Jersey Shore Premiere Watch: In Italy, No One Can Hear You Scream

By Jonathan Elliott 2011-08-05 09:13:06 discussion comments
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Jersey Shore Premiere Watch: In Italy, No One Can Hear You Scream image
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Oh, the humanity. I've missed you, moppets. Such hookups. Such terror. Such unrepentant herpes, spread up and down the eastern seaboard. And now, our sunset-hued pals have been given the boot, chucked on over to Italy. Here we go.

THIS WEEK: We open with Snooki taking passport pictures; Snooki talking-heads that Europe is a big "cruntry." Cruntry. I have no words. That gave me a nosebleed. Nay, a rage-stroke. So, then Pauly's packing. I missed you, P-D. He tells us that Italy is an international panty-raid, Okay. Not so bad. Then...Deena. AKA Snooki II: The New Batch. She tells us that she's going to DO EVERYTHING. I really hope we get a shot of her humping Michelangelo's David. Please. Pretty Please. Vinny's learning Italian, and I think he's trying to learn how to say "large wang." That's all you need, pal. "Food. Bathroom. Large Wang."

Snooki's been dating Gianni for six months now; in Snooki years, that's like, a The Notebook-length romance. He's actually pretty cute, which means he must cry during sex or something else truly dysfunctional, because he's dating a traffic cone. He also sounds just like JWOWW. Close your eyes. Listen to him. Tell me I'm wrong. The Situation has aged about forty years. He makes Betty White look like Dakota Fanning. Sun damage is no joke, kiddlywinks. JWOWW, meanwhile, is pumping iron, and telling us she's done with gorillas. Good for her. She smiles and shows off her dimples, as her adam's apple bobs up and down.

Ronnie tells us he's single. He smiles, and looks like he's been huffing a lot of glue. Which would make a lot of sense. Then...Sammi. She's wearing what looks like a scratchy red table cloth, and she tells us she and Ron have healed. Well, that's good for both of you crazy kids. I'm glad the penicillin cleared everything up. Snooki climbs into a car--"Italy, here we come!" Uhm. You know you can't...drive there, right? Then again, that would solve lots of problems. Vinny's entire family eats an Italian feast, and plans to teach the gang some Italian. There's a lot of fried foods and sweets. How do you say "diabetes" in Italian?

Snooki's packed about 47 bags, each full of pickles or other members of her pygmy tribe or something. The boys all sleep in Vinny's living room. I think Sitch is the big spoon. Then, everyone leaves for Italy...via Newark, formerly known as the murder capital of New Jersey. You know, one wrong turn and a lot of problems would seriously, seriously be solved. And then the plane takes off. Which is the oddly anticlimactic part. WAIT! LAYOVER IN MADRID! The boys end up in Spain, the girls in Germany. Snooki tells us they're in Dawdledwarf, which is officially her Lord of the Rings name now. We really don't dwell on that--off to Italy! The girls are in Milan, and I think Snooki is wearing a prom dress in her hair or something. Snooki goes on a hunt for pesos, and JWOWW's bronzer explodes all over their luggage. Never fear--she has eight more. I swear to god, this season is going to end up looking like "The Cosby Show." Think about it. Deena falls on her face, and there's an an avalanche of luggage, and then we're off to Florence...where the boys have directly landed. Sitch has eleven pieces of luggage. Ten for his t-shirts and one...well, I don't know what goes in 11.

Cut to the girls stuck in traffic. Snooki threatens to cry. Nothing comes out of her eyes, on account of her tear ducts being plum-stuffed with cocoa butter. Yawn. The boys get to the house first--it's ridiculous, with lots of room, but sort of decorated in poor taste. Like, you know that one crazy aunt you've got that puts statues everywhere on her lawn and puts plastic on velour furniture? It's like they let her open a brothel, and these kids are living in it. The boys find a bidet--google it. I'm not going there. The girls then arrive; hugs everywhere, and Deena's cradling a big green stuffed animal like it's her lovechild. I'm surprised it cleared customs. Sammi looks at Ron and it's like HELLO PENIS! and we all know where this is going to go.

