The Bachelorette Watch: Season 8 - Episode 5
Emily's in London, and yee-haw! She's about to get West Virgina hood rat on all y'all snooty asses if you don't watch out. But more on that later. Emily is excited to be in London because it's old. Not old in that we've seen this city on the Bachelor/Bachelorette before, but old like in years. She walks Ricki around and shows her all of the places Mommy will be making out with strange men over the course of the week. Ricki loves it.
London, London, foggy olde towne. Not the best place for shirtless antics, so what are the ten remaining chaps to do? Chris meets the guys at Trafalgar Square and announces that they are in London. So if you're just joining us, gentleman, that's London, England. The United Kingdom? Europe? Not ringing any bells? Chris reminds everyone that only one suitor will become Emily's husband, and by this season, he can barely keep a straight face saying it. Meanwhile, a bare butted statue is perfectly positioned next to Chris' face. Off to the Mayfair Hotel suite!
Ryan thinks London is a great place to develop a relationship with Emily. Jef with one F is hoping for a one-on-one date: this week, naturally, is the week to step it up. Arie the race car driver is concerned that Emily will "gain feelings" for someone else. The date card arrives, and it's for Sean: "Love takes no prisoners." Sean announces that he has absolutely no idea what the card could possibly mean. Of all the places in London, of all the medieval towers in London, he is at a total loss.
Sean and Emily meet for their date, and they look pretty great together. Emily is adorable per usual in a smart trench coat, gloves and high heeled booties. Nobody would ever suspect she could go "back woods" on them. But more on that later. She and Sean head out for a tour of London on their very own double decker bus, but not before Sean tells us that "London's calling. And you know what? I'm going to answer it." This would be grounds for immediate dismissal in my book, but my guess is Emily won't get to hear scintillating quips like this until the show airs. So if Emily ends up with Sean, she probably just broke up with him after watching him say that on air last night.
As the bus passes famous landmarks, Emily identifies them as if she's reading them off of cue cards. To be fair, everything she says sounds like it's being read from a cue card. But what Emily lacks in eloquence she makes up for in princess hair and Bambi eyes, and Sean is loving the tour. They have the obligatory past relationship talk, and Sean explains that the last date he went on was four or five months ago, and that it was only for one date. What he fails to mention is that he slept with that girl for the subsequent four or five months -- he just never took her on another date.
Back at the hotel, drama is afoot! Kalon expects to have a one on one date, as does Jef. Jef says that he didn't come here to go on group dates, and Kalon points out that every date with Emily will be a group date because of Ricki. And as distasteful as Kalon's sentiments may be, they aren't... false. Somewhere, a West Virginia hood rat pricks up its ears. It senses trouble brewing.
Back on the one-on-one date, Emily and Sean are heading to the Tower of London, the site of the city's most appetizing historical events, for a romantic dinner. Emily can't believe she's there and is impressed by being led in by a guard. "People don't get to do this," she says. And she's right, of course, except for the 10:00am tour, the 10:15am tour, the 10:30am tour... Basically except for the hundreds of tours that pass through every week. Instead of eating (the food is presumably of the same quality fed to prisoners there), Emily gives Sean a history lesson about the tower. King Henry the Eighth used to put "all his wives" up there and beheaded two of them. Sean's eyes have been opened for the first time. Why, yesterday, he didn't even know London existed! But no matter. Sean has Texas sized dimples and is truly adorable. No surprises here: he gets a rose.
Another date card! It reads, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." One of guys thinks that the card is a Shakespeare quote. He is quickly escorted off set by the producers who are alarmed by his intelligence, never to be seen again. Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon are going on the group date, so Jef gets the other one-on-one. Kalon is pretty dour and doesn't see tomorrow "smelling decent all all." Perhaps a shower beith in order for these courtly gents.
