I finally figured out how I’m gonna get my record deal. I’ll ink a teardrop under my left eye and throw on an orange jumpsuit. Then, I’ll storm right into L.A. Reid’s office and tell him I just broke out of San Quentin because I just finished penning my album and wanted him to hear it first. After singing in a capella about life behind bars and looking, no staring straight out my tiny window at the stars, I’ll tell him how I robbed seven banks in thirteen minutes and only got caught because the cop car I stole ran out of gas right before I was gonna plow across the border. Don’t believe me? Hey, it worked for Akon.

According to TheSmokingGun.comAkon, balladeer of such classics as “Smack That” and “I Wanna Love You” who has made a career out of publicizing his criminal past, grossly embellished the details of his incarceration.

To quote RollingStone.com,Akon claimed he was “ “once the kingpin of a car theft operation and that he spent four-and-a-half years in the prison after being ratted out..” Turns out the soul survivor only spent a few months in a Georgia prison…because he was pulled over driving a BMW someone else stole! Dumbass got caught for someone else’s crime! And that song of his, “Locked Up”, the one he said he wrote in prison, no sir, my guess is he wrote it while sitting in traffic or stuck in an elevator.

So, all of you aspiring artists, fuck going on American Idol or playing in train stations hoping to get noticed, just figure out a way to turn those unpaid parking tickets into a stint in Folsom for torching a Starbucks or pistol-whipping a hobo. Then, call Clive Davis and you’re on your way. Just don’t get caught like idiot Akon.

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