Traditional vacations, completely removing their guests from the soapy drama of their rutty lives, would make for horrendous television. Add Eva Longoria in a suitcase, a cracked-out suicidal whore, and some excruciatingly awkward moments of reliving Susan’s not-so-slutty sexual history and it’ll make that conventional vacation get pretty television worthy. Marc Cherry may have tried a little too desperately to contrive situations that would unite the housewives in response to the many critical outcries with a Lynette-Gaby getaway, but the ensuing circumstances grounded the show back to its hilarious roots.

A painfully metaphorical interrupted honeymoon meant an underground search for Bree after watching her homeless son’s testimony from a dumpster on the news. Sagacious transvestites and sweaty soup kitchens provided for some precious Bree-out-of-water scenes that finally led her to an unforgiving Andrew who could only be reached by a creepily sentimental Orson (who learned about Andrew’s recent turn to prostitution for cash). Andrew reverted back to his Wisteria home that also witnessed the season’s first speaking presence of an extra-bitchy Danielle.

An injured Tom, who demanded Lynette’s attendance at an awry camping trip with the bratty Scavo kids, interrupted her spa sojourn with a divorce-stressed Gaby. Blessed with Nora’s company for a whiny eight-hour drive, Lynette made some bad suicide joke that drove Nora to hitchhike her way to the campsite. The two lovelies met up hours later off the highway and reunited for some Nora redeeming scenes (that leech really does grow on you) that gave Lynette insight into an advertising-hating Tom she had never seen.

Alone and bitter, Gaby was left to pine (not in that unbearable Meredith Grey sense of the word) over her terminated marriage. Literally caught off guard by a now rich John, Gaby soon found herself back in bed with the successful gardener, only to be stunned by the news of his engagement (to the plastic daughter of the hotel tycoon who is responsible for John’s newfound fortune). John ended it (for now at least) after hiding Gaby in a suitcase to get her out of the hotel room. This most humiliatingly uproarious scene in Desperate history was followed by a weak attempt by John to put an end to the affair. That relationship is about as over as Bree’s experiences with murdering lovers and Julie’s pun-filled encounters with Austin.

Susan’s virgin-plus-one lover Ian continually alienated her in his country house through graceless attempts to consummate what Susan calls a purely platonic relationship as he refused to get past her whole 11-lover past. It took the allure of the piano for Ian to finally get Susan in his arms, but it wasn’t much later until a devilish Edie witnessed Mike’s awakening. From what little we could see of the stoic Mike, he didn’t look too happy. Maybe he’s just as annoyed as everyone else is over the upcoming clichéd Susan-screwed-up-yet-again segments. Oh well. Vacations never do last forever.

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