SPOILER WARNING: The following article contains absolutely massive spoilers for Deadpool. If you haven't seen the film yet, and don't wish to have any parts of the movie ruined, we recommend clicking away to another one of our wonderful articles.
From its opening credits to its very special Ferris Bueller's Day Off riff at the end, director Tim Miller's Deadpool is easily one of the funniest comic book movies that we've seen to date. And while a great deal of that comes from the physical humor on display, most of the credit belongs to the dialogue. From the script by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, to improv done by the movie's stars, the blockbuster is absolutely jam-packed with hilarious one-liners that have been causing audiences to practically fall out of their seats laughing.
Given how funny Deadpool is, we could have probably just put the entire script up here and called it an assembly of amazingly funny lines, but instead we've plucked out the top 30 that really worked and made us chuckle hardily. Did your favorite quip/jab/joke make the list? Read on to find out!
"House blowing up builds character."
Cool as it may be,Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters has a bit of a rough past in the comics and movies -- regularly getting invaded and/or blown up. At least Colossus is able to keep a positive attitude about the whole thing, though.
"Bad Deadpool... Good Deadpool!"
Possessing only 12 bullets to take down a cadre of armed bad guys, managing to waste a few on a slippery motorcyclist is certainly not Deadpool's best moment in the movie, but the good news is that he makes up for that mistake fairly quickly with two deadly headshots.
"Whose kitty litter did I just shit in?"
Wade Wilson is exactly the kind of weirdo who would shit in a cat's litter box just to prove a point... but thanks to the awkward silence that follows the above line, we may never know exactly what went down in that back room before Wade came out to greet the pizza guy.
"Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf."
Deadpool eponymous protagonist certainly gets the best lines in the movie (as you'll discover continuing to read this piece), but Vanessa certainly get a few brilliant and hilarious moments of her own -- such as when she grabs Buck's nut sack after he slaps her ass.
No other superhero movie has a sex scene that can match the "Calendar Girl" sequence in Deadpool - but as great as every holiday celebration is, the crown has to go to the Wade and Vanessa's quick stint of abstinence in the middle of the montage.
I can't really explain why feeling up Colossus' chrome crotch makes Deadpool think of his father (and I don't ever want to know), but it certainly does make for an amazing start for the two characters' confrontation.
"This is my most prized possession..."
Given that this is a Deadpool movie, it was all but guaranteed that the film would take some serious shots at the awful version of the character in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Casting aside an action figure in favor of Wham!'s "Make It Big" was a perfect moment in this respect.
"Guy came in here looking for you. Real Grim Reaper-type. I don't know. Might further the plot."
Deadpool is the only character in Deadpool who can legitimately break the fourth wall, but Weasel does get his own bit of meta fun when he tells Wade to go over to check on "Mr. Smith."
"If I ever decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at Neverland Mansion with some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request."
There are many epic, insult-filled rants on which Deadpool finds himself going in the movie, but the Merc With The Mouth's comparison between Professor X and Marshall Applewhite make this the best one in the movie.
"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex."
From now on, this will be my go-to phrase after smashing both of my hands punching a giant metal mutant in the face.
"McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are confusing."
Given the way it completely ignores the way particular characters were developed in previous X-Men movies, it's only fitting that Deadpool would contain a perfect line about timeline generated-confusion... with a great reference to the recasting that happened with X-Men: First Class.
"Ever see 127 Hours?"
Because of his healing powers and general insanity, nobody in the Marvel Universe fights quite like Deadpool. So what does he do when he gets manacled to an X-Man trying to take him in? Of course he saws off his hand and leaves it flipping the bird.
"I want to die a natural death at the age of 102 - like the city of Detroit."
One can imagine fans up in Michigan taking a bit of issue with this particular line of dialogue, but that doesn't stop it from being a really great line. Plus, Deadpool is notably Canadian, so does seem right to have him take some pot shots at one of America's less put together cities.
"Please don't make the super suit green... or animated!"