All of Snooki's 312 bags have to get dragged upstairs, and Snooki makes us aware that everyone now smells like King Kong's Ass****. Ah, the wistful nostalgia for the smells of home. Everyone sucks down some limoncello, and then I guess it's club time. Oh goody. Here we go. Snooki asks if JWOWW's boobs got bigger. No. They did not "get" bigger. They got swapped out for bigger models. JWOWW's implanted two silicon models of the Parthenon on her chest, in honor of this trip. Then, it's Pauly D versus the foreign electrical outlets in order to operate his hair dryer. and I really hope he's going to fry himself, but he's actually a master electrician. Never get between Pauly D and things that blow.† Off to town--Sammi spots a naked statue and is all "it looks like a metro(sexual!)" Oh, please, someone hump a statue. I was joking before, but if it actually might happen, please someone make it happen.

Back at the house, Sitch tells all of us that Snooki's gonna cheat. Deena hypothesizes that he wants to sneak a little Snooki. SNOOKI IS ALSO WEARING FURRY BOOTS! Oh, I love gnome couture. Ronnie drinks alone and shirtless. Snooki tells Sammi that they're gonna bang; Sammi is all *shrug.* Pauly D has a bike horn--I really hope this is this season's duck phone! He honks it at a sleeping Vinny, and Vinny smiles and shoots his pal a come-hither grin. Pauly asks the girls if they can drive stick and Snooki is like YEAH! but then Pauly's all "...on a car." And she's all "...oh." See what I did there?

Then everyone crams into a two teeny li'l vehicles and it's like a deep-fried clown car and Snooki nearly commits vehicular homicide 267 times. A guy on a vespa yells at the boys. The girls go shopping. Snooki is wearing a gigantic white flower on her head. Maybe it's a normal flower, because, y'know. Girl's a smurf. Then the girls get attacked by pigeons and everyone dies of rabies. Maybe not that last part. The boys are at the gym for the first time this season. We meet Luigi, their trainer, the "guido Mr, Myagi." He teaches the boys to use whips and I'm pretty sure this is actually some sort of fetish-giggolo-training center, which would totally beat working in a t-shirt shop. Back at the house, Snooki is thrusting her pelvis at the sky, meaning that Snooks is in heat. Must be a Thursday.

Deena tells us that this night, she's going "full blown." Oh good lord. JWOWW's hair straightener breaks and it's pretty much the end of the world. All four of the girls share one, and then it explodes, and maybe Deena catches fire. Or maybe her hair just melts off. She's single, boys. Sitch gossips with Ronnie on the rooftop. He whispers in Ronnie's ear that Sitch and Snooki...hooked up. Sitch also looks like he's scalped Prince, and is wearing the hair as a trophy on his noggin. Sitch may have feelings for Snooks...nope, that's not feelings. Just the normal gonorrhea.

Vinny orders a cab, and we're off to the clubs! Sitch is down to FTD, which I think means he's gonna order flowers. He puts on some concealer, and Pauly D does some Italian impressions and causes an Italian incident, and we're off to the club, which is on fire and there are women dancing in floral bikinis. So, that's fun. Snooki and Sitch start circling one another, and then he make lick her face, and Ronnie says "this isn't cool," which is all POT! KETTLE! BLACK!

Some Italian girl asks Pauly D if he "a-like-a da boobs." Then, there's some making out BETWEEN PAULY AND DEENA, and everyone's like WHAAAAT!, and it's so random and WTF that it makes me want to curl up in the shower and cry for an hour. So, that's episode one, lovelies. I'll see you next week for more of the same, and Snooki is apparently wearing a festive assortment of Pocahontas headbands. So, we have that to look forward to.

See you in seven!
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