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Yo, Mack. Kick it one time, boy. Yo, VIP. Let’s kick it. Stop collaborate and listen. Mack is back with a brand new weekly edition. If there’s a grammatical error, yo, I’ll solve it. Now, check out this intro while my editor approves it.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a hell of a week. Santa (1) came and visited my household, dolling out Christmas cheer and accidentally leaving one of his Lipitors next to an empty plate of chocolate chunk cookies on my kitchen table. My beloved Chicago Blackhawks have won four straight, and I couldn’t be in a better mood. Now, it’s time to tarnish those good vibes by digging up all the heinous stories of Rock N Roll excess from the last week.
For those of you new to this editorial rant, the basic premise is simple: I wax poetic about all the newsworthy music-related events of the last week and count in parenthesis each celebrity I reference. By the article’s climax, I hope to achieve my goal of fifty obscure, unnecessary name drops. Got it? Okay, than like Kurt Cobain’s (2) shotgun, I’m off.
MTV is producing a made for TV musical entitled The American Mall. This shit-fest will follow a teenage girl’s desperate attempts to save her mother’s record store, located in, you guessed it, a mall. A part-time rock star, part-time janitor will also be somehow involved. Some of you may remember Offspring guitarist Kevin ‘Noodles’ Wasserman (3) worked as a janitor before the band’s big break. In real life, I doubt this mall custodian would have the same luck, but than again, I never would have guessed Noodles would be stabbed for protesting nuclear war.
Jay-Z (4) has quit his job at Def-Jam records. I wouldn’t expect the “99 Problems” singer to blow his multi-million dollar fortune on baggy pants a la M.C. Hammer (5) anytime soon, but the job loss does place him among the estimated 6.8 million unemployed Americans. No word on whether that figure includes ex-Yankees executive George Costanza (6) or Clarissa Explains It All brother Jared Zimbler (7) who may or may not have been jailed for matching the description of every Irish soccer hooligan who ever existed.
Thom Yorke (8) and his Radiohead brethren are recording a special New Year’s Eve webcast. They will perform their entire In Rainbows album. I wonder how their creepy loner fans feel about this cutting into their normal Monday schedule of eating tofu burgers, arguing about lost Joss Whedon (9) Buffy: The Vampire Slayer episodes, and reading Stephen Chbosky’s (10) Perks Of Being A Wallflower for the thousandth time.
Jane’s Addiction bassist Eric Avery (11) is releasing a solo album. It will reportedly feature collaborations with Flea (12) and Garbage vocalist Shirley Manson (13). A few years back, Avery auditioned for the vacant slot in Metallica, but he eventually lost out to Rob Trujillo (14), the scariest man I have ever seen. Check back after the disc is released on April 8th for a full report on each of the eight buyers who bothered to purchase it.
The new castrated Smashing Pumpkins line-up will release American Gothic exclusively on iTunes January 2nd. Great. Billy Corgan (15) is about as relevant today as fellow bald-headed lead singer Richard Fairbrass (16) of Right Said Fred. This paragraph is already too sexy; so, I’m moving on.
Spice Girl Mel B. (17) lost a gold bracelet after it flew off during a recent concert. The singer was relieved when a good-hearted fan turned the jewelry into security. In a related story, Posh Spice (18) wipes her ass with thousand dollar bills. Laugh if you want, but she still gets to fuck David Beckham (19) every night and you don’t.
In a tribute to former WWE World Champion ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin (20), The Police opened up a can of whoop ass on all those challenging for the year’s top grossing tour. Sting (21) and friends almost doubled the measly output of runner-up Kenny Chesney (22) with a total gross of over one hundred thirty million dollars. In a related story, Posh Spice wipes her ass with thousand dollar bills.
Former/current/who the hell knows lead singer of Led Zeppelin Robert Plant (23) has won the Beard Liberation Front’s Beard of the Year award. What the hell? No love for Cinema Blend Editor N Chief Josh Tyler (24)? Little known fact: Salt (25) N Peppa’s (26) hit “Push It” was actually inspired by my boss, the Head Honcho himself. Or maybe it wasn’t. How the hell should I know?
Former Rogue Wave bassist Evan Farrell (27) has died in a fire. I’m sure he’s real amused to have gone out like Gilbert Grape’s (28) mother. On the other hand, Joan of Arc (29) also fell into a fiery grave, and she was a sexy bitch. Maybe. I haven’t really seen any pictures of her.
VH1 premiered its highly anticipated 100 Greatest Songs of the 90s this week. No surprise, the list sucked more than Heidi Fleiss (30) after a few Martinis. Who the hell put this abomination together anyway? I bet it was former hearing-impaired Miss America champion Heather Whitestone McCallum (31). I’m sure Sophie B. Hawkins’ (32) “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” sounds just as good to her as Richard Ashcroft’s (33) “Bittersweet Symphony.” Than again, I’ve never heard any Verve lyrics as raunchy as “come inside my Jungle Book”; so, maybe they were right.
Former Velvet Underground frontman and noted weirdo Lou Reed (34) has been announced as SXSW’s keynote speaker. The Austin-based festival has grown into one of the largest events of the musical year, and it’s nice to see the pioneer get some of the credit he deserves. Reed’s fellow Underground member Nico’s (35) demise actually makes Evan Farrell’s recent death seem sensible. She died in a bicycling accident. Watch out, Lance Armstrong (36).
Kenny G (37) signed a deal with Starbucks’ Records to release a CD early next year. It’s set to come out a week before Valentine’s Day. I’m sure Cupid (38) is elated. I hate Kenny G. Not because he’s a bad musician but because he’s a better golfer than I am. How the hell does someone have time to sell millions of albums and become a scratch golfer? Sicko. Reportedly, he carries a one handicap, three strokes lower than the humble author of this column. Asshole.
What You Should Expect Over The Next Week:: No more 12 Days Of Christmas articles. It was lovely while it lasted, but I’m done with Bing Crosby (39) and Brenda Lee (40) for at least eleven months. Music Blend is also proud to bring you another article in our Top 5 series. You’ll be able to check that one out on Tuesday or Wednesday. Odds are you will also get at least two more Amy Winehouse (41) is a gap-toothed mess pieces. I apologize in advance.
What I’ve Been Listening To: I’ve listened to “Rockafeller Skank” by Fatboy Slim (42) at least ten times in the last two days. For some reason, I totally forgot he existed for about five years. I’ve also watched the Spike Jonze (43) video for “Praise You” at least three times. It’s still a classic. Neil Diamond (44) has also popped up on my iPod pretty frequently the last week. I’ll never get sick of “Coming to America.”
What’s Playing At This Exact Moment: Tim Buckley’s (45) “Song To The Siren.”
To quote Mel Blanc’s (46) tombstone, “That’s all folks.” I’ll be back with more sordid mischief next week. I’m off to fantasize about Lisa Loeb (47) and her sexy librarian glasses in the video for “Stay.”
For this week’s YouTube clip, I’m going to go with Gary Numan’s (48) futuristic video for “Cars.” The whole thing looks like it was shot in a parallel universe invented by Isaac Asimov (49). Plus, Numan has on enough eye makeup to put Pete Wentz (50) to shame. Something about that makes me happy.
Music Blend Editor Mack Rawden can be reached at mackrawden(at)cinemablend(dot)com.
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