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Following the admission that she’d possibly-maybe had a sex dream starring Juan Pablo (what else would constitute a dream being “steamy”? Did you sweat next to each other in a sauna?), Elise spent the rest of the episode crowing about Chelsie’s adolescence.
But first there was the date, where JP was able to pull out his one and only how-to-interact-with-the-ladies move, singing and dancing to Spanish songs. Literally. He does this with every woman he encounters one-on-one. Even his daughter — remember when they were in the car? It’s a particularly apt moment to compare the two, as we have JP in a car with Chelsie to start off their one-on-one, singing and dancing to a Spanish song. Right before she begins to act like a total child. She’s 24, so, there’s that.
After eating a bunch of delicious-looking Venezuelan food, here comes the actual date: a casual bungee jump. Oh, great, that’s fun for the stomach. And both Juan Pablo and Chelie admit that they're scared. But Chelsie’s really scared. So much so that both of them go into their de facto mode: baby and parent. Literally, he shushed her like a baby, hugging her and stroking her back while he cooed, “Listen, nothing’s going to happen.” All really bolstering Elise’s case.
Which: you know Elise is watched this last night, cackling in a room somewhere full of friends (maybe some random strangers) as she pointed at the television. Someone probably yelled “nailed it!” before they high fived.
But after a billion years of hemming, hawing, and coddling, Chelsie relented and they took the damn leap.
Of course we later learn why Chelsie is so scared: as a teacher in a sea of dentists (her family must have intimidatingly good teeth), she was the black sheep. But she asserted that she lives in the moment and only ever wants to be happy. That, Juan Pablo later asserted, is all he needs and wants in a woman — someone carefree and easygoing. “That’s wifey material,” he declared.
Of course the comedy train returned shortly thereafter, with Elise continuing her crusade against Chelsie age in conversation with another contestant. Seriously, the moment Elise admitted she’s 27 to the other girl she'd been complaining too about how young Chelsie is — after said girl guessed Chelsie to be “25 or 26” — was just perfection. Speechless. Chelsie got the rose, by the by. It was the best day of her entire life! Mine too, Chelsie: mine, too.
Prior to the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo showed up to make the girls breakfast. And he made breakfast. I actually wanted to eat all of that, no lie, but I'm hungry all the time so what else is new. But the appearance was actually a switcheroo: they're not going to have a stuffy cocktail party; Juan Pablo wants a pool party! And a pool party he shall have. “This is a great day of being el bachelór,” he declared.
But what happened next was more akin to a parade of tears. Sharleen declared to him her frustrations with the cameras; Clare looked herself in the bathroom upon seeing the duo steal a kiss after he consoled her. Then Clare came down and cried to him, too — because crying to House Mom Renee wasn't enough, apparently. It’s just because the “process is weird,” you guys. Clare then went on to explain that what she feeling wasn't jealousy — by literally using a textbook definition of jealousy. “It’s not jealousy; I just want it to be me.”
But there’s no time for all of that nonsense now, because things are “getting real,” as JP oh-so-eloquently mused. Is it getting real, Juan Pablo. Really, really real? Courtney Stodden rill? I must know the answer. Apparently, the answer was: too real for Christy, who was very upset. And perhaps not real enough for Lucy, Free Spirit, who is forced to twirl her way back to Santa Barbara and her life of being naked and friends with Kate Upton. I never knew the search for true love would be this real, you guys. I didn't think it would drive us all this crazy.
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