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Spring is here and love is in the air on the set of TGS. Jack decides to propose to his girlfriend, Elisa (Salma Hayek,) again since she's returned from Puerto Rico. She's been gone for a few months and he's hoping she's thought long and hard about his last proposal so this time he's going to give her a ring. Elisa shows up in Liz's office to tell her that she's worried she cannot marry Jack because she has a terrible secret that she cannot "tell to his head" (her English isn't the same since she left). Elisa doesn't tell Liz the secret but she wants her to tell Jack that she can't marry him.
Liz is about to break the news when Ellissa walks in and agrees to marry Jack. She whispers to Liz not to say anything but the secret isn't kept for long after one of the maids recognizes Elisa as the Puerto Rican BLACK WIDOW. Elisa come to confront Jack about her secret soon after being discovered as the black widow and she apologizes for telling her dark tale while wearing a "What the Frack" Battlestar Gallactica t-shirt--one of two hilarious odes to now TV in this episode. She then tells Jack how she murdered her last husband after finding out he cheated on her. It was a crime of passion but Jack thinks his passion for her may be able to overlook her "mistake."
Tracy needs to get his wife an anniversary present and he's torn between two wonderful choices: a denim jacket that says "Hot Bitch" in diamonds, a thoughtful and lovely token, and a Slanket (I love how they used the original term and not the trendy Snuggie). Liz tells Tracy that both items are dumb (yet she's quite taken by the Slanket and who can blame her. It's really distracting to have to lift your arm out from underneath the blanket to change the channel!) and he should just ask his wife what she wants. So he does and her request is to have a tattoo of herself put on his chest. You know something simple, nothing flashy. Tracy hates this idea because he knows it will keep the ladies in the clubs away since his signature move is to lift his shirt and expose his blubber tummy. He tries to think of ways to get out of it but the best they come up with is an idea from Dot Com to use a black marker to add a lion's mane and turn Angie into Tangiers, a gay lion. VERY creative if you ask me.
The writers are on a prank war and they've dubbed themselves The Pranksmen. They even where Fedora hats with little feathers in them! Their first prank is on Lutz. He is frightened by a mouse in a doughnut box leading him to run straight into a wall. The EMT's arrive and a really hot young one is taken by Jenna and he's not gay! Not even bi-curious! In the midst of flirting, Jenna is pulled away and the EMT is forced to leave before she gets his name. She tries calling 911 but apparently they wouldn't connect her to the their celebrity service.
Jenna timidly seeks out Pete's advice (lurks in his doorway belting out sad songs). He takes pity on her and tells her a story about a trick a psychiatrist used in a book to pick out sociopaths. He'd give them a scenario about a woman meeting the man of her dreams at a funeral for her mother. The man had to leave before she got his name so what did she do? "She killed her father to see if he'd be at the next funeral!" Jenna answers, and she's right. So what does Jenna do? She poisons Kenneth with strawberries--he's allergic--hoping her EMT will show again.
Jenna watches from afar as Kenneth choke on the strawberry sandwich she secretly switched into his bag. He falls to the floor exclaiming, "My real name is Dick Whitman," a nice little tout to Mad Men there, but Don Draper Kenneth is not. Jenna's EMT isn't sent to take care of Kenneth this time so she has to do it again, and again, in hopes that one of these times he will show. Luckily Pete is on to her and The Pranksmen are ON the case! They trick Jenna into believing she's practically killed Kenneth, his hands will have to be cut off and he'll have to learn to pee out of his feet. She feels remorse for what she's done so the prank worked! Sociopath is knocked back down to extreme narcissist, problem solved.
Jenna apologizes to Kenneth and tells him about all of the places she hid strawberries and explains how it was only for the sake of love that she did this to him. Kenneth, of course, sacrifices himself for the happiness of Jenna and takes a swig of some water flavored with strawberry juice. The hot EMT shows this time and Jenna goes out with him. Oh happy day! But ultimately it won't work out because he has a 5 year-old son and that just won't do. Perfection is shot down the toilet and Kenneth is left with a cold, ghostly follower since being dead for five minutes.
Jack is torn about what to do about Elisa, especially since he already put his wedding announcement in Cigar Afficionado. He still loves her but he's afraid that he might slip one day and she'll kill him. He needs to test his commitment to her so Tracy arranges a test of erotic temptation. Jack is impressed by Tracy's lifestyle and Tracy tells him he has two choices. He can have life in the clubs night after night if he wants or he can have the lady he loves. A quandary that Tracy never seems to let bother him, or does he? He tells Jack that his Angie is "The One" (another ongoing Matrix reference) and in reality he has never cheated on his wife. It's his terrible secret. The partying is all for show, and because he's a high functioning alcoholic.
Jack is inspired by Tracy and realizes that if Tracy can do it he can too. Though it's 4 am he goes to tell Liz the good news--she's been sitting on her couch in the Slanket working on her night cheese--when they are suddenly surprised by Elisa. She's been following Jack all night and in a rage pulls a cheese knife out! She thinks he's been cheating on her with Liz, but is quickly swayed otherwise after examining Liz's figure, realizing she's not his mistress she's his bro. Jack tells Elisa how he was convinced that he could go through with marrying her but after pulling the Fatal Attraction moment he doesn't think it's going to happen. She gives back the ring and Liz sneaks off into bed with her cheese and Slanket. I think Liz made out the best in this episode. Who needs romance when you have a backwards robe and snacks?
Tracy decides to go get that tattoo after spending the night clubbing. He gets wasted and gets Tangiers, the gay lion on his back and not his chest. At least it won’t ruin his belly showing game.
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