I know this season of The Bachelor
has been totally without controversy
or shock (har har har), but on Tuesday night all of that changed. Alas: a shocking moment did occur: turns out one of our fair maidens was not besotted by our fair prince of True Everlasting RealiLove. GASP! I know: 'tis true! In what was an incredibly long-awaited epiphany moment
from the Bachelorette
-to-be (I mean: really), Andi realized what the rest of us have been gagging over this whole time: Juan Pebbles is a totally stupid and ignorant narcissist with a seemingly biologic inability to look beyond himself. What a PRIZE!
Instead of recapping this operatic disasterpiece in a more traditional fashion, I’ve decided to let my stream-of-consciousness fly while watching three women fight for the clear crème-de-la-crème of modern men. It seems only fitting for this sad farce.
63 Thoughts from The Fantasy Suite Dates
- “It’s finally time for my love story.” Yes! Finally, Clare! You old crone, you.
- What is with the sweeping orchestral music? I thought that stuff was only used in boring, real life love.
- I loved when Clare tried to pretend she wasn't a liar who was actively lying: “I don’t know if the Fantasy Suite is for me.”
- She seriously looks like an Evil Disney Queen.
- “Is it weird that I want to meet Camila?” Clare, listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth. You want to be this girl’s STEP-MOTHER. Is it weird?
- Anyone else think that Clare basically said, “I guess I didn’t have the foresight to do your morality thinking for you” in regards to the “Swimming In Vietnam” ~escandalo~?
- She’s going to the fantasy suite! What…a total shocker.
- “And when we wake up I think we will know each other a lot. A lot a lot.” He’s basically doing the gross douche-ribbing with his eyes right now.
- This bit from Clare: “I’m just like, loving, falling in love with you … are you sweating? It wouldn’t be doing anybody good if I kept it to myself.”
- I feel bad for Clare's lips because they really have no say as to whether or not they want to look like ducks I bet.
- On Clare's heart: “You melted it!” “You said this was a big block of ice.”
- I’m gagging, throwing up, and rolling my eyes all at the same time. I should probably go to the doctor.
- Now they’re in the hot tub, melting that ice!
- These two are literally perfect for each other and I hope Clare wins and I mean that in no way as a compliment.
- OK, time for: Andi. How's this going to get fucked up?
- Juan Pablo is amazed by “When you talk to someone and you just have a chemistry there.” You wouldn't know, JP: it's the that stuff that isn’t based on whether or not someone has a hole you'd like to stick it into.
- Do you think everyone in that village is thinking “Ugh, these Americans?”
- Is Andi just "waterfall girl" to Juan Pablo?
- “Yeah, I’m pretty easy.” No shit, Juanie P.
- There are many ways to interpret this line, none of them good: “Someone that can fit into my family and my daughter.”
- God he just looks so stoned all the time.
- Before the Fantasy Suite, Andi: “I’m on cloud nine. It’s a dream I couldn’t even imagine.”
- After the Fantasy Suite, Andi: “Waking up this morning I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. … The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare.”
- Juan Pablo — SHOCKER ALERT — says they had a great time. He’s “very happy, she’s cute.” He’s literally the worst.