TV Recap: The Amazing Race- That Is Studly

We’re nearing the end of The Amazing Race and I guarantee that we’re having a non-elimination round tonight. If I’m wrong, I’ll write a special Thanksgiving themed TAR story by Thursday. (Please for the love of God, let me be right!) We’re down to the Final Four teams: Nick/Starr, Toni/Dallas, Ken/Tina, and Dan/Andrew. I wouldn’t necessarily call them the best four teams. It’s more like the top three teams allowed their special ed brothers, Dan and Andrew, to come along for the ride with a promise of stickers if they behave. With Terence eliminated, I need to mock somebody and I’m in a pretty cranky mood today. Sorry Dandrew.

Nick and Starr are the first to depart at roughly 9:30pm. The teams are flying from Borat-ville to Moscow, Russia! After arriving, they will take a taxi to a monastery where they must light a candle to get their next clue. Whoa, CBS, don’t make it too challenging. Candle lighting is an extreme sport. Once at the airport, Nick/Starr find out that the next flight doesn’t leave until 6:05 am . My Spidey Sense is tingling that this is possibly a mistake. The use of subtitles can often be ominous on this show. Or it could be that the person wasn’t speaking English.

Toni/Dallas depart next and Dallas talks on and on about how much he loves his mom. Save it for Mother’s Day pal. Once at the airport, Dallas drops his mom and starts hitting on Starr and we see some serious hand holding action. Atta boy, Dallas! Okay maybe I was wrong about my ominous feeling as Toni/Dallas and Ken/Tina both get on the same flight. The last team to arrive at the airport was Dan/Andrew sans shoes since they forgot theirs during the last show. They spend $300 on new shoes at the airport after getting tickets on the Moscow flight.

After arriving in Moscow, teams scramble for taxis and in a first on this show, Dan and Andrew find something before another team. Moscow is a very expensive town and Dandrew are very low on money after paying for shoes and their taxi. Language issues seem to be an obvious problem with every team and as usual Dandrew suffer due to this. I hope Vladimir Putin is watching because I am not happy with the taxi service in Mother Russia. Toni/Dallas and Nick/Starr arrive first and light their candles at the beautiful monastery. Their next clue states they are to proceed to a military base for the next part of the race. Dan/Andrew are the next team to light the candle followed very closely by Ken and Tina.

Toni/Dallas arrive first at the military base where the clue says the next task is a detour. Teams must choose between “Boots” which is learning a parade march and then participating in the march or “Borscht” which encompasses serving 75 people a bowl of soup.

While Toni/Dallas decide to choose “boots”, Nick/Starr are having a very difficult time conversing with their taxi driver and are lost apparently. Andrew/Dan and Ken/Tina arrive at the military base in 2nd and 3rd place and both choose to do “boots” too. Nick/Starr’s cabbie stops a few times for directions as Starr continues to show the facial expression range of a soap opera star.

Before marching, teams must dress in Russian military uniforms and then choose their platoon. Ken/Tina and Dandrew are getting their uniforms on while Toni/Dallas betray their country by joining the Russian military. Treason! Andrew can’t get his uniform on so as usual Dandrew can’t do anything right. Honestly, these guys made it to college? How did they make it this far in the race? How the hell do they dress themselves?

Toni/Dallas finish the roadblock and are the first to leave for the city of Zhukovsky and to find the bakery which has the next clue. As Toni/Dallas leave, Nick/Starr arrive at the military base finally. Andrew and Dan decide to leave the march and feed the military. They forget to read the clue that says they had to keep their uniforms on so they have to return yet again to the tent to get dressed. After dressing themselves correctly for once they change their minds again and do the march.

Ken and Tina finish the march second with Nick/Starr finishing a bit later. Dan’s marching was quite similar to a drunk zombie with a mix of Cuba Gooding’s Radio character. I’ve never seen such a worse performance in a task that is primarily walking. Dan never learned the march correctly so they head back to serve the soup to the only soldiers not laughing hysterically at them. Not yet anyway.

Toni/Dallas find the bakery and discover that the next task is a Roadblock. One member of the team must be a delivery man. They have to unload 50 fifty pound bags and stack them very neatly. The lady running the task is a ball buster so Dallas has to slow down his work load to do it correctly. Dallas was pretty worn out by the time Ken began the challenge for his team. Ken’s NFL experience is helping him catch up to a visibly tired Dallas. Nick/Starr are having taxi troubles again while the Russians continue to laugh at Dan even as Dandrew finish up the soup task. Dan and Andrew are apparently out of money so we’ll see if they can even get a a taxi.

Dallas finishes the task first and they are heading to the pit stop. Ken finishes a bit after Dallas with Nick and Starr not arriving at the task until both teams are long gone. Poor Nick is dreadfully puny compared to Ken and Dallas but he does a good job at finishing the task with no signs of Dan and Andrew. Nick and Starr had sent their cabbie away so they are struggling to find a cab to head to the pit stop. Meanwhile, Dan works his butt off unloading the bags and they finish the task in last place.

For the first time, Toni and Dallas get to a pit stop first and win a trip to the Dominican Republic. God I hope this team wins it all. Ken and Tina reach the pit stop in 2nd while the last two teams struggle with cabbies who have no concept of where they are. Starr is hyperventilating basically while Nick shows his character by staying cool. Nick thanks the cab driver when they finally get there and they head for the pit stop. Andrew and Dan arrive but they don’t have enough money to pay for the cab driver. They eventually barter to pay off the cab fare but they finish the race in last place. As I figured, this is a non-elimination round so we get to see these idiots try and figure out how to put on socks or find the sky for at least one more week. At least I don’t have to write two stories this week though. Thank you CBS predictability! Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I’ll see you next Sunday!

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