On the second episode of Juan Pablo, ABC’s latest man-in-waiting on The Bachelor, the ladies vying for his undying love were the central focus, and hoo lord, it’s gotten real hard real fast with this season. You know what I mean? That sad, guilty sink starts to creep immediately following an eye roll or laugh. Right? Or is it just me? I can’t help but feel as though someone behind the scenes is high-fiving over how stupid these women look. There’s no rationalizing this in the name of love and people doing stupid stuff for love. Moon Indigo this is not, folks. Blerg.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The night was full of hopeful exuberance and overcooked expectations — very similar to last week's premiere. And that’s innocent enough. Right off the bat, the first one-on-one date recipient — Clare — admitted that she doesn’t go on dates, nor does she ever meet men out in the wild, wild world so now that she’s meeting a man, obviously she’s going to put ALL OF THE PRESSURE ON HIM, NO PRESSURE, FUTURE HUSBAND.
But our Juan Pablo is not easily flustered — must be the strength he cultivates through his core — because he loves surprises. So he blindfolded Clare before putting her in the car, which was just so ca-ray-zay and adorable that the rest of the women were all, like, so totally jealous. And off they were to chill. And chill they did, in literal ice and snow! But not before Clare uttered this gem: “All I can do is sit there and smell him.”
And he probably smelled like buttercups and moonbeams because, OMG, Juan Pablo is just so handsome and hilarious, he makes her feel like a kid! (Spoiler alert: it’s probably because he’s a man child woopsies.) Some might even say that's all he is, but she’ll pay you no mind, dissenters, because oh man what love this is blossoming between Clare and JP under the icy glow of a portable hot tub. He’s not just teaching her to skate, he’s teaching her to love!
Clare spent the portions of the date she wasn’t giggling and talking about her daddy issues gushing over Juan Pablo’s body. Why is that all the women seem to talk about on this show? Is it the only feature of his being that’s worth discussing? Which begs another question that might also answer the latter: Why are these dates all voiced-over? Were their conversations that deep and complex? But we’ll get back to that point in a few.
First we have to talk about women being princesses and having high standards — something they both agreed on. Juan Pablo even declared, “I’m having very very much a good time.” Clare told him, “You taste like snow” after they kissed. There was snow artificially strewn about in far-from-chilly Los Angeles while someone from X-Factor came out and sang (I don’t know anything about him other than the fact that he worked at a Chipotle, according to my roommate). As they ran through the snow in their suits, dancing and kissing as the snow began to fall, the truth was clear: THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THEIR LOVE STORY! You guys!
As if that weren’t enough to make you feel a little bit less intelligent, perhaps Lucy’s declaration (while topless) that she’s “not going to go unnoticed” will.
The next one-on-one date when to Kat, the dancer/sales rep from Arizona and the electricity she purported to have felt from the first moment she saw Juan Pablo was translated quite literally into a date at the Electric Run in Salt Lake City. There was a private jet, red carpet, and everything — something Kat loves and would enjoy in her future man. That character-building ability to — on a whim! — hop on a private jet and jet off somewhere, jettisoning all reasonable though and financial and practical responsibility. I mean, how else is one expected to shoot down to Rio for dinner otherwise? How, pray tell, how?
But tonight’s date is not about excess, it’s about utility: which is exactly why Juan Pablo gets the tracksuit made for winter jogs and Kat got a sleeveless short-short number. OK! The date proceeded on despite the disparity because it wasn’t about all that. It was about running, and dancing, and everything other than talk and get to know each other. “Perfect date for me and Kat,” said Juan Pablo, without missing a beat. It’s so electric!