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Only three are left in the race for Emily's heart! Curacao, apparently brought to us by a poorly spliced piece of stock footage from American Airlines, plays host for the rest of the season. Emily's in a thinkin' mood, as she takes us on a nice long walk down memory lane with an endless retelling of Arie, Jef and Sean's time on the show. She feels strongly about all of the guys, so it's going to be a hard week. We're ten minutes in and we still haven't seen a single shot of new content other than Emily pondering things on the beach. This show really needs to be like a half hour long. Oh, wait. Here she is writing in the sand. First her name, then a plus sign and a question mark. A wave comes in and washes away the plus and question mark. The Bachelorette producers have control of the ocean! Everybody hide!
But before we cut to commercials, coming up... holy abs, Batman! It's Sean.
Emily and Sean meet up for a helicopter ride of the island. Sean hasn't said "I love you" yet, which is very upsetting for Emily. But Sean does use the word "imperative," which should impress Emily even more. Sean's not sure when he's going to tell Emily that he loves her, but he does, indeed, love her. As the couple fly overhead in the helicopter, Sean's voice over says that those three little words will come out naturally. Then there's like a "beep boop" from their headsets, which is the most unnatural sound on earth. Is Sean a robot? This and other mysteries to not be revealed at their next stop!
The chopper lands on private island. Sean and Emily are both super blonde and perfectly tanned. How utterly unfair.There's a discussion of how Sean treated his last girlfriend "like a buddy." Apparently Sean loved that girl but wasn't in love with her. Womp. That girl also always talked about marriage. Womp, womp. For some reason, talking about marriage during a three year relationship is a lot scarier to Sean than being on a show that lasts for a few weeks with the sole purpose of getting engaged. Regardless, she wasn't the one for him, but Emily sure is. Still no "I love you" yet, though, and Emily's getting pissed. Sean just wants to go snorkeling and show us his abs. There are six things better than "I love you" happening on the show right now, and they're in a pack. Male objectification.
At dinner, Sean pulls out a letter he wrote for Ricki. He has suspiciously nice handwriting, but it doesn't match the handwriting on the date cards and fantasy suite invitations, so maybe a different PA wrote it? Or maybe he did. It's a pretty articulate letter, which is a bad sign, because a demonstration of either intelligence and/or the ability to string two sentences together is usually an indication that a guy is getting the ol' heave-ho. Emily likes the letter, and she's fishing for that "I love you," but it's more like she's phishing for it, like an internet robot. He finally says "I have fallen in love with you."
Sean's declaration leads Emily to produce an invitation from none other than The Pimp Chris Harrison, inviting them to the fantasy suite, fake key and all. Sean and Emily agree that they'll go to the suite to stay up and talk. Emily says that every fiber in her body is saying "stay the night," but every fiber in her head is saying "faint whistling." No! Every fiber in her head is saying "no." She basically says in a not-so-thinly veiled way that she thinks she'll be able to make a decision about who she's going to marry without sleeping with anyone. She says it doesn't line up with her beliefs and with the example she wants to set as a mom. Good for her. And I'm not being facetious. It would be pretty inappropriate if she spent the night with these guys given the involvement of her daughter. Sean is a gentleman and bids her adieu.
It's Jef Time, which is like Hammer Time, but with skinny jeans instead of parachute pants. Jef 100% wants to be with Emily, but he's not 100% sure that it's going to work out. Uh oh? Emily asks, "What better way to see Curacao than on a boat?" But I think Sean and that helicopter would disagree. Emily's still nervous about Jef's family and their disapproving ways. Jef's siblings did indeed approve, and his parents want to meet her. She wants to know how he feels about meeting parents and then cutely says that she's a parent, and does he like hanging out with her? Jef wants to meet Ricki to know if "that's" going to work.
At dinner, Emily is wearing a beaded dress version of a stained-glass-window-meets-God's-eye-craft-you-made-at-camp. It is no bueno. Now Jef has some questions for Emily. Where does she want to live? She likes the idea of starting a whole new life. Stability for Ricki! Or, she would move to wherever Jef is. Next question: why hasn't it worked out for her, seeing as she's an amazing girl and she attracts amazing guys? She says that she hasn't had that unspoken "I don't know" with anyone, by which I think she means "je ne sais quoi." But Jef has things that are good on paper and off paper, and he ignites self confidence in her. It's obvious how much she likes him. It's obvious how much she likes all of these guys, really. She did a good job of picking them. Jef has one more question, and it's about Ricki. Does Emily think that he's a good fit for her daughter? Emily thinks so, because Jef popped into her head while she was making her daughter lunch. That's some Fifty Shades of Grey stuff right there.
