Rant: No, I Will Not Watch Bromance

Don’t for a second read this and go thinking I’m some pompous doucher who espouses greater-than-though nonsense about reality television shows signaling the downfall of art, society and free thought. I love semi-real, semi-scripted catty drama involving conceited toolboxes more beautiful than myself. Love it. The reality show is my Jesus. Wanna look at my DVR right now? There’s five episodes of Jon & Kate + 8. I just got into an f-bomb laden argument earlier today about whether Jessica’s hotness from Laguna Beach: Season 2 was over-praised. It wasn’t. God bless those big titties.

But fuck you, MTV. I’m going to buy a knife and cut out your thorax for assuming I would watch Brody Jenner, arguably the worst character in the history of The Hills, choose a new member of his entourage. Why does he even have an entourage? He’s not a movie star, award-winning author, or person of substance. Entourages are for rubes like Vincent Chase who need help sorting through scripts, personal appearances and discarded groupies.

Sometimes I make wild, impassioned claims about avoiding a new show to keep up my street cred, but this is not just one of those misguided bloviations. I will not watch Bromance. I will zealously veer in the opposite direction like I do with bird flu or meth-smoking propositions from part-time cashiers at Wal-Mart. I will not tune in to laugh at how awful it is. I will not pause and momentarily soak in the pestilence while changing channels.

I can see why drunken sluts with low self-esteem might want to be Paris Hilton’s B.F.F. It’s not my thing, but she’s a rich and powerful socialite with a condom full of connections. Brody Jenner is a hapless, who-the-fuck with a famous father and penchant for befriending potzers like Spencer Pratt. He’s not going to take you to the Academy Awards. He’s not going to change your life. If all goes well, he might let you at his sloppy seconds or extra Muscle Milk. Woohoo.

Brody Jenner, I don’t want to be your friend, and I don’t want to watch you try and make friends. I will, however, ridicule you mercilessly for being a clueless poon clown.