Latest Rant Stories

Rant: Stop Defending Chris Brown

Following Chris Brown's assault on Rihanna, the immediate question on the media's mind was, "How is he going to bounce back?" Rumors began flying to justify that this was somehow Rihanna's fault, with people going as far as saying, "She had it coming to her." Are you fucking kidding me?

Rant: When Did The World Get So Unoriginal?

So, I’m guzzling SoCo and lime shots at a local bar on Saturday when the deejay, a complete bozo and an Abercrombie polo, announces he’ll be taking requests. Goddamnit, I say to no one in particular, grimacing as I realize the free Democratic vote has given us James Buchanan, Taylor Hicks, and laws against medical marijuana

Rant: M.I.A.’s Paper Planes Is Like Crack

Someone call a priest! Or a faith healer. Or that faux-sage who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart. And get me the number for Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of those tube necklaces that glow. I’m in deep, man. Balls deep. Loss of control, loss of appetite, loss of direction. I need a fix--just one little toke

Rant: Unplugged Is Underrated

AM is not the same as FM is not the same as mp3 is not the same as mp4 is not the same as CD is not the same as vinyl is not the same as live. It’s never just music

Rant: Why Do People Love Sublime?

Will someone please explain to me any of the following: A) Why everyone who likes Sublime assumes they’re the only person in a thirty mile radius who has ever heard of the band? B) Why Sublime is treated like auditory Valium? C) Why they inspire such reverence when they’re just a poor man’s Sugar Ray?

Rant: Yeah, I Like Christian Music, So What?

The choruses are repeated way too many times, and millions of a-melodic fools assume they can just belt out their off-key renditions at full volume because Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, apparently doesn’t hear pitch problems. Oh yeah, and it’s also absolutely perfect because of all the aforementioned reasons

Rant: Crappy Band Names Trump Indie Appeal

“I like One-Inch Punch, can I still have it?” our hero might have asked the indie-rock landlords. “No,” they would have said. “Choose something else.” Desperate, our hero would have scoured the landscape, finally being forced to settle on an overly dramatic and entirely cantankerous shack of a name, She Wants Revenge

Rant: Think You're Down With Daft Punk?

I’m tired of something so incendiary being played off as a commonplace trend. Maybe it’s great that Daft Punk’s music is again finding its way into everyone’s repertoire; but, it doesn’t feel fucking great. It feels like Cinderella was allowed to dress up, go to the ball, and even lose her glass slipper—all in order for the shoe to fit her ugly stepsister instead

Rant: Overdosing Is Not A Tragedy

The annals of Rock N Roll lore are filled with hundreds of talented and tortured souls. Some of them fought through the pain, some of them took the easy way out. I’m sick and fucking tired of lauding the quitters. There’s nothing poetic about dying in some godforsaken shack after systematically distancing yourself from everyone who cares

Rant: Radiohead Allows Fan Remix, NIN Does It Better

As far as I know, NIN is the only major band that has made available this many free broken-down versions of songs for fans to play with on their own. So on Tuesday, when I received an email from the Radiohead newsletter about fans being able to remix “Nude” I thought it was an April Fool’s joke, though not as good as the text that morning about Britney Spears committing suicide

Rant: Universal Now Censoring Music

As the son of two God-fearing parents currently residing in the Bible Belt, I’d like to personally thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s rare, especially in this heathen reincarnation of Sodom we currently reside in, that companies are willing to take firm action against the plague of pestilence and immorality engulfing this formerly great nation, founded by Puritans and Quakers

Rant: Hands Off The Song, You Hipster Douche

I’m hearing a song I recognize, no, a song I love. This is supposed to be Joy Division’s “Shadowplay,” but it is all wrong – the guitar is jangly and happy, the drums sound like fucking She Wants Revenge, the singing is nice, perfectly in key and so, so tepid. It is evidently some hipster-pop candy band inflicting their perverted interpretation of a classically awesome song on me, and I am not happy

Rant: I Hate You, Dave Matthews Band Fan

He sounds like a stalker, and his I-just-killed-and-desecrated-the-corpse-of-a-drifter-eyes don’t help his cause. Maybe that’s what “Gravedigger” is about, but honestly, has anyone ever listened to “Crash Into Me?” The lyrics, I mean. They read like a fanmail correspondence between Mark David Chapman and that shifty-eyed psycho who murdered Rebecca Schaeffer

Rant: American Idol Has Society By The Balls

Alright America, think you have the crass and guile to make an unbiased decision concerning the raw, undiscovered talent that could soon be singing from your mp3 players? Now, to the meaty, informed portion of this avant-garde rant. Well, hate to break it to you, but sometimes they’re pimping out ex-hoes

Rant: Gene Simmons Continues To Suck At Life

I’m just going to the go for it, balls deep, if it were possible, and say Gene Simmons is a misinformed, ridiculous bastard whose head is so far stuck up his own ass that I’m fairly certain the last time he saw the light of day was around the same time the Vikings won a Super Bowl…oh wait

Rant: Politics Should Stay Out Of Music

Politics has influenced music since Yankee Doodle first put a feather in his hat, but I see it fairing much better without it. Music is often an escape mechanism away from the human slaughtering and international thievery that graces us at every other medium we turn to, so why not just leave it be. Politics belongs in a cage while music should roam free

Rant: Coachella '08 Blows

I'm listening to Portishead right now on MySpace, a song called “key bored”, and nothing could be further from the truth. I can smell the LSD all over the field already. As for Jack Johnson, well, maybe once he stops playing the same song over and over again I'll give him a second chance. Death Cab? I don’t know how many 15-year-old kids they want running around the sands of Indio. And I really hope the Raconteurs’ second album is better than their first, because people might start to get bored after they play “Steady As She Goes”.

Rant: Wilco Is So Easy A Caveman Could Get It

I realized that it was Wilco’s lyrics that had sucked me in, not so long before. Not because I thought Jeff Tweedy’s lyrics were overly well written—in fact, they’re frequently a wad of drivel—but because they are filled with basic imagery that anyone could relate to. They suck you in with universal concepts like love and nostalgic reminders of past times. It is these lyrics (coupled with an inert anger that Yankee Hotel Foxtrot could make people feel special without being overly special), upon closer inspection, that became why I, not so subtly, but rather passionately, began to loathe Wilco

Rant: I Hate Your Band's Name

Remember the good old days? That ancient period of blissful monikers where we rocked out to pseudonyms like Styx, Twisted Sister, and Poison. Wasn’t that fun? Call me crazy, but I actually, enjoyed band names that couldn’t be easily converted into Haikus. Free: now, that was an alias. One syllable. That’s all they needed. But nowadays, they’d be jailed for excessive clarity, taken in for too thorough an abridgement

Rant: Why Britney Broke Down

At this point, following the chaotic clusterfuck that went down at her Hollywood mansion Thursday night, I can barely remember the real Britney. You know what I’m talking about – the unstoppable blonde bombshell who sashayed her way all over MTV less than decade ago. She’s still there, even if just nestled between my LCD Soundsystem LP’s and Billy Joel’s entire discography. But, is it possible for her to once again become more than just a wild mane of raggedy hair extensions flailing all over Southern California?

Rant Stories 1 to 20 of 35

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