If you ask Charlie Sheen a question, there’s a damned good chance you won’t just get an answer, but a “Charlie Sheen answer.” And those are forever more fun, even if they’re not exactly kind or always sound of mind. It’s been three weeks since Two and a Half Men aired its Sheen-free finale, which killed off his long-gone character with all the grace of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. And now Sheen has responded to it in a most glorious fashion.

When approached by a TMZ reporter and asked what he thought about the way the finale ended, Sheen initially just brushed it off and said he didn’t care. But then he dropped the kid gloves and went on the offensive against creator Chuck Lorre.
I don’t care if he lives or dies…Seriously, it doesn’t even matter. To go that low, and be that immature and that completely unevolved and that stupid. In my face, really? You must feel safe, motherfucker! You must feel safe where you live. Damn.

Now, those sound like fighting words to me. (Or at the very least, “breaking and entering before assaulting someone in their sleep” words.) But the smiling Sheen doesn’t really sound all that unreasonable, if you take the finale into account.

The episode ends with a Sheen stand-in walking up to the house’s front door and being squashed out of existence by a baby grand piano, which fell from a helicopter. At that point, the camera pulls back and there’s Lorre himself, breaking the fourth wall and saying “Winning” to the audience. That was obviously a direct reference to Sheen’s epic run of interviews when he had that tiger blood in his veins and said the only thing he was addicted to was winning. Seemed like a warlock-sized middle finger from Lorre, so I couldn’t imagine that Sheen would react lightly to being murdered through fiction.

He even tosses this non sequitur out there, perhaps to prove that he can say the things he says, and that America will understand.
It’s a free country, but it’s a very smart country. Chuck.

This, while his friends (including Family Matters and Anger Management star Darius McCrary) were telling the TMZ guys “Merry Christmas,” assumedly for being gifted a Charlie Sheen answer. It’s the best stocking stuff no money can buy. Now can you guys imagine the YouTube videos that would have been created had former co-star Angus T. Young gotten killed off?

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