TV Recap: House – Joy to the World

This week on House I was half-expecting Ashton Kutcher to show up in the Princeton Plainsboro clinic sporting a “Property of Demi” tattoo on his left ass cheek and a Kabbalah bracelet/noose ‘round his neck – everyone and their mother was getting punk’d! The episode opens with a prep school glee club preparing backstage to perform at the annual holiday concert. The “cool kids” decide to play a prank on the unpopular girl in the group (you know her by the mousy hair, sad sack expression, and 60 extra pounds) so they tell her they’re going to make a statement by insulting a lame teacher live on-stage. To hell with protesting war, poverty, or the melting polar ice caps. The chubby girl at first hesitates, but then lets peer pressure have its way. During a jazzy rendition of “The Christmas Song,” she starts to sway and look a bit queezy but she pushes through. When the singers get to the line, “…a turkey and some mistletoe…” the choir falls silent and leaves the poor girl to belt out, “Mr. Henderson’s a stupid [was that bitch or pig?].” Everyone cracks up but she falls to her knees and throws up.

Cuddy brings the case to the team: a 16 year old obese girl with visual hallucinations and liver failure. Kutner suggests Wilson’s disease (a genetic disorder that causes too much copper to accumulate in the liver, brain, and other vital organs). Thirteen suggests alcohol abuse. House suggests Cuddy get out of his office. Then everyone gets distracted by a mysterious gift addressed to House by someone with feminine penmanship. House throws it, still wrapped, in the trash. Taub fishes it out and discovers that it’s an antique medical textbook – a very thoughtful and very expensive gift from a secret female admirer. House throws it away again and demands they drop the subject. What’s the deal?

Chase and Kutner meet the glee club kids on the observation deck of an operating room to question them about anything they may have dosed Jingle Belly with. As a joke, of course. They don’t seem too concerned about their fat friend. God only knows why the obnoxious pricks are even at the hospital. They finally admit they slipped her some shrooms to loosen up and a good-looking blonde named Simon tells them the rest of the stash is in his locker. When the group breaks up, the head Heather stays behind out of guilt. Chase tells her to dry her crocodile tears because it isn’t even Jingle on the operating table. Prank # 2!

Taub and Kutner head to the prep school to search Simon’s locker. They find the shrooms and while there decide to check out their patient’s locker as well. Inside is a giant bottle of pain pills. Back at PPH, Cuddy confronts Jingle Belly who denies suicidal tendencies but does admit to low self-esteem. Cuddy explains to Jingle’s parents that acetylcysteine could save her liver but they need to know whether there’s any chance she really could’ve overdosed. Daddy says no way, but Momma’s not so sure. Puberty’s been a bitch and she doesn’t know what their little princess has been up to behind closed doors, so she requests the treatment.

Kutner and Taub approach Wilson about House’s gift and he tells them it sounds like it was from an old patient House fell in love with after Stacy. I don’t remember this chick so I know where this is heading… Prank #3! Wilson was just yanking their chain. And thus leads to Prank #4! Is it the ultimate performance of re-gifting if you give yourself a gift that somebody else already gave you? Wilson presented the medical text to House last Christmas and now House is using it to mess with his team. For what reason? Who knows!

Jingle Belly is exhibiting signs of pulmonary edema. Thirteen switches from alcoholism to a glue sniffing addiction as the possible cause. House thinks it’s Jingle Belly’s overachieving nature – she’s not only a straight A student but she also volunteers at a local soup kitchen. She could’ve caught a nasty bug from one of the nice, filthy gentlemen she’s been feeding. He sends Taub to perform anal swabs on the homeless as punishment for punking him into halfway believing that Taub thought the book was from Cuddy. Prank #5! House heads straight to Wilson to chew him out for spoiling his fun. Wilson really dampens his mood by pointing out how truly pathetic and antisocial he is to invent a normal relationship through the fake exchange of non-existent pleasantries and holiday presents. If you really want a hug, House, just be nice. If you can. House accepts the wager.

Okay, I’ve been avoiding this storyline: (a) because it’s boring; and (b) because I’m tired of being reminded there are worse things to inherit than bow legs and freckles. I can deal, somewhat, with the incurable illnesses some of the patients on the show end up having. But I really like my doctors to be invincible. Thirteen, however, is not. And besides Huntingdon’s, she seems to be coming down with an incurable case of Florence Nightingale syndrome (she gives a gift to Foreman thanking him for his help). During examination, she asks him where Janice, the advanced Huntingdon’s patient is. Foreman tells her that she dropped out of the program. When Thirteen visits her to ask why, Janice tells her that Foreman was a dick. Can’t be true! He’s so tall, dark, and delicious! Turns out Janice was having bad side effects, but Foreman gave her antacid and told her to get over it. Thirteen tries to get him to apologize and ask her back, but he refuses. She accuses him of being House (we’ve been down this road so many times before…).

Taub returns from the soup kitchen to find House willingly preparing for clinic duty. He announces that one of the homeless men was showing signs of tuberculosis which explains most of Jingle Belly’s symptoms. House tells him to put her on the standard regimen of TB meds before heading into an exam room. He cheerfully introduces himself by first name to a young woman sitting on the examination table. Her name is Whitney (yes, he’s seeing a patient and she has a name). “Greg” tells Whitney to make herself comfortable and offers her refreshments. “Greg” asks Whitney what seems to be the problem. Whitney describes a terrible headache at the back of her skull. “Greg” takes one look at Whitney’s plump breasts and the anti-nausea patch she’s wearing and tells her she’s pregnant. When Whitney claims she and her fiancé are virgins, “Greg” can’t mask his disdain any longer. Nice try, though. Later on, another clinic moron tests his patience by using her asthma inhaler as a body spritzer and then complaining she can’t breathe.

