TV Recap: America’s Next Top Model – The Ladder of Model Success

This week’s first Tyra Mail is oh so nasty: “Don’t get it twisted; will you bend over backwards to be on top? Love, Tyra.” And of course Sheena’s the only one to scream out, “Oh, yes I would!” I bet you would, honey.

Rubbery-limbed Mr. Fantastic posing instructor and voguing master Benny Medina returns to the show this cycle to teach the girls about extreme poses. Australian model and contortionist Bree Robertson joins him for the lesson, folded neatly inside a teeny-tiny box – I can’t breathe just looking at her; I hope they don’t make the girls do something stupid like that because that’s just not right and really dangerous and somebody might be claustrophobic like me and have asthma or a panic attack or a stroke or something and I would sue the producers’ asses if I had to... Whew! It’ll be alright. Let me count to ten. 1…2…3…

Well, their task isn’t quite as bad, but much sillier: they have to pose extremely while encased in a red fabric tube. Most of the girls struggle, including Isis whose constant challenge will be to create and maintain a soft, pretty face. But of course Sheena possesses the natural ability to throw her ankles behind her ears.

Back at the pad, it’s Models Gone Wild as the girls meet in the hot tub for Truth or Dare. Sheena expresses the desire to drop her hoochie image and, in fact, doesn’t even see herself as such (so says the girl winding her waist and making her booty clap). Elina’s wishes come true as she gets her first kiss from Clark. It would be kind of sweet seeing Elina moon over her crush, but I’m feeling sad for the poor thing. A straight girl is dared to kiss you. It’s a dare. Meaning that in normal circumstances, it would be the last thing on her mind. Let’s move on before she breaks your heart on national TV.

Hannah’s a pathetic mess, surrounded by black, lesbian, and transgendered girls, all of whom don’t reside in Alaska. Right, Hann? Isis accidentally gets a little too close for comfort so Hannah freaks out and roughly pushes her away, setting off a lukewarm discussion/confrontation about race and prejudice. She explains away her behavior by claiming to be a “typical white girl” who doesn’t like rap music or shout “Heeeyyy!” in the middle of a quiet room. Er…what? When most of the non-Caucasian girls call her out, she bawls. Wipe your eyes and pull down your skirt, Fairbanks. Your ignorance is showing.

The next day, Benny challenges the girls to put their extreme posing to the test by auditioning for jewelry and handbag designer Tarina Tarantino. A number of girls use their toes to hold the bags and Hannah plays set decorator by placing her purse atop a chandelier. Elina wins the challenge and a handbag of goodies, but not before Nikeysha announces to the client that she just might “pee up” herself before the audition’s through. And not before Sheena wraps a leg behind her neck and throws her handbag smack-dab in front of her cooch! Of course.

Tyra Mail: “You want to be on top? Then you better start climbing that ladder! Love, Tyra.”

For the photo challenge, the girls meet Jay Manuel in a field floating too high above the ground in a hot air balloon – Another phobia of mine, but who’s counting? They don’t have to pose in the balloon, do they? Photographer Mike Ruiz will be snapping them dangling from a ladder suspended from the balloon’s basket… Um, Excuse me?

Analeigh
The balloon doesn’t want to cooperate and the wind blows it violently twenty feet in every direction, so Jay and Mike decide to use a crane to hold the ladder instead and the balloon will be digitally inserted later. Analeigh isn’t especially inspiring. During judging, Nigel Barker is disappointed with her apparent lack of commitment and Paulina Porizkova thinks her face looks like she’s thinking too much. However, guest judge Tarina thinks she’s holding a perfect pose.

Samantha
Jay points out that Samantha’s failure lies in lack of garment awareness – the dress clings and rumples in the wrong places. Nigel sees her as much more full-figured than she actually is due to every woman’s worst enemy: shiny fabric.

Hannah
Nigel finds Hannah’s pic “unexpected” with nice angles, but J. Alexander is put off by her face.

Nikeysha
Tyra wants to know what Ni-Ni’s had to eat today, ‘cause that girl is skinny! You just noticed that? She looks sick. Paulina describes her photo as “a paper bag with pipe cleaners coming out of it.” Harsh, but true.

Lauren Brie
Jay is blown away on set. Tarina and Ms. J. love the “broken doll pose” and the rest of the panel think her photo just might be one of the top 5 Top Model shots ever!

McKey
Every time the photographer tries to capture a pose or a facial expression, McKey keeps switching and the moment is lost. At judging, Tyra uses this as a segue into a story about herself and her own battle to hold poses on set for long periods of time while shaking and trying to stay pretty for the camera, blah, blah, blah.

Clark
Clark sits down on the ladder and loses about 4 inches of her height because we can’t see her lap. Before the panel, she shows up wearing about 4 inches of bronzer on her face.

Isis
Despite feeling a bit nauseous from her hormone shot, Isis manages to achieve fantastic face in her photo. Nigel likes the way she looks like she’s falling from the ladder, but Paulina isn’t impressed with the pose; she wants something much more interesting from her arms. Speaking of not too interesting, Tyra hates her drab look in person. If you want to be a model, you must look like one (or at least an aspiring one) at all times.

Marjorie
Our petit croissant looks like a diva with her long blonde weave and oodles of confidence. But she’s still a shrinking violet before the judges. Ms. J. instructs her to bring whatever’s in the picture to panel each week.

Elina
Jay and Tarina are impressed with her ethereal quality, and Tyra gets excited by the wind blowing in her hair.

Sheena
My girl comes to judging looking like, guess what? A hoochie! Paulina takes one look at her photo and asks her if her super perky boobies are fake. Oh, no ma’am! Without hesitation. Until after the judges finish critiquing the last girl and she finally admits that they absolutely are silicon fun bags. Despite the initial lie, the judges are impressed with her eventual honesty. Now, when is someone going to ask the obvious question: How long have you been shakin’ it for them dollars?

Brittney
Gorgeous face, but Jay believes she doesn’t know yet how to harness her own power. She proves to Tyra that she can earn $1 million doing catalogue, but isn’t quite there when it comes to high fashion.

Joslyn
On set, Jay loves how she gives Lauren Brie a run for her money. Tyra likes that she looks like she’s doing a flamenco dance in mid-air.

This week’s best photo belongs to Lauren Brie – it will be displayed as digital art in the Top Model house for a week. The bottom two: Nikeysha for her continued diarrhea of the mouth, and Isis for losing some of her “It factor.” Nikeysha is sent packing and you’d think that would finally shut her up. No such luck…

Next Week: Boo-hoo, girls – It’s time for makeovers!!!