The fantasy suite card comes out. Jef adorably makes fun of Chris Harrison right to his invitation by saying that it would be awesome to "forgo their individual rooms." But then he says that he respects that their families will be watching this, that there's a proper time and place, and that they will have their own fantasy suite once they're together. Good for him, too! What is going on with this season? It's like everyone suddenly decided to not behave in the most trashy way possible. I can't decide if it's awesome or a bummer. They, too, just chill in the fantasy suite, while creepy shadows of the crew play across the wall. Jef tells Emily that he loves her again, and good, because why is it that once it's out there, nobody ever repeats it? They're great for each other. My only criticism is that they left an entire steak and a whole salmon on their dinner plates in their pre-pubescent rush to go make out.
Emily and Arie also have a boat-based date, then they jump in the ocean to swim with dolphins. Arie says that he doesn't know anything about dolphins other than that they're friendly, which is true, but it's only so that they can get close enough to you to steal your wallet. Emily is frozen in terror by them. These are some fancy-ass dolphins, doing tricks in the air and winking at the camera. Very impressive. Back on the boat, the two of them talk about how they are obsessed with kissing each other. But what Emily doesn't realize is that Arie never made it back to the boat. That's a dolphin she's kissing! Commercials.
Emily talks about how she's insanely attracted to Arie, even though he throws her a wink at the dinner table. But she wants to know more, like what he does on a daily basis. Arie then basically says, "It's funny you should ask, because now I'll deflect the question." When Arie isn't racing, he wakes up at 9:00am. Emily would have spit her food across the table if anyone ever ate anything on this show. He's all like, Oh no, do you wake up at 6:30am? And she'll all like, I wish. Arie also says that he goes out to eat for almost every meal. This is going to work really well with a six year old.
Next, Arie lays out his parenting plan. It will be a slow progression with Ricki. First, he'll become her friend. By establishing himself as Ricki's "buddy," he'll secure Emily's place as the lone disciplinarian in the household. It's the same plan people have been using for thousands of years to ensure the future of their marriages. Congratulations, Emily. You said you wanted to have more kids ASAP. Done! Arie says that he loves how Emily puts him first. Just yikes, yikes, yikes. At least Jef got it -- he actually said that he knows that Ricki will always be number one and that he will be Emily's number two. In Arie's defense, though, I guess you're really not supposed to play favorites with your kids.
Emily is gushing about how she thinks that Arie is soooo good looking. She doesn't give him the fantasy suite card because she doesn't trust herself to be in there with him. It makes her really sad, like to the point of crying. Or she's crying because she's not ready to stop dating three men she likes. The transition is strange.
Emily meets up with Chris, who says, "Great to see you again," as if they've just run into each other at a networking event or something. She says that she didn't get clarity this week because she had three perfect dates. She sees a happy life with each guy, and she's falling in love with them in different ways. Then she says that the week has been awful. But it was also perfect? She is so confused, and now I am, too. She wishes there was more time. Yo, girl. I get it. You like dating three men. Stop rubbing it in our faces.
More crying about the process ending, because she clearly doesn't want to go back to real life. Who can blame her? Perpetual vacation with three hot guys. Where is the Expedia deal for that? Chris tells her that each of her suitors have made her a "very personal private video message." There are way too many contradictions in that sentence to touch.
Sean's video comes on. Emily looks less than thrilled. In fact, she looks totally stunned. Either the whole thing is crushing her emotionally, or she's standing in front of a blank TV while being told to look "emotional." Jef comes on next. She smiles a little, but then big tears start falling from her big eyes. Sad face. Arie's video is last and is a little less inspired. Then Emily just stands there crying alone in the room while dramatic music plays. It's really horrible. She knows that it takes heartbreak to find your true love, but she doesn't want to be the one to teach that lesson to anybody. She is legitimately a decent human being, as are the guys. What a wacky season! Why haven't they been teasing these episodes with "This week, on the most level-headed episode ever..."?
Three candles sit on the table next to Emily. Just as three guys sit on her... heart? Visual metaphors!
Emily doesn't feel too confident going into the rose ceremony, but she knows who she's sending home. Chris reminds us that this is the last ceremony of the season, and that the next step is getting down on one knee to propose. He explains the math of three minus two. The men nod.
The first rose goes to... goes to.. goes to... ten minutes pass. Jef. Dramatic piano music. Arie. Sean looks stunned. Aw, man. Sean! Don't go! Emily walks him out. They sit down together, and he obviously wants to put his arm around her, but he doesn't. It's terrible. His perfect arms are literally about to bust out of his shirt. Emily, you are an idiot.
Sean says he feels stupid because he knew with certainty that he was ready to spend the rest of his life with Emily. He didn't see it coming. She bursts into tears. She wanted it to be him so badly, and she's going to miss him. That's so sad. They seemed really good together. And that family -- that mini mansion! He says he cares about her, and if this is best for her, then she should do it. What a gentleman. Where did they find this guy? He says in the car that he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her. He remains articulate, even in pain. He is so sweet. They better not ruin him by making him the next bachelor. He's embarrassed, but he has absolutely no reason to be. He's one of the best guys to ever be on this show, and he will undoubtedly find a very nice Bachelor reject to actually marry.
Next week... Men Tell All. ZzzZzZzz...
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