When Jingle Belly starts seizing during her TB treatment, they cross the lung sickness off the board. Cuddy tells the team the girl will need a liver transplant quickly if she hopes to survive. House ignores her and tries to figure out why she keeps hanging around and latching onto this case. Is it because she still loves herself some House? Or is it because she’s still grieving over her lost Baby Joy? Kutner brings us back to the case and suggests the girl could be suffering from a magic mushroom mold allergy. House orders an anti-fungal prick test, but the girl has no reaction.

Whitney shows back up at PPH with her fiancé in tow. She’s somehow convinced him that it’s medically proven you can get pregnant from a toilet seat. What backwoods commune of in-bred feebs did these idiots come from? House tells the poor fool that his best girl obviously cheated on him. Despite the fiancé’s abstinence, they demand a paternity test on the off-chance some of his little swimmers made it miraculously through his Thomas the Tank Engine underpants, across 2 inches of bed sheet, and into her uterus during some very heavy petting. Okay…

Kutner tries to get jingle Belly to talk about her bullying but she waves him off. She’s in a much better mood because Simon brought her homework (wow, she really is a geek). Kutner calls security and has them stop Simon before he can leave the hospital. When he angrily confronts the kid about his real reason for visiting Jingle, Simon tells him that they used to be friends before it became un-cool to associate with the fatty. Taub tells Kutner to take a chill pill and quit expressing his rage over being an Indian foster kid who had to witness his parents’ shooting death. Wha--? Can someone please tell me what episode previously revealed that tidbit of info? Did I miss something or is this the first time we’re hearing about this? Oh, back to story: Simon also tells the doctors he used to buy vodka for Jingle until she got her own fake ID. Maybe it is alcohol abuse.

Cuddy tries to get Jingle Belly to confess to alcoholism before they try to get her on the transplant list. Jingle tells her she only bought the vodka to stay in contact with Simon; she hardly ever drank any and quit completely six months prior. Cuddy warns her against letting her feelings of isolation ruin her life; she was a loner bookworm with no social life too but now she’s a successful hospital administrator with no social life. Hmmmm, what point was she trying to make?

House returns to the clinic to reveal the paternity test to Whitney and her man. Have I been watching too much Maury or what? Don’t DNA tests usually take about 48 hours? House’s face goes ashen and he leaves them waiting some more while he runs the test a second time. Again, I ask: Is Maury giving his baby daddies bootleg tests that need extra time or something? House opens the file and reveals that the fetus has no father. It only has maternal DNA, thus proving a virgin birth. At the risk of sounding like a heretic, I’ll censor myself a bit here. But are there really people on present-day earth who deem themselves worthy of immaculate conception? Sharks, frogs, and algae yes, but us…?

Jingle Belly’s liver failure worsens and her heart rate becomes bradycardic (sluggish, slow). The team rules out alcohol withdrawal. Cuddy suggests multiple endocrine syndrome and Thirteen thinks it could be a tumor. Then leukemia becomes the only thing that makes sense. They bring the girl’s file to Wilson who recommends immediate chemo. House thinks they need to order a bone marrow biopsy to confirm and Cuddy doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to treat her. After House leaves, Wilson explains that House is actually being…nice – the girl’s liver and heart are too damaged and treatment would be too painful for the dying girl.

Cuddy approaches House with doubts about their decision to biopsy Jingle. Maybe it’s not cancer. Could it be autoimmune? Hepatic fibrosis? Vasculitis? House finds a wrapped present on his desk. It’s a thank you gift from the Virgin Whitney for hiding her secret, thus winning his bet with Wilson. In case you haven’t realized, the immaculate conception was phony – Prank #5! Cuddy is disgusted he took part in deceiving the (admittedly idiotic) fiancé about the pregnancy… This thought leads to the show’s eureka moment: Cuddy realizes Jingle Belly’s symptoms all point to eclampsia (a life-threatening complication of pregnancy). Jingle confesses she was carrying on a secret affair with Simon that resulted in a secret baby. With her extra weight and some baggy clothes, she hid the pregnancy from everyone (including the baby daddy) and planned on giving the infant up for adoption. But she ended up going into labor at the soup kitchen and giving birth in an abandoned house. She left the baby to die on the floor with her jacket covering its body. Prank #6: the biggest and saddest of them all.

Cuddy rushes to the house and finds some unsavory inhabitants. A woman enters the room holding a newborn. Lady, that’s not your baby! Just in time for Christmas, another minor miracle and Prank #7! Jingle Belly’s baby survived and has been cared for by a sympathetic crack whore. Cuddy convinces her to give up the child and she brings her back to PPH to reunite her with her mama. Jingle’s parents don’t want the kid, Simon’s no use as a father, and Jingle’s gonna die any day now. So, Cuddy swoops in and rescues Joy II. Would be sweet if it weren’t so ridiculous. And so predictable.

Wrap-up of other storylines: Foreman’s in denial about being a House clone (we’ve been down this road so many times before…), until he has a conversation with his trial partner who tells him she hired him because of his lack of humanity. Whoa, not good to hear. He heads straight to Janice and tells her he’ll give her lower doses of meds to appease herw upset stomach if she’ll return to the trial. Thirteen is pleased with his response. So pleased, in fact, that she sticks her tongue down his throat. I swear, I smelled that plot “twist” a mile away! And here’s how we tie up Kutner’s broken story arc: we hear absolutely nothing about his murdered parents but do find out he was a bully in his younger days; he visits the home of a nerd he picked on and he apologizes in the spirit of high school past.

Next Month: Circle your calendars – House moves to Mondays!

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