I’m a pretty emotionally level person. There are very few things I’m invested in enough to fundamentally alter my mood, but Agatha Christie novels are one of the few sentiments I cling to. I grew up reading every one of her novels I could get my hands on. I watched all the films, the television shows and even read a biography chronicling that bizarre incident where she briefly disappeared. It’s a subject close to my heart; so, imagine my bewilderment when I read Eric’s article earlier today telling me Disney was making a Miss Marple film in which they were reinterpreting the character as a thirty-something. That’s right, shaving some thirty-five years off my favorite old woman to cater her to a new generation who apparently hates the elderly. Initially, I hoped maybe this was just some ludicrous pipe dream that would never make it to production, but now we have actual casting news. This bullshit is not going away, people.

According to Deadline, Jennifer Garner has officially boarded as this madeover Miss Marple. No offense to her, but what in God’s name is going on this afternoon? Why even make this a Miss Marple story? If you want to introduce a young and sassy female detective, why not make her Miss Marple’s great niece or some wily girl she gave piano lessons to back in the day?

Here’s a few more ideas straight out of this horrid bag of tricks. Let’s do a Jaws where the shark is reinterpreted as a manatee who does tricks. Then when we’re done, let’s do a James Bond set in a local high school in which 0-0-7 is his locker combination! Oh God, I’m cooking with gas now. How about a Home Alone reboot where Kevin can’t find his wife at the Sandals’ pool?

The whole point of Miss Marple is that she’s a nice, disengaging old woman who can easily pry information out of suspects. Giving her sex appeal just meddles with the equation. Let’s hope to God Twin Peaks co-creator Mark Frost has put more thought into this then it seems. He’s hard at work on the script as we speak, but beyond the basic premise, details are very scarce.

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