Wednesday's Weekly Diatribe: Saved By The Bell Lied To Me

By Mack Rawden: 2007-04-25 12:48:45

The other day, I heard an uproarious account of the wild exploits of a minor league umpire. So for a brief moment, I smiled and daydreamed about what it would be like to shout “Safe!” for a living. A few weeks ago, I watched Wall Street, and again, I pined after Darryl Hannah vehemently praying that God would transport me into the world of Gordon Gecko. If you think about it, all throughout life we’re bombarded from both friends and the media with crazy and intriguing stories of lives that we will never lead. Occasionally, some gritty soul will vault and leapfrog all the way to his pinnacle, but in doing so, he will invariably realize that dreams are exactly that.

Like any rabble-rousing twelve year old boy, high school was my Utopian dream get away. I saw the ever-changing and hilarious life of Zack Morris and knew I wanted in. Besides, middle school was starting to cramp my style. One hot lunch option? That’s some intolerable and possibly criminal bullshit. In retrospect, I probably should have packed my meal, but the occasional presence of grilled cheese and dinosaur pasta inspired me to sojourn on. In a few years, I would be eating lunch at Max’s during open-campus lunch hours. Yup, ninth grade was going to be a little slice of heaven.

Oh, wait! I soon found out that grades 9 though 12 were nothing like these televised lies. Richard Nixon, in all his power-hungry, anxious glory, had more veracity than this teenage fallacy. My plan of throwing an impromptu birthday party in the office of our obtuse principal was certainly out the window. I didn’t even have a rich, fashion savvy black friend. She must have been eaten by one of my overweight and over-opinionated buddies.

Over the course of its eighty-seven episode run, ‘Saved By The Bell’ espoused an uncountable number of inaccuracies, fabrications, and out right subterfuges. Here’s a short analysis of some of the more prevalent myths my gullible-thirsty mind bought into and how egregious each one ended up being.

Lie Number 1: My Friends Will Be Eclectic And Diverse Love and friendship transcended all bounds on ‘Saved By The Bell.’ Zack’s supporting cast was a hodgepodge of rich and poor, white and black, and smart and dumb. Where was my multiracial crew? I was friends with a Jew and some fat kids. Does that count? People tend to gravitate towards like minds, and I soon found myself entrenched with other Ho-Ho hungry elitist pricks.

Lie Number 2: Everyday Will Be Exciting! Nope. Nope. Nope. High school is probably the most tedious four years of existence. My recollections are just jumbled hazes of passing periods, bad dating decisions, and lots of sleep-deprived lectures; it’s basically a half decade of monotony. Sure, occasionally a day will break the steadfast grip of colorlessness, but it’s invariably followed by two weeks of rehashing the momentary iota of non-routine. Can you imagine if every AC Slater shenanigan was followed by five episodes of lunch room discussion?

Lie Number 3: The Hot Girls Are Intelligent And Well-Spoken Jessie Spano was the smartest girl in school with Showgirl curves and an ardent pep-pill problem. Kelly may not have wooed Einstein, but she contributed the occasional trinket of wisdom. But actually, most hot girls are vapid wastelands of eyeliner and fake egos. I’m not foolhardy enough to believe that the average male is somehow less pathetic, but there’s a special place in my heart for barely-legal women with little to say.

Lie Number 4: One Of My Girlfriends Will Secretly Be Homeless In one memorable episode, Zack finds out that his girlfriend, Laura Burton, is the daughter of a grizzled homeless man that periodically uses the school bathroom to shave. This is probably the most ill-advised mess of a plot I have ever heard. How could you swindle your boyfriend into thinking you weren’t homeless? I’ve seen some outrageous chicanery in my day, but that probably tops it all. My girlfriends have been lots of things, but surreptitiously transient was never one.

Lie Number 5: Everyday Is Filled With Life Lessons You may have noticed each thirty minutes was wrapped up with a convenient cliché-ridden lesson bow. Life is a little more chaotic. My parents may have imparted some of their wisdom in my direction, but at the end of the day, I, like everyone else, just sidestepped the helpful knowledge, eager to continue fucking up. No one ever learns lessons. You just smile and continue bullshitting. That’s the American way.

Sadly, this is only a thousand word column, and I can’t continue to enlighten your soul by exposing more blatant lies, but let’s be serious: just think about ‘Saved By The Bell’ for thirty seconds. How many outlandish hypocrisies did you come up with? If it wasn’t at least five, you probably weren’t trying. Do I still love watching Screech awkwardly hit on Lisa? Hell yes, I do. But I had to expose the plot holes to prevent future generations from being duped as hopelessly and completely as I was.

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