Juan “Ze Bach-e-lor” Pablo is ready for amor, America: because he speaks ze language of loooooove. A language built on passion, “the right reasons,” shirtlessness, and television. It’s about the journey, you guys: and ABC is here to bring us on its 18th jaunt down the True Love Superhighway that is The Bachelor. Helmed by our master of ceremonies and America’s cheerleading uncle of love, Chris Harrison, the first-ever Latino Bachelor got his start on the series with a bunch of nutters. Buckle up, kids: we're in for a very melodramatic ride.
This year — given Juan Pablo’s immense popularity — there were 27 women instead of 25: a whole two more ladies to pretend to have some nominal interest in. How will he handle it? After all, as Juanie’s cousin told us in “The Countdown to Juan Pablo” special that aired the night before, he dates like he’s the goddamned United Nations. So many different types of women have seen the inside of Juan Pablo’s heart: blondes, brunettes, redheads. Models, actresses, even DJs: whoa there, champ! The variety is staggering. Boggles the mind, really. He could probably solve world peace with his penis.
Though that’s certainly not a trick he picked up from previous Bachelor, Sean Lowe, the most shirtless man that’s ever existed in the world (outside of his hero, Adam. From the Bible). Though he did come along to give some tips about kissing, because, you know, that’s what happens when a boy and a girl like each other very much and want to commit under the eyes of the flying obelisk that is ABC (the ‘C’ stands for chastity!).
But I’m getting ahead of myself: first we should talk about the ladies as individuals. Since they proved themselves to be very unique snowflakes with thoughts and ideas and opinions all their own, one and all — just read their bios and you'll see. That they just so happen to make up one of the whitest casts of ladies we’ve ever seen? Well, I mean, hey — didn’t you notice that the Bachelor himself is not totally and strictly white? I suppose if there’s something that can be written off as diversity at the top, the rest of the cast doesn’t matter. Sigh.
Though conventional, outward attraction does matter — especially when you’re searching for True Love. (Nobody wants to spend eternity with an uggo with a nice personality. GROSS!) Some girls think Juan Pablo is the “hottest” Bachelor the show has ever seen, while others consider him the “sexiest.” Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only time will tell! After all, this is both a process AND a journey, so it takes a lot of deep thought and meditation on the matter. Besides, “Juan Pablo Fever has reached epidemic proportions!” according the Harrison, so I think it’s safe to say that everyone’s vision is a little clouded — I mean, hopefully that’s just Juan Pablo Fever.
As for the women, there was Nikki from St. Louis, Amy from Orlando in her best pageant shoes from 1992, and Christy from Chicago. Next up was Cassandra from Michigan; a former NBA dancer with lots to say. Renee from Sarasota professed a love of rollerblading and paddle boarding because it’s always 1985 in Florida. The first one to play the suck-up-to-Juan-Pablo’s-daughter game, having given him a bracelet for Camila, was Christine from Miami. She’s a police support specialist (so she fetches doughnuts? I only make that joke because my brother’s a cop now so it’s cool don’t get mad).
Then there was Kat, the nice-smelling sales rep/dancer from Arizona and Chantel from San Diego — who knows not only how to pronounce her own name correctly, but also Juan Pablo’s. Victoria from Boca Raton, Danielle from St. Louis, and Elise from Pennsylvania, who maybe sees her recently deceased mother when she looks into Juan Pablo’s eyes, which makes me uncomfortable. Lauren S. and her piano bicycle; Chelsie from Ohio who loves science and bad chemistry jokes; Saint Lacy from La Jolla who is one of 952 (or 19) siblings and opens eldercare facilities; a southern accent named Maggie that carried a fishing lure because love metaphors; normal-seeming Alli; Claire from Sacramento; Andi the prosecutor from Atlanta; Alexis from Tampa; Kylie from Illinois; Professional Dog Lover Kelly. There was Ashley, another teacher, this time from Dallas. Which…let’s just say it: she sounds like a phone sex operator. The boys in her class must be very attentive.
Though that’s nothing compared to the attention that must be paid to this season’s bona fide crazies. First there was Amy, the perma-orgasmic, here-comes-the-fork-plane massage therapist who brought her own essential oils to The Bachelor because of course she did. Professional Free Spirit, Lucy, manic put-on dream hippie out of Santa Barbara, didn’t wear shoes because, you know, shoes are restrictive when it comes to skipping and twirling and dancing amongst the lilies. And Lauren H,, a “mineral coordinator,” seemed capable of coordinating on-screen sob sessions and crazy inquiries into the art of swooping more than anything else.
The cream of the cuckoo crop was, of course, Valerie from Sutter, California. She hoped the rest of the girls look like goats because goats are ugly and then she wouldn’t have any competition! Because true love is about grabbing the man you want, not finding a compatible soul for everyone involved. Pish posh! But she has a heart of gold down somewhere in there you guys: ultimately the personal trainer believes “ugly people need love, too.” Wow, somebody call off the sainthooding of Mother Theresa, we’ve found our walking miracle-worker. If you don’t believe us, she’s got a crossbow that might do the trick.
Obviously our favorite is Sharleen, the opera singer from Ottawa, Canada who must’ve taken a wrong turn on the way to her Mensa Meeting. Seriously: how did they convince her to be on this show? Juan Pablo recognized this immediately, though, and did the Bachelor equivalent of putting a ring on it: he bestowed upon her the elusive First Impression Rose. And though Sharleen’s one-on-one interview revealed she felt their interactions were a bit forced, she took the rose with the most hilarious response ever: a face-scrunched “Seriously?” followed by a mega-pause.
Those who were sent packing tonight: Alexis, Christine, Ashley, Lacy, Kylie, Lauren H., Crazy Amy, Maggie, and Valerie. (I know! We were all hoping for a little bit of Tierrable Part Two, weren’t we?)
As for the frontrunners? We’re thinking Sharleen, Andi, Victoria, and Renee. And while some may say that Sharleen is in no way going to stick it out given her attitude, I believe it’s all a red herring. But even if she doesn’t stay, have no fear for the future of Juan Pablo’s marital bliss. I mean just look at all these women: they are the poster children for “ready to get married,” are they not?