TV Recap: The Real Housewives of NJ-Red & Black And Read All Over

By Cristin Curry 2009-06-03 07:16:19 discussion comments
TV Recap: The Real Housewives of NJ-Red & Black And Read All Over image
Last week on Housewives of NJ we got a sneak peak at what was to happen this week and it was, FINALLY, the "kidnappin' and Colombian Cartel" involvement. Supposedly Danielle has a sketchy past that the Manzo's intend to dig up. Let's see how well they did.

We start off with Danielle, Jacqueline and Teresa who are out to dinner to discuss the rumors going around about Danielle. Danielle wants to clear the air about the allegations of her sleeping with married men and offering sex in exchange for gym training. They're true. JK! Not true, she says, but she doesn't seem to be all that convincing. She believes that Dina is the one spreading these rumors and she's upset that Jacqueline believed Dina over her, but Danielle's "honesty" didn't seem to convince Jacqueline or Teresa one bit.

The following day Teresa tells Jacqueline that she wants to take dancing lessons. They invite all of the ladies and their husbands to join them. All of them participate except for Dina, well and Caroline decides to watch as her kids take the actual lessons. Teresa's husband, Joe, is gung ho about the dance lessons because of Dancing with the Stars, but upon entering he says that this is the "gayest thing" he's ever done. Lucky for Joe the father of one of the dancers on Dancing with the Stars is an instructor at the school. Everyone goofs off and dances silly except for Danielle. She has a background in "professional" dancing so she decides to creep everybody out by eyeing up each of her partners and having orgasms on the floor. Danielle moves onto Albie, Caroline's oldest, smartest, hottest son. She shakes and shimmies in circles around him, slamming his hands onto her hips, pursing her lips, and staring deep into his eyes. A glimmer of Danielle's funeral flashes in Caroline's eyes as she pays very close attention to Danielle's hands on her son's hips. But don't worry Caroline, it's time for Danielle to switch over to Teresa's husband Joe now.  She doesn't seem so into Joe because number one: he's about five inches shorter than her, and two: he keeps calling the instructor a gay lord. Danielle takes offense to this and tells Joe to quit it. Joe tells Danielle to be quiet to which she replies that she will not because she isn't his wife. Teresa takes offense to THIS statement and decides that Danielle has disrespected her and her husband so now she is done with her. I have to say that Danielle was right in this situation. It was completely rude and inappropriate for Joe to make fun of the instructor, but Danielle needs to learn to just shut her mouth when she knows she's dealing with an idiot. There are basically 1 million men in NJ just like Joe and at some point you have to realize that you're just wasting your breath trying to change their fat head ideas and it's best to just ignore them and talk crap about them behind their backs. But maybe she does know that and she was just looking for drama. All I know is, you don't live in NJ for 20 years and not learn how to deal with morons.

So later on Dina, Caroline and Teresa get together to talk about Danielle. They found the book "Cop Without a Badge" written by Danielle's ex-husband, which has Danielle's mugshot in it. Yes! HERE IT ISTHE DAY I've been WAITING for! The book says she was involved with kidnapping, the Colombian Cartel, prostitution, and extortion. Dina and Caroline finally convince Teresa to get rid of Danielle after finding this book. Now they just need to completely convince Jacqueline. Caroline believes that Danielle befriended Jacqueline because she's sweet and naive and she knows she can work her. Now they just have to help Jacqueline see the true beast that she's dealing with.

But Jacqueline isn't giving up on her that easily. She decides to go over to Danielle's house to let her know that she found the book and that people know about it. No one in her family wants her to talk to Danielle but being the nice person that Jacqueline is she decides to give her a chance to explain herself. Jacqueline greets Danielle warmly with a hug, then they chug some champagne and get down to it. Danielle starts to explain how when this all happened she was away modeling--lie number one--and she came back to her boyfriend who was being arrested for for kidnapping and extortion. Since she happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time she was arrested as an accessory. See no big deal? Only an ACCESSORY to kidnapping. Ain't no THANG! Danielle says she has proof that Dina is tarnishing her name by sharing this book with the entire town of Franklin Lakes. She knows that Dina brought the book into Chateau, the hair salon, because the hair salon is city hall in this town, therefore letting all of Franklin Lakes know about her shady past. Jacqueline is half convinced by her pack of lies, and plays along with Danielle's creepy toast to knowing who her enemies are which probably inducted her into some sort of new crime family upon clinking glassed, but she's going to give it some time and think about what "the family" wants her to do and what she feels is right. Jacqueline YOU know what the family wants you to do and it ain't gonna be pretty, but man do I look forward to it.

Teresa is moving into her dream hotel today. All of her gaudy furniture has arrived and the finishing touches of onyx and diamond crusted ruby and marble are being put on. One last thing though, the furniture guys need to be paid. Joe goes to pay them and BAM here comes the cash. Hundred dollar bills pouring through his little sausage fingers, only the best for his tacky wife! So sweet and yet so revolting. Gia, the star daughter, is getting QUITE the little attitude these days. I guess the calls for acting jobs are starting to come in so she's getting a more confident. She gets a call from her agent asking if she'd like to be on Gossip Girl to which her casual reply is "uhh ya bet I do. A lot of people want me these days hmm." No freak out, nothing. Man if I were asked to be on Gossip Girl everyday for the rest of my LIFE I would probably still freak out. Oh Gia, you're lucky you're only seven because if you were about 17 that response would be getting you killed by now. Wait, who am I kidding, she'd probably be getting her own spin off show. Wait, how does she even know what Gossip Girl is? She's 7 years-old!

Danielle introduces us to her Gay Husband Tommy, whom she kisses on the lips. I'm really getting sick of these women who wish they were Will & Grace. She starts to explain to Tommy what the deal is with the rumors and as she starts to explain how she was just a victim of circumstance her story gets more and more unbelievable. Yes I do believe that you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time but I also know that you knew who your "boyfriend" at the time was. Clearly he was someone connected who lived in a giant house with 30 rooms, where you wouldn't know what was going on in each room at a given moment. Normal boyfriends don't have houses with stuff happening in rooms all over the house unless your boyfriend is the President. Tommy's face starts to drop and his eyes widen, "Exactly who is this woman I've used as my beard for 27 years?" Man the Jersey accent on Danielle is FULL blown right now too, "Dees bitches don't undastand what they're doin' when dey say dis stuff. I got a daughta goin inta high school, I don't need dis high school drama from dem!" Ooh but Danielle you do don't you see? You love the drama because therefore you stay relevant, you love this and we love/hate you for it. Keep up the crazy, it's what you're best at.


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