When you were a kid, did you ever sit in Sunday school and wonder, “What if Moses was a bad mutha and beat the ever living crap out of the jerk off Pharaoh? Yup, that’d be awesome. Our father, who art in Heaven…” Well wonder no more, Jesus freaks, because Peter Chernin over at 20th Century Fox is giving us just that.

Variety says that Fox is digging up Moses for a new trip to movie theaters. Remember The Ten Commandments? It's like that, except probably with more explosions. It's the 21st Century after all. It'll cover everything, from his birth and subsequent river trip, to his life in the house of Pharoah, to his rebellion and deliverance of the Hebrews from slavery.

The production is being pitched as the classic tale, but with a “300” vibe, AKA an AWESOME vibe. Everyone knows the story, but no one knows that Moses had washboard abs and often yelled loudly in slow motion all the time. What better way to promote Judaism than to have one of its figureheads burying spears in the chests of his enemies?

Adam Cooper and Bill Collage are at the pens following up their most recently turned in script for a re-imagining of Herman Melville’s classic “Moby Dick”, which Timur Bekmambetov will helm, bringing similar badassery to that tale as is being brought to the Bible. This of course begs the question: Who would win in a fight: Leonidas, Moses, or Captain Ahab? My vote is for Ahab, but time will soon tell.

As the least religious person you could ever hope to find, even I'm excited to see where this goes and what the American Church system will have to say about it. Will they be happy or will they give the movie a bunch of free promotion by protesting it? Either way, it’s going to be a shit show and I can’t wait for it to start.

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