Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you

A few months back, I was at a party, and two drunk alpha males got into an argument over a girl. Trick Daddy’s “Let’s Go” was blasting over the speakers, and they started exchanging right hands. Uppercuts were uncorked and insults flew across the room for a few minutes before the combatants gave up and made peace. Then some douche bag screamed, “Everyone relax,” and turned on “The Space Between” by Dave Matthews Band. Soon, the brouhaha was a thing of the past and everyone was smiling. Well, everyone except me. I’m sick and tired of fucking amusical idiots lauding Dave Matthews and elevating him atop the apex of some imaginary good moods mountain. His music is fucking sad. It’s ghoulish and even a bit macabre. It’s a lot of things, none of which should be common ground for dissenting personalities to hug it out over.

I kind of like Dave Matthews Band. They do their own thing, on their own terms, and I respect that. Sometimes they hover a little too closely to jam band territory for my pop-sensible taste, but I endorse their right to continue making music. Unfortunately, I despise them more and more on a daily basis. Not because of anything they’ve done to me personally but because of how vapid and illogical their fan base is. Like a cancerous spider web, the Dave Matthews mystique attracts vile, loathsome parasites whose mere existence causes me to question the point of getting up every morning.

The frat boy, the cheerleader, the goth chick, the nerd, the dweeb, the team whore, the girl next door, the pothead, they have all found an escape in Dave’s music. Whenever life becomes too much, whenever their standard go-to bands become tedious, they all run to Mr. Matthews, suckling at his singer-songwriter tet, because as most of them would tell you, “he’s just, like, so chill.”

How in the hell everyone got together and elected that misnomer of an adjective to describe Dave’s music is beyond me, but I can tell you it must have been some horrid case of group think because chill is definitely not the right place to start. Dave Matthews is creepy. He sounds like a stalker, and his I-just-killed-and-desecrated-the-corpse-of-a-drifter-eyes don’t help his cause. Maybe that’s what “Gravedigger” is about, but honestly, has anyone ever listened to “Crash Into Me?” The lyrics, I mean. They read like a fanmail correspondence between Mark David Chapman and that shifty-eyed psycho who murdered Rebecca Schaeffer.

So, if it’s not relaxing, why else might people listen to Dave Matthews Band? Many superficial, ignorant fans cite their “amazing musical proficiency”, another baseless reason that could be nicely described as off-base. The quintet of Charlotte musicians are pretty talented, but most of their more popular songs aren’t exactly complex, solo-filled compositions. I highly doubt members of Dream Theater would have trouble keeping up with “Where Are You Going”, but Dave Matthews and crew might struggle if the situation was reversed.

So, if it’s not musically brilliant, why do people actually listen to Dave Matthews Band? Because they’re fucking sheep. At some point, one dude decided he liked what he was hearing. Naturally, his girlfriend got on board, and she told two friends. They in turn converted two friends, and this bullshit game of Chinese telephone engulfed the entire world. So, now everyone thinks they have to like Dave Matthews Band, without even the slightest clue as to why.

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