The group date takes place in the lovely Stratford-upon-Avon, where Emily explains that they'll be performing scenes from Romeo and Juliet. A few poor souls from the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust have been enlisted to help the guys prepare, while Shakespeare turns furiously in his grave. Most of the guys have a considerable amount of trouble reading their lines, as in just sounding them out phonetically, while Arie is unable to define what "jaunt" means. And faster and faster he goes -- where Shakespeare will stop, no one knows! Kalon is taking the play extremely seriously, and dismisses Emily so that he can rehearse. Let's just say that Kalon isn't a big picture guy. Alejandro is the only one who mentions respecting Shakespeare and feeling honored to be in his hometown. Which can only mean one thing: Alejandro's gettin' the ax. An audience of Brits with stereotypical dentition is brought in from central casting, and the play begins. After sitting through what feels like two hours of this play, I'll have what Juliet's having.
The group heads to a pub where they drink pre-poured beers and fight for Emily's attention. Emily and Arie get a little alone time out on the patio, and as they kiss, a pair of swans in the background bury their heads in their wings, shielding their eyes from the horrors before them. I wish I could do the same, but my feathers aren't fluffy enough.
Kalon complains that by the time he gets to talk to Emily, it will be "to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting for her." Wow, this guys is a serious jerk. The others think so too, and confront Kalon about referring to Ricki as "baggage" the other night. Now, we didn't actually witness Kalon using the word "baggage," but he doesn't deny it to the guys or to Emily. Emily is so infuriated that she wants to rip Kalon's limbs off and beat him with them. Yowza. She also wants to go "West Virginia hood rat back woods" on his ass. Ah, yes. The West Virginia hood rat of the back woods. A ferocious creature, especially when her young are threatened. Kalon gets kicked to the curb, and Emily decides that she won't be handing a rose out on the group date. She's going home to unpack her baggage. I mean to be with Ricki!
Emily has her one-on-one with Jef. He's dressed in ridiculous mustard colored skinny pants and he looks like he's twelve years old. Emily, who is lovely and youthful and all those good things, straight up looks like Jef's mom. And she's a year younger than him. The two have a traditional afternoon tea led by Jean, an etiquette teacher who is horrified by Jef and Emily's American ways. It just so happens that Jean is the most dynamic thing about the entire episode, and it also just so happens that she is only on screen for about thirty seconds.
Our star crossed lovers escape to a pub where Jef orders fish and chips and "two pints." ("Pints of what?" - My boyfriend, getting sucked into the show.) Jef divulges that he was with Kalon during baggage-gate, but quickly diffuses the situation with a good old fashioned dose of fashion humor: "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever," he says. A Chloe handbag?! Holy shit. Emily prefers Ricki to be vintage Louis Vuitton. Okay.
Jef puts on a pair of normal pants for the second half of their date, which takes place in a capsule on the London Eye. Cute! It's clear that they like each other, but Emily needs Jef to show, not tell her, that he likes her. Back on solid ground, Jef interviews that he too believes he needs to show, not tell Emily how he feels. So he proceeds to tell her that he wants to show her what he's telling her by kissing her. Oh, just kiss her already, will ya? They do. Jef is filled with "a million emotions" when he looks into Emily's eyes. It's because you look like you're her son, Jef.
Rose ceremony! What are these men wearing? Bright red pants? A hoodie with a blazer? A black button down with a black vest over it? What on earth is going on here? We need that Chloe handbag, stat! We get yet another recap of the Kalon situation. Arie is nervous because he didn't step in on Emily's behalf against Kalon. Ryan lightens the mood up by reenacting his Shakespeare scene. Sean hogs more time with Emily and gives her butterflies in her heart. She should probably see a doctor.
Chris comes in to break up the party. Big Ben is chiming -- time has run out for someone! Chris tells everyone that feelings AND emotions are running really high. Not both! The first rose goes to Doug. Then Ryan, Chris, John (for whom "Wolf" doesn't seem to have caught on), and Travis. Chris reminds us that it's the final rose of the night so that we look up from what we're doing on the internet and pay attention. Emily calls Arie. Oh noes! Alejandro is going home! He was the only person who gave a shit about Shakespeare! You're making a huge mistake, Emily. He's a mushroom farmer!
Next week, the gang is "stepping back in time" to Dubrovnik, Croatia. And upon hearing the good news, all the guys turn around and look at each other like, "What is Croatia?"
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