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Dear Mr. Abrams,

By this time, you’ve undoubtedly read my boss’ open letter published almost three hours ago. You’ve seen the pain and heartbreak that your casual indifference to Trekkies is causing, and you may have even reconsidered the surreptitious nature of your earlier plans. Or you may have discarded the thoughtful fanboy words of my editor, cast him aside like the aged, irrelevant nerd he so obviously is. While I certainly wouldn’t blame you for this guillotine, I have to strongly advise against further distancing yourself from both my head honcho and his army of social security nearing mid life crises.

Whether you’d like to admit it or not, Star Trek will never be cool. Like Xena: Warrior Princess or Magic The Gathering, the fanbase will always be dominated by kids picked last in dodgeball and undesirables still living at home. The nerd stench has soaked into the very fabric and essence of the long-running series. You can attempt to scrub and update all you want, the pungent aroma will still linger. Long before George Takei came out, the name Sulu was already inexplicably linked with jeers like “homo” and “faggot.” Of course, these insults had nothing to do with sexual preference, we, cool kids, just use the slanders to distance ourselves from this nerd behavior.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t bother appealing to us, J.J. No one at the top lunch table is planning on paying to see this geeky Valhala. Appeal to your real fans. Advertise on the Sci Fi Network. Hang up movie posters in the nurse’s office. Spread the word through the Honors science classes. Embrace what you are: dweeb whacking material.

I’ll proudly stand up and say I’ve never seen a Star Trek film. Sure, I’d probably embrace Wrath Of Khan if I ever bothered to see it, but I won’t. There’s no convincing me. You might as well ask me to make out with a dude. It’s just not happening. You can blabber on about intriguing character arcs, hell, you could even show me a slew of Oscars, and I would still laugh about how pathetic the Voyager is.

Use your head, J.J. Go please your true fans because there’s no way you’re ever winning over the popular crowd.

Elitistly yours,
Mack Rawden

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