Green Lantern gets a quick shout out in the Deadpool's opening sequence, but it feels like it's when entering The Workshop that Ryan Reynolds is legitimately able to air his grievances about his experience making live-action DC Comics movies. We're still trying wondering who thought it was a good idea to give the character a CGI costume.
"You have something in your teeth."
By the time we meet him in the story, Ajax definitely seems like a guy who regularly gets whatever he wants... but he certainly meets his match in Wade Wilson. He threatens that the mercenary will eventually get his sense of humor driven out of him, but the future Mr. Pool certainly finds every opportunity to drive him nuts.
"He got Ajax from the dish soap!"
It's never revealed in the comics why or how Francis wound up going by the name Ajax, but taking it from dish soap certainly seems like a hilariously appropriate answer to the query.
"You will die alone, if you could die - ideally, for others sake."
Weasel makes some ridiculously harsh comments about his best friend's fucked up face - from comments about avocados to Freddy Kruger -- but this one definitely takes the cake, suggesting that the deformed mercenary find some possibly way to die alone for the benefit of mankind.
"Captain Deadpool! No, just Deadpool."
Most costumed vigilantes don't have the opportunity to name themselves -- more often relying on the media to do that job -- but Wade Wilson very nearly blows it before figuring out his perfect moniker. Captain Deadpool just doesn't have the same zing.
"Fourth wall break inside of a fourth wall break? That's like... 16 walls!"
This line just got me thinking: exactly how deep can you take these fourth-wall breaks? Perhaps Deadpool 2 will be an Inception-esque investigation into exactly how far it can be taken.
"You're about to be killed by a Zamboni."
Admittedly this one is on the same glorious level as "Tell me where your boss is or you're going to die... in five minutes," so just take your pick from this particularly fantastic sequence.
"I bet it feels huge in this hand."
There are a good number of silly-but-great masturbation jokes in Deadpool, but this one takes the top spot if not just for the way Wade uses his baby hand to play with Blind Al's chin.
"Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II."
Admittedly this line could have been slightly better -- made to take a shot at another not-so-great Ryan Reynolds comic book movie in Blade Trinity - but credit where credit is due, this is a perfect tear-down when Ajax and Angel Dust are exiting St. Margaret's.
"Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment -- right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck."
Given that she is technically his permanent hostage, the relationship between Deadpool and Blind Al is a fascinating one, and their bizarre dynamic is perfectly summed up in their last interaction in the film.
"It's a Big house. It's weird I only ever see two of you. Almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man."
It's kind of a shame that Deadpool is the film that breaks the X-Men franchise streak of having Wolverine in every feature, but the fact that it means we get this hilarious line kind of makes it worth it.
"Superhero landing! She's going to do a superhero landing!"
From Spider-Man to Iron Man to Superman, every hero loves to fall into the classic three-point pose, and Angel Dust is yet another character to exercise the trope -- much to Deadpool's excitement, of course.
"When I'm finished parts will have to grow back you."
Ajax is far from the funniest character in Deadpool, but like the titular anti-hero points out in a quick fourth wall break, this actually is a pretty great line.
"You were droning on!"
Colossus deserves a lot of credit for his patience. Most characters think of Deadpool as a lost cause, but he still believes Wade Wilson can be a real hero. Unfortunately for him, DP keeps proving just how wrong Colossus really is.
"You live in a house?"
Given that Deadpool left Vanessa for a very long time, there was never a guarantee that she would take him back at story's end. When her big take-away from Wade's tale about living in a crack house is revealed, however, you instantly realize that they're definitely destined to be together.
"After a brief adjustment period, and a couple of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on."
A great deal of Deadpool's story ultimately hinges on how Vanessa is going to react when she finally sees Wade's scarred and disfigured face... but the good news is that she responds in the exact way a fucked up puzzle piece should.
"You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson showing up in an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go!"
Taking a shot at Marvel Studios while also perfectly recreating one of the best moments from one of the best fourth wall-breaking films of all time? Quite the perfect send-off.