I was arguing the merits of Nip/Tuck’s sleaze with a friend of mine the other day. How guilty pleasures are meant to be just that – guilty – and boob tube dirty shame is easy to wash away with Irish Spring and a loofah. But even I couldn’t defend tonight’s trash. Just when you think the show’s gone too far, it takes a step further and then starts running. First off, McNamara/Troy’s latest patient is pretty unbelievable (but then again, aren’t they all?). Manny Skerritt is a way flexible yoga instructor with a giant schlong. He can twist his body into positions that enable him to reach his penis with his mouth and he’s now obsessed with self fellatio. He desperately wants to shorten his member so he’ll stop getting off and get a life. Is it true? That men get excited at the idea of sucking themselves off? Christian admits that he’s come “that close.” I had no idea…

And then there’s Kimber. She visits Christian’s office and asks him to do a favor for his granddaughter. Two year old Jenna has been signed to a baby modeling agency and told that she’s destined to be the next baby Brooke Shields. But she’ll never get hired by the big-name clients with her “thin, villainous lips.” So mommie dearest asks her ex to inject the child with collagen! Thank God, Christian is disgusted and refuses. However, he agrees to meet with the agents to find out what Dr. Frankensteins they claim they’re sending other toddler clients to. “The Steves” are hyper, flamboyant and completely obnoxious, but apparently they get the job done because one of their babies gets hired by Dior for $10K a day! After the meeting, Christian is unimpressed and fires them; to ensure his baby girl is properly taken care of, he decides to take over as Jenna’s new agent. It’s nice to know that Christian has some scruples left.

I miss Lizzy. Very much. There’s a hole this week the writers try to partially fill with Nurse Linda; she comes out of her shell a bit, cracks a smile, laughs extra hard, and even makes a lewd comment. But technical advisor Linda Klein needs to stay where she belongs: dispensing medical advice behind the scenes and keeping deadly silent on camera. The writers then think they can remedy our heartache by introducing a new character: Theodora “Teddy” Rowe, a newly-hired anesthesiologist with clichés tattooed on her forearms and a penchant for danger. Her rough, sensual nature frightens and attracts Sean at the same time. She serves to break Sean out of his fuddy-duddy routine, even convincing him to snap photos of Manny’s dick while he’s on the table and under anesthesia. How many midlife crises is Sean going to have?

Aidan, the former star of med soap Hearts N’ Scalpels, returns with a proposition and a really bad script: he wants to buy the rights to Sean’s life story so he can start production on The Deadly Tightrope starring himself as Dr. McNamara and Morgan Fairchild as Colleen Rose. Sean refuses, but Aidan still insists. He shadows Sean for acting research the day of Manny’s surgery and later tells the patient of their antics. Sean changes his mind about selling himself after Manny threatens to sue the docs for sexual harassment and breach of privacy. Christian is pissed when he finds out and orders Sean to fire Teddy. When did Dr. Troy become the moral compass of the show?

Christian almost loses his good side when Kimber convinces him that lips like Angelina are Jenna’s only hope for a good life. Thank God, he comes to his senses and drops the syringe. However, he leaves Kimber and Jenna alone in the room with the collagen. When Matt picks up Jenna from a play date and first sees his daughter’s bee-stung lips, he understandably freaks out. He assumes that Christian did it and, as revenge, stabs his dad with a sterile needle and whines a lot. Christian finally has the authority to be righteous when he calls Kimber on speakerphone so Matt can hear she was the one who performed the procedure.

Before the ink is dry on the check Sean receives for selling his story, all plans are put on hold because Aidan breaks his neck trying to perform a Manny (I swear, I had no idea guys got off on the idea of sucking their own dicks). He goes to the docs for scar revision on his forehead to correct the marks left behind from cranial screws – oh, and for a penile enlargement. Sean worries that he’ll lose the money because of this hiccup. For insurance against any more problems, he snaps a photo of Aidan’s teeny, tiny penis. Hey, Sean may need to threaten him with a Facebook post. You never know.

With Liz gone, I just had to take a moment to give a shout-out to another of the show’s greatest unsung characters: the music. Nip/Tuck’s musical director has always done a fabulous job of choosing fun, off-the-wall but entirely appropriate music for the show’s soundtrack. But I really loved the freaky instrumental that played during all the pivotal scenes with Kimber, Jenna and Christian this week. Sounded like a broken down merry-go-round and made me feel like I was sitting in the stands of some creepy circus.

Speaking of creepy, Saint Christian turns out to be not so innocent after all. A flashback reveals that he re-entered the room just in time to take the needle away from Kimber before she deformed her child. It was Christian who pumped Jenna’s lips full of collagen!

Next Week: Sean and Teddy get caught living dangerously (which translates to having sex in public places). And after receiving more bad news about his health, Christian heads East to get his woman back…with a ring!

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