Then there was Kat, the nice-smelling sales rep/dancer from Arizona and Chantel from San Diego — who knows not only how to pronounce her own name correctly, but also Juan Pablo’s. Victoria from Boca Raton, Danielle from St. Louis, and Elise from Pennsylvania, who maybe sees her recently deceased mother when she looks into Juan Pablo’s eyes, which makes me uncomfortable. Lauren S. and her piano bicycle; Chelsie from Ohio who loves science and bad chemistry jokes; Saint Lacy from La Jolla who is one of 952 (or 19) siblings and opens eldercare facilities; a southern accent named Maggie that carried a fishing lure because love metaphors; normal-seeming Alli; Claire from Sacramento; Andi the prosecutor from Atlanta; Alexis from Tampa; Kylie from Illinois; Professional Dog Lover Kelly. There was Ashley, another teacher, this time from Dallas. Which…let’s just say it: she sounds like a phone sex operator. The boys in her class must be very attentive.
Though that’s nothing compared to the attention that must be paid to this season’s bona fide crazies. First there was Amy, the perma-orgasmic, here-comes-the-fork-plane massage therapist who brought her own essential oils to The Bachelor because of course she did. Professional Free Spirit, Lucy, manic put-on dream hippie out of Santa Barbara, didn’t wear shoes because, you know, shoes are restrictive when it comes to skipping and twirling and dancing amongst the lilies. And Lauren H,, a “mineral coordinator,” seemed capable of coordinating on-screen sob sessions and crazy inquiries into the art of swooping more than anything else.
The cream of the cuckoo crop was, of course, Valerie from Sutter, California. She hoped the rest of the girls look like goats because goats are ugly and then she wouldn’t have any competition! Because true love is about grabbing the man you want, not finding a compatible soul for everyone involved. Pish posh! But she has a heart of gold down somewhere in there you guys: ultimately the personal trainer believes “ugly people need love, too.” Wow, somebody call off the sainthooding of Mother Theresa, we’ve found our walking miracle-worker. If you don’t believe us, she’s got a crossbow that might do the trick.
Obviously our favorite is Sharleen, the opera singer from Ottawa, Canada who must’ve taken a wrong turn on the way to her Mensa Meeting. Seriously: how did they convince her to be on this show? Juan Pablo recognized this immediately, though, and did the Bachelor equivalent of putting a ring on it: he bestowed upon her the elusive First Impression Rose. And though Sharleen’s one-on-one interview revealed she felt their interactions were a bit forced, she took the rose with the most hilarious response ever: a face-scrunched “Seriously?” followed by a mega-pause.
Those who were sent packing tonight: Alexis, Christine, Ashley, Lacy, Kylie, Lauren H., Crazy Amy, Maggie, and Valerie. (I know! We were all hoping for a little bit of Tierrable Part Two, weren’t we?)
As for the frontrunners? We’re thinking Sharleen, Andi, Victoria, and Renee. And while some may say that Sharleen is in no way going to stick it out given her attitude, I believe it’s all a red herring. But even if she doesn’t stay, have no fear for the future of Juan Pablo’s marital bliss. I mean just look at all these women: they are the poster children for “ready to get married,” are they not?