I know this season of The Bachelor
has been totally without controversy
or shock (har har har), but on Tuesday night all of that changed. Alas: a shocking moment did occur: turns out one of our fair maidens was not besotted by our fair prince of True Everlasting RealiLove. GASP! I know: 'tis true! In what was an incredibly long-awaited epiphany moment
from the Bachelorette
-to-be (I mean: really), Andi realized what the rest of us have been gagging over this whole time: Juan Pebbles is a totally stupid and ignorant narcissist with a seemingly biologic inability to look beyond himself. What a PRIZE!
Instead of recapping this operatic disasterpiece in a more traditional fashion, I’ve decided to let my stream-of-consciousness fly while watching three women fight for the clear crème-de-la-crème of modern men. It seems only fitting for this sad farce.
63 Thoughts from The Fantasy Suite Dates
- “It’s finally time for my love story.” Yes! Finally, Clare! You old crone, you.
- What is with the sweeping orchestral music? I thought that stuff was only used in boring, real life love.
- I loved when Clare tried to pretend she wasn't a liar who was actively lying: “I don’t know if the Fantasy Suite is for me.”
- She seriously looks like an Evil Disney Queen.
- “Is it weird that I want to meet Camila?” Clare, listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth. You want to be this girl’s STEP-MOTHER. Is it weird?
- Anyone else think that Clare basically said, “I guess I didn’t have the foresight to do your morality thinking for you” in regards to the “Swimming In Vietnam” ~escandalo~?
- She’s going to the fantasy suite! What…a total shocker.
- “And when we wake up I think we will know each other a lot. A lot a lot.” He’s basically doing the gross douche-ribbing with his eyes right now.
- This bit from Clare: “I’m just like, loving, falling in love with you … are you sweating? It wouldn’t be doing anybody good if I kept it to myself.”
- I feel bad for Clare's lips because they really have no say as to whether or not they want to look like ducks I bet.
- On Clare's heart: “You melted it!” “You said this was a big block of ice.”
- I’m gagging, throwing up, and rolling my eyes all at the same time. I should probably go to the doctor.
- Now they’re in the hot tub, melting that ice!
- These two are literally perfect for each other and I hope Clare wins and I mean that in no way as a compliment.
- OK, time for: Andi. How's this going to get fucked up?
- Juan Pablo is amazed by “When you talk to someone and you just have a chemistry there.” You wouldn't know, JP: it's the that stuff that isn’t based on whether or not someone has a hole you'd like to stick it into.
- Do you think everyone in that village is thinking “Ugh, these Americans?”
- Is Andi just "waterfall girl" to Juan Pablo?
- “Yeah, I’m pretty easy.” No shit, Juanie P.
- There are many ways to interpret this line, none of them good: “Someone that can fit into my family and my daughter.”
- God he just looks so stoned all the time.
- Before the Fantasy Suite, Andi: “I’m on cloud nine. It’s a dream I couldn’t even imagine.”
- After the Fantasy Suite, Andi: “Waking up this morning I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. … The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare.”
- Juan Pablo — SHOCKER ALERT — says they had a great time. He’s “very happy, she’s cute.” He’s literally the worst.
I'm just going to start quoting lines here because she's preaching to the choir right now.
“I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like. The whole night was just a disaster.” GIRL WELCOME TO DAY ONE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
“I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope that he did not think that was a good date.” HAHAHA OH BUT OF COURSE HE DID.
“Every time I tried to talk about feelings or something in my past, it was always him trying to tell stories about him and not once did he ask about me.” My question is: how has a district attorney never met a narcissist before?
“The name dropping” What names do Juan Pablo know other than his own? Camila’s?
“He didn’t really care,” Well that is just a siren alert.
“Was I an idiot? Was I blind? Was I just trying to be as open as possible?”
Now we're onto Nikki, who's going to ride a horse in a precarious-looking bathing suit top. Nothing could go wrong there.
Nikki: “I’m really glad I wore pants today.”
UGH GROSS DOUCHEALERT: “In a thong? It’d be great. I’d be riding there right behind you.”
Priceless Follow-Up Line Juxtaposition, courtesy of Nikki: “We have a relationship based on honesty.”
Juan Pablo to Nikki: “You been thinking a lot today.” That makes one of them.
He really doesn’t get stuff like “wheels turning” “wanting badly” figures of speech and American colloquialisms are not his forte.
Nikki could be the one “because she’s honest, she’s sexy and she’s very pretty.” Oh cool priorities!
Oh Juanie Pebbles’ hair move is back again.
Nooooo don’t say “I love you,” don’t do it oh no she did ?
Juan Pablo's Perfect Response: “Mmm, I didn’t know that. … I don’t know what to say.” DO YOU EVER?
Every single episode he says “I can’t wait to learn more about” these women. Maybe he should try listening.
Serious Question: Do we think Juan Pablo thinks you hear things with your tongue? It would explain a lot.
Oh! Chris Harrison has not been on much this season, but here he is, guys, pushing JP for more beyond “I like these girls.” All Juan Pablo's got is “What can I say?” because of course.
HARRISON HATES JUAN PABLO YOU GUYS. YOU CAN JUST TELL.
Nikki, stop theater kid acting during your video.
Guys, I'll say it again: Clare and JP are a match made in heaven.
Was the instruction to Andi “walk really, really slow?”
I’m torn because I sorta like Andi’s shorts but also they look like they have a weird vagina flap because of the ruffles in the front.
Did he just say “That’s PERFECT” that she wants to leave?!
Why is he saying “I like Andi” TO ANDI?
This man literally cannot think outside of himself.
When called out on his inability to get to actually know the real Andi, all he had to say is: “I don’t have any idea about that.”
"You should've told me in the Fantasy Suite," oh cool put it on her NO BIG DEAL THAT'S COOL. He doesn't need to be an engaged partner in this or anything!
THIS FIGHT IS AMAZING. I CANNOT QUOTE IT. IT IS ALL JUST SO GOOD.
”Do you know what religion I am?” “No! But I bet you don’t know what religion I am!” “Catholic.” “…” ***FLAWLESS
So we all agree that all Juan Pebbles wants is a woman who talks, laughs, and smiles. No thoughts, no needs, no lives of their own. Right?
That neck of his is getting really red.
“Don’t take it personally,” because nothing is personal with him. Not even relationships!
I love that JP was shocked that Andi wanted to go home. You literally could not write this shit better.
Why are they even having a rose ceremony?
His word usage right now says everything: “Spend the rest of my life with me.”