Dude, what should we name our band?
I don’t know, but it needs to be at least three words and contain some punctuation marks.
Good call, bro! What about ‘Does It Offend You, Yeah?’
Oh, that’s badass!

What the fuck, bands of my generation? What the fuck? Popular musical nomenclature has gone from goofy to god awful, and worst of all, no one seems to be noticing. Well, I’m putting my foot down. I’m sick and tired of full sentence band names. It’s not cheeky, it’s not creative. It’s cumbersome, cumbersome and dumb.

Remember the good old days? That ancient period of blissful monikers where we rocked out to pseudonyms like Styx, Twisted Sister, and Poison. Wasn’t that fun? Call me crazy, but I actually, enjoyed band names that couldn’t be easily converted into Haikus. Free: now, that was an alias. One syllable. That’s all they needed. But nowadays, they’d be jailed for excessive clarity, taken in for too thorough an abridgement.

Do you really want to support a group of guys who chose to name themselves ...And You’ll Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead? What about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah? When a DJ says, “This next song is by From Autumn To Ashes’, do you think, “Hey, I could get on board with that?” I certainly don’t. In fact, I mentally curse everyone involved and change the station. It’s what common sense would want.

I’m certainly not implying previous generations didn’t have their own douche bag band names, but those groups were called out for their idiotic phraseology at every turn. Even Strawberry Alarm Clock, a poorly christened 60s band, described an object. It wasn’t an idiotic statement. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Boys Like Girls and Give Up The Ghost.

I’m certainly not advocating !!! switching to a pronounceable moniker or From First To Last donning a new, non-prepositional phrase title. This rant is geared towards the next generation of bands, the middle schoolers and high schoolers taking their first guitar lesson. Put some thought into your band name, and for God’s sake, pick one that doesn’t sound like it was stolen from William Carlos Williams’ The Red Wheelbarrow.

Here’s a short list of band names I came up with that no one should ever use. Notice how none of them are as ridiculous as Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

By The Transient Property
Honk If You Like Noise
A Confederacy Of Badonkadonk
Robot Fellatio
Queefer Sutherland
Bros Before Clothes
Princess Dyed In A Car Crash
Holla Back Goiter
Balderdash For The Border
Khufu And The Looted Korpses
Box And Whiskey Graph
Apple Juice Or Hard Genocider?
Once, Twice, Three Times Alladin
Alfred Lord Tendenitis
Blackbeard’s Beard
The Apathetic Extension Cords
Faint Curry Smell
Maya AngeLou Diamond Phillips
Light-Skinned Black Guys And The Societal Benefits
John Wayne Macy’s Day Parade
Laguna Beached Whale
What Do You Mean You’re Late?
Jesus And The Jack-A-Lopes
Topanga Got Fat
The General Malaise

That was actually fun. Post any goofy band names you come up with below.

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