Alright folks, this is the spot where The Dark Knight sequel rumors officially get flat out stupid. The Daily Telegraph is running an almost certainly bogus story in which they claim Cher, that’s right Cher, is in negotiations to play the part of Catwoman in the sequel to The Dark Knight. They cite an anonymous studio executive as their source, who they say insists that Cher is Christopher Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman. Their exec justifies it this way: “The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry's purring creations.” You can say that again.

Let’s take a moment shall we, to break down the many ways in which this rumor is not only stupid but blatantly wrong. First, there’s Cher. She’s what, 127 years old by now? Wikipedia says she’s 62. 62. She’s grandma age. She should be playing Aunt Mae, not Catwoman. Don’t tell me about what fantastic shape she’s in, she’s 62, and has absolutely no business in a Catwoman suit. Granted, I suppose she can act, but absolutely no one will notice that because we’ll all be too busy dry-heaving when she walks on screen wearing tight leather. There’s nothing cool or interesting about that, I don’t care what angle they approach it from. For that matter, I wouldn’t want Michelle Pfeiffer playing Catwoman. Not now anyway, and she’s a good ten years younger than Cher. Cher? Really? Even in her younger days she looked like a transvestite hooker. I don’t care if she can turn back time, imagine what she must look like now.

Forget for a moment the absolute insanity of casting someone as old as Cher for a role like this. The fact is, the role doesn’t even exist. Last we heard there wasn’t even a script and Warners was still in the process of locking Chris Nolan up to direct the third one. Meanwhile his writers have already come out and said they aren’t interested in using Catwoman. Odds are Catwoman won’t even be in the third film, yet the Telegraph insists that not only is she in it, but she’s being played by the Hollywood equivalent of your grandmother. Right. Great reporting there Daily Telegraph. I’m fine with reporting whatever rumors run across your desk, but at least have the decency to couch your story as a rumor, because there’s no way this is even remotely credible. Somewhere out there, Chris Nolan is eating his Cheerios and having a good laugh. On a related note, Bea Arthur is currently in negotiations to co-star with Cher as Harley Quin and Christian Bale will be replaced as Batman by Burt Reynolds.

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