I knew RZA was in this movie. I did not know—or even remotely suspect—he'd be playing a blind ninja master…with a possibly offensive accent.

The Joes need help, but who can they turn to? "There's a reason we call ourselves Joes." Here comes my man! Bruce Willis, your smirk is timeless. Let's forget A Good Day to Die Hard and never fight again, okay?

David Ehrlich is totally right. This should have been called G.I.Joe: Ninja Mountain.

In G.I.Joe: Ninja Mountain, Bruce Willis is the Martha Stewart of hiding massive arsenals.

The president of the United States has enraged all the world's leaders. Time to kick back to play Angry Birds. Jonathan Price, you are the best worst president ever.

Is this the world's first fist/gunfight? You know what, it doesn't matter. This will the fist/gunfight to which all others will be compared until the end of time.

So, the plot was all over this place, juggling a bunch of stories. But Chu's storytelling style—honed helming musicals and music-fueled docs—flows with swagger, and never lost me. The banter is as fast-paced and peppered with zingers and allusions as an episode of Archer. I want to go again to catch what I missed the first time around. In the end, I had an absolute blast against all my expectations. Bravo!

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