thinks He’s a God Now

My love for Finn Wittrock’s camp performances aside, Dandy isn’t a character so much as an assault on the senses and emotions. This week, beyond just his normal blood bath, he killed a whole group of Tupperware party hounds and put their bodies in a pool. After he saying he’d kill everything Jimmy loved, you’d think Dandy would have killed the big lady or Emma Roberts. Instead? Tupperware people. Murders he frames Jimmy for. Jimmy’s now going to jail for the crime that he didn’t commit, instead of the ones that he did commit. Justice being served?

Dandy wants Regina to take a bath with him after telling her that he killed both of their parents, because they’re supposed to be, like, really close and stuff. He even lets her go without killing her, only to have her killed by the detective she brings back to his house. For one million dollars, no questions asked. (I know this show has nothing to do with current social uproars, but watching a white cop shoot an unarmed black woman made me tug my collar a little.) I don’t even know how to apologize for how dumb that scene was.

The Twins Once Again Avoid Death Dot and Bette think they’re safe, but Elsa and Stanley find them and pretend like they’re going to give them the surgery that Dot wants. Stanley has this huge dumb lie about knowing the doctor who did the other conjoined twin surgery, though his plan is just to give them too much anesthesia and kill them. But this leads to Dot and Bette having a heart to heart (both of which are inside the same body) about love and togetherness and a bunch of sappy muck, and so Bette just relents and rededicates her entire existence towards making Dot happy with Jimmy. All so we can have another sappy monologue and a threeway makeout scene that ends in Drunk Jimmy saying he loves someone else. In case you just tuned in: nothing got accomplished.

My main question is, even though Stanley isn’t actually a Hollywood player, what the fuck are his plans so theatrical for? He already had them willingly captive inside a remote location. Why go through with getting a dude to fake being a doctor? Is he worried about Elsa? Who gives a shit. Just kill them and be done with it.

Dell Doesn’t Commit Suicide

Both Jimmy AND Dell are able to hallucinate Ethel, as Dell does when he’s mentally preparing to hang himself. After a drawn-out suicide note sequence, we then have to hear another one of Kathy Bates’ meaningless monologues as Michael Chiklis is possibly getting another chair so he can reach the noose. (Joke, sorta.) Then, juuuust as he’s about to die, Desiree cuts him down and saves him. Once again, it’s like we’re back to fuck all square one and no one walked away any wiser.

Stanley’s Dick is Basically a Character Now

We’ve been privy to Stanley’s homosexual tastes this season, with hints of strange genitalia. But tonight we got to see him take his dick out. At least by cable TV standards. And it’s apparently a humdinger of a dong, as it earns him a “freak” slur and temporarily leaves Dell speechless. Then later, Stanley tells his fake doctor actor idiot to “suck my cock.” And then we get to see the motions happening in a mirror. I’ve got nothing against weird gay oral sex, mind you, but I’m definitely not into watching the sleaziest guy on TV get sexual pleasure from anyone. I liked him a lot more when he was just money-hungry.

I know we’ve been through some shit, American Horror Story fans. The witchhunters of Coven. The alien and Bloody Face plotlines in Asylum. Dylan McDermott in Murder House. But nothing in any of those seasons was as bad as “Tupperware Party Massacre,” which is also a terrible title. I was embarrassed to watch it, even though I was by myself. Next week: someone jerks off a hippopotamus and Dandy kills Christmas carolers. Maybe.

Other Thoughts Floating Beneath the Big Top

No fooling, Dandy’s two-headed puppet elicited a cheer.

Hello, Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

“And I swear she tastes like a lemon lime lollipop.”

Stanley’s doctor-acting cocksucker can’t even read a piece of paper. That’s where this series is.

“It’ll be our secret shame.”

This season is dreadful.

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