TV Recap: Hell's Kitchen - 14 Contestants Compete

If the chance presents itself I am doing my damndest to get on Hell’s Kitchen. I’m just a line cook, grill chef to be precise, and each week I’m flabbergasted at the trainwreck that is Ramsay’s television kitchen. I honestly have to know what it is that makes these supposed professionals, new or old, so inept at their jobs. It takes me approximately2-3 minutes to cut a piece of bread, grill it, and then spread some goat cheese and pear butter on the damn thing. And yet tonight’s episode we watched as Ramsay yelled to get some garlic bread from the oven in a reasonable amount of time. Speaking of tonight’s episode, let us proceed with the recappage.

We begin right where we left off, with Joseph showing an inordinate amount of disrespect to the chef. Unless, of course, you’re a protein shaked up getting his swerve on at the gym dipshit from Long Island. In that case the disrespect is at an ordinate level. You were asked a very simple question, now you answer. It’s not a difficult concept, and Joseph backs down as everyone knew would happen. Thus proving he is indeed a punk bitch. Say goodbye to any hopes of a real career as a chef.

With Joseph out of the way Chef Ramsay goes back to the nomination ceremony and asks Kevin to provide the two nominees for the Blue Team. Somehow Kevin is capable of answering the question, even providing a reason why Tony and Andy are on the chopping block. The four nominees (two from each team) are all given the chance to say something inane about why they are the most passionate cook, Ramsay gasps and shakes his head as usual, and then tells Tony to get out. The boys sure are dropping like…well, like my expectation that anyone on this show is actually a chef. Robert is placed back on the Blue Team with the boys to balance the scales.

Tonight’s mini-challenge is to cook for a group of firefighters. Both teams need to make garlic bread, chicken alfredo, and spaghetti and meatballs. The team to serve all of their guys wins the challenge. It would seem simple enough to get this task completed within 30 minutes, but neither team can figure out how to spread butter on bread and bake it. It does finally come together, and the entrees start going out. But if they can’t toast bread, then how could anyone on this show ever put out a pasta dish? You’re right, they have problems there too. The girls try sending out an alfredo with a lonely piece of chicken in it, and then have a pink meatball return to them. The Red Team ends up finishing first, and thus garners the victory. The Blue Team is punished by having to clean the fire trucks and equipment, followed by cleaning the kitchen.

The Red Team heads to the Pacific Water Spa for some pampering while the Blue Team gets to cleaning. Dave gets injured but says nothing, and when JP calls them back in Kevin rolls his ankle on the way up the stairs. Both leave to get x-rays. Now I have no idea why but I like Dave. I think it’s the slightly odd way he talks. The two injured guys return: Dave has a fractured wrist, and Kevin has a stretched ligament in one leg and a sprained one in the other.

For service one member from each team has to become part of the wait staff, a job Dave volunteers for to keep from holding the kitchen back. Ramsay chooses Lovely to do the deed for the Red Team. And then the train wreck really begins.

Van starts strong with a great risotto, but Ramsay is upset with how loud he’s being. Pretty much Van is putting to rest any stereotypes people might have about the fish guy, who is supposed to be the artist of the meat cookers. Van is a bit overbearing, but he has talent. We turn to the Red Kitchen where Tennille is getting ready to cook some scallops, or should I say deep fry them. Under her name it says “Executive Chef,” which makes me wonder if maybe you don’t have to be trained to get that title. It sure makes my plan to work hard for the next 5 to 10 years seem a bit pointless. First she has an inch of oil in the sauté pan, and then when she is incapable cooking a scallop she tries putting the ruined ones back in the pan to…um, magically fix them?

Over in Blue land Robert is sort of making Ramsay look like a fool as he too struggles with the scallops. Kevin, despite being injured, is more than keeping up with his teammates. Back in Red Amanda has trouble with her multiplication tables, and then tries to serve well done and mangled lamb. Tell the chef that you messed up the meat, that it’s burnt, that you dropped it, that you couldn’t resist taking a bite out of the meat. Do any of those things, but under no circumstances should you try and serve subpar or incorrect food. This is something any chef learns on their first night of service.

Both teams do end up finishing their dinner service, with the girls winning because Robert forgot to cook the salmon for the last table. We’re given the slight impression that the girls won the evening, but with so many guys leaving the show already Ramsay uses the comment cards to determine the Blue Team the winners. Ariel is singled out as the best on the Red Team and asks her to nominate two people.

First nominee is Lovely. Why? Because she has no business whatsoever running a kitchen, that’s the real reason why. Second nominee is Tennille. Why? She can’t cook would be my guess. The two do their pleading, and Ramsay flat out says that neither are likely to win Hell’s Kitchen. Ramsay says that due to Joseph leaving no one is going home this week, and also he is no one’s bitch.