This one goes out to the one I love. This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind. A simple prop to occupy my time. This one goes out to the one I love.

I hope you all had a safe, drunk-driving free New Years. Unfortunately, I feel victim to one of the classic blunders. No, I didn’t get involved in a land war in Asia or face a Sicilian with death on the line, but I did chase tequila shots with multiple glasses of twelve-dollar-a-bottle Merlot. I don’t even think Hunter S. Thompson (1) would have downed that poison cocktail.

Most of you probably know what you’re in for with this column, but I’ll give a brief overview for any new readers. Basically, I’m going to frisk and strip search all the biggest music-related stories from the past week. By the article’s money shot, I’ll have reached fifty obscure associations, all noted in parenthesis. Are you ready? Than like Amelia Earthart’s (2) radio, I’m out!

Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine (3) was informed his body was being attacked by over fifty parasites. He blamed the amoeba-infestation on the riggers of touring, but I’m pretty sure he just slept with some vile hood rats while on the road. Maybe he should be quarantined along with everyone who has AIDS. Right, Mike Huckabee (4)?

Busty, untalented blonde Jessica Simpson (5) is set to release a country album. I’m all about cheeky pop music (I just played Mandy Moore’s (6) “Candy” like five minutes ago), but Jessica Simpson fucking sucks. She’s an untalented disgrace to late 90s teenage, pre-packaged pop. Let’s hope this genre hoping goes better than Gene Simmons’ (7) attempt at Disco, though I can almost guarantee this abortion will make Dynasty sound like Abbey Road.

A random roadie has claimed Rock gods Led Zeppelin might tour, after all. That’s not all, though. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters leader Dave Grohl (8) might even be taking up drumming duties from 2nd generation Zep member Jason Bonham (9). And why not? He frequently supports Jack Black (10) and Kyle Gass (11) at Tenacious D gigs. Word to the wise: don’t get too excited about this reunion. We all know Jimmy Page (12) will eventually make a condescending remark about John Paul Jones (13) being Zeppelin’s Tito(14), and he’ll storm off in a dramatic huff. It happens about once every five years.

Teeny-bopper fans have been in an uproar this week over a little girl’s fake my daddy died in Iraq essay. The adolescent wrote the piece, with her mom’s help, in an attempt to win Hannah Montana (15) tickets, but she was eventually hoisted by her own petard when organizers you know, fact checked. What a little six year old bitch! In a related story, I had to go to confession after I caught Miley Cyrus’ New Years Eve performance. My ass that girl is fifteen. She probably already gets Botox.

Jesus (16) fan Sufjan Stevens (17) appeared with a few notable authors earlier this week in a forum celebrating literature and music, specifically their convergence illustrated in bands like Radiohead and Arcade Fire. I was a little surprised LFO frontman Rich Cronin (18) wasn’t invited. After all, his lyric “When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet/ Billy Shakespeare (19) wrote a whole bunch of sonnets” inspired me to start book learnin’.

Speaking of Radiohead, angry pretentious Thom Yorke (20) fans shit a brick after I penned an essay entitled Rant: Radiohead Is Distorted Garbage. Apparently, slandering his good name is a vicious crime, the heinous equivalent of which hasn’t been seen since Albert Fish (21) ate Hansel (22) and Gretel (23). Newsflash: “Karma Police” is still a recorded cockblock of dumb noise, and I’ll still take Barenaked Ladies over that any day.

Beck (24), I’m not that Hanson, Hansen has decided to re-release his brilliant 1996 album Odelay. I’ve cherished that disc for years. Who knew the guy who wrote “Loser” would end up being so brilliant? Scary old man Rip Torn (25) once referred to Beck as a “hillbilly from outer space.” Yeah, that’s about right.

The vastly underrated OK Go are writing songs for an upcoming studio album. I know they’re probably sick of every writer in the world bringing up the treadmill video, but it’s still so awesome. I feel like I should forward them twenty bucks on PayPal for bringing me so much joy. It actually makes exercise look fun. That’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. Richard Simmons (26), that putz, should take notes.

Britney Spears (27) reclaimed the most unstable bitch crown from Amy Winehouse (28) the other night. She held her own son hostage in an attempt to ward off police. I wonder if she fed him Baby Ruths. Has anyone else noticed one of her kids actually does look like a miniaturized version of Sloth (29)? Scary. Brit Brit needs to buy Dorothy Parker’s (30) biography. She was a trainwreck too, but at least she knew how to hold her booze.

The Foo Fighters are looking for three lucky string, woodwind, or brass players to join them on stage. Unfortunately, fans will be voting for the winners. If I’ve learned anything from my years of studying pop culture, it’s never to let America select anything. Ruben Studdard (31)? James Buchanan (32)? That creepy emo/goth kid from the first season of MTV’s Wanna Be A VJ? His defeat of Dave Holmes (33) still ranks as one of the greatest slaps in the face to conventional wisdom in modern history.

The Super Bowl is quickly approaching and Stoner Rock mainstay Tom Petty (34) is set to perform. He’ll follow in the glorious footsteps of previous performers like Brian Boitano (35), Chubby Checker (36), and Travis Tritt (37). Leave it to the Super Bowl to always put forth an underwhelming halftime show. Nothing against Tom Petty, but the NFL could reanimate the corpse of John Lennon (38), and it would still suck more than the Altamont Free Concert where a fan was beaten to death by the Hells Angels as Mick Jagger (39) crooned “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” in the background.

Rock legend Stephen Stills (40) underwent surgery for prostate cancer on Friday. Most people remember the guitar player for his collaborations with David Crosby (41) and Graham Nash (42), but arguably, his greatest contribution to music was the beautiful 1967 hit “For What It’s Worth”, found in almost every movie ever released about Vietnam.

What You Should Expect Over The Next Week: A ton of news for the New Year and a few more scathing rants. I’d also like to meet, interview, and possibly seduce my dream girl Vanessa Carlton (43), but I won’t hold out too much hope for that one.

What I’ve Been Listening To: Joni Mitchell’s (44) “Big Yellow Taxi.” Sorry, Adam Duritz (45), but your cover just doesn’t compare. I’ve also played Men At Work’s “Down Under” more than a couple times. If God existed and had a voice, he’d sound like Colin Hay (46). P.S. No, I don’t want any damn vegimite sandwiches.

What’s On At This Very Moment: Nena’s (47) “99 Luftballons.” I’m still attracted to her, even though she has hairy armpits. Does that make me a bad person?

That’s it, loyal readers. I’m off to argue about who was hotter: Kelly Kapowski (48) or Topanga Matthews (49). Note: this debate only applies to late high school. Topanga was one frumpy bitch during her freshman and sophomore years.

This week’s YouTube video is from Romy And Michelle’s High School Reunion, one of my favorite movies ever. The two protagonists do an interpretive dance to Cyndi Lauper’s (50) “Time After Time.”

Music Editor Mack Rawden can always be reached at MackRawden(at)Cinemablend(dot)